I know it's a long process, but I feel horrible today

[Eve1]

I don’t even know how to explain how I feel today, but I feel bad. Money is very tight as usual and I haven’t done anything about finding a job yet. I am genuinely bad with money. All bills and rent are paid but I shy away from looking at the details of day to day spending and what my budget for food etc really is. I should make that one of my goals.

I suppose if I think about it, today I don’t feel as bad as I have some days. I’ve seen my dad twice this week which is too much really.

I hate to disappoint my daughter and I tend to spend money I haven’t got for her sometimes. I find it hard to be tough.

Imy still waiting to see about cruse counselling. If that doesn’t work I’ll look for counselling elsewhere.

I feel like I should say sorry that I feel so bad. It’s horrible. I hate it.

xx

[White Rose]

Hi Eve
I was in same situation when I left. I was pretty broke! Paying rent and mortgage and all the unusual bills. I did have a secure job though.
This is what worked for me:
Sat down and worked out exactly what my outgings were in ridiculously pedantic detail!! I then knew what I’d have “spare” each month. Solicitor told me what to allow for legal cost and I ended up borrowing that from a lovely relative on long term interest free loan.
Weekly menu plan in advance and don’t stray! Stews and cheaper meals – no ready meals (not that we did that amyway)
Cheapest utilities package I could get (I couldn’t change provider due to rent agreement but could change tariff).
Told family that birthday and Xmas gifts would be less than usual and often home made (cakes chutney and jam). They loved it and it’s carried on with all of us.
Do bogof deals and freeze surplus
Make packed lunches and take water or a flask.
Charity shops – my daughter used to hate them now she’s a convert and an expert and has some amazing clothes and for a fraction of the price her friends pay!
Was honest with my daughter told her things were really tight and I couldn’t do what I used to do. We both cut our mobile packages.
Turned heating down a degree or two and had fluffy socks warm jumper and an extra blanket – heating on a morning though so it was toasty getting up!
Walked a lot rather than drove.
We planned one treat a month within a certain budget – coffee and a toiletries treat or a meal out in a reasonably priced restaurant (usually Italian with a meal!) deal or a takeaway and TV film. If we didn’t do it the money was banked for emergencies.
I knew some months would be harder than others so I tried stash away any spare funds to cover that.
It was really hard and I got incredibly stressed in first few months used to wake and check bank balance and when next bills were due, but we settled into a pattern and coped.
Ive heard citizens advice can help with budgeting – not sure if that’s true?
Can you get any benefits? Sorry haven’t got a clue about that side of things.
It feels a mountain to climb but one you get it sorted in your mind you’ll know where you are.
Oh forgot! My daughter got a little job and told me to stop her pocket money. I did but put it aside for her in savings.
Keep positive you are doing so well xxxx

[Eve1]

Hi White Rose,

Thank you. There are some good suggestions here.

xxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

I think we know the best ways of gaining control if we quietly listen to our gut and try to look squarely at our daily life.

I realised that my ex had almost brainwashed me into spending lots of money on food- as he knew I bought it out of my earnings. I remember him saying to me ‘You must never skimp on food.’ Probably his sick way of making me pay more for the food he ate. I think I got so worried about pleasing him regarding food, I lost a bit of control, paying more than I needed and buying too much, probably. I liked to keep the fridge well-stocked. I was probably scared that he might complain if not.

Now, I spend much less. I realised food was my big expense. I now shop at a very cheap shop once weekly to get the main bulk, and what helps me is buying the main meal- at least the meat or fish or similar- on a daily or two day basis. This way, I don’t waste money on food that won’t be eaten or that will perish.

I used to do a big shop once a week, but so found that things would need to be thrown away as they perished. What a waste of money!

I but my household items and toiletries from a very cheap shop. You can spend loads on things like bin bags and shampoo is you’re not careful. I buy cat food from a cheap shop, as this needs to be used daily and it all adds up.

I think the above changes have helped me save quite a lot and so I am not as stretched each month.

I think it’s nice for us to buy our kids things once in a while. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but could a weekend job increase her confidence and boost her, as she will be earning some extra money?

[Eve1]

Hi Serenity,

Thank you. I had theopposite experience in that my ex never encouraged me to spend. For the ladder 6 or so years we were together HE did the weekly food shop, as when my daughter was a toddler, I’d had to do the shopping in 2 goes as she’d been a handful and he thought this meant I would spend more money! This was than set in stone. I had to write a list and do the cooking but wasn’t allowed to shop.

I’m having a bad day today, but I’m going to look at my budget properly this week and look at this post again. For a long time after he left anything to do with what I was spending was a huge trigger for me, I think it was one of his worst abuses, and I went the other way when I did have some money. But it was great in that me and the kids went on the holidays and bought some clothes and things that we never had with him! It wasn’t good financial planning, but I’d had a decade and a half of not thinking probablyou more than a couple of days ahead, so couldn’t think of planning anything.

Anyway, thank you. I’m sure I can do this. And thanks again WR.

xxxx

[White Rose]

Hi again Eve
I really relate to your feeling of fear around spending. I can budget and survive but put me in a shop and tell me its ok to buy myself something and I’m out tbe door like a bullet!!
I get anxiety attacks walking into Primark and M & S and if I get as far as changing room I’ve done well.
It’s not gettig much better as regards clothes and things for me but I can buy things for the house now and feel comfortable about it, I’m hopeful clothes shopping will get less stressful with time xx

[Serenity]

Eve,

My ex only encouraged me to use my money if buying things for him, he’d benefit from!

Even now, I feel terrified of spending anything on myself in terms of clothes, etc. He made me feel I should only buy cheap things for myself. I don’t think I will ever be able to spend massively on myself. But I am getting better at buying myself treats once in a while, if they are bargains.

It’s useful to look up money spending tips on the internet, as well as money saving recipes. X

[Eve1]

WR, I used to like buying clothes as a single girl. It’s good you’re getting as far as the changing rooms sometimes!

Serenity, oh yes, I can well imagine that there had to be something in it for him!

Horrible men. But we ate recovering, and so much better off in every way without them.

Hugs and warm wishes
xx

[Author]

Posts