I know it’s wrong, but I cannot give up on someone

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

Hello,
I’m new here. I don’t really know where to begin. Me and my other half have been together over (detail removed by Moderator) years (not being too specific as I know details get removed otherwise). We have two kids and we had a beautiful life, from a few years in casual abuse started, very very minor things but definitely the beginnings of abuse. I immersed myself into the gym and other activities and focused on my kids and my mental stability. However I needed to have (detail removed by Moderator) major operations which then put a great deal of strain on our relationship. I then had a reaction to (detail removed by Moderator) an had a psychotic episode (detail removed by Moderator). This was stressful for my partner, however I began to notice a change in his behaviour which just powered my psychosis paranoia! After (detail removed by Moderator) of me being so paranoid I had to follow him around like a lost puppy. I knew something was up, I suspected drugs but whenever I accused him he told me it was in my head and I was imagining it. Then things started happening, he would make me drinks that tasted awful, I began to believe I was being drugged. Again he told me the numb tongue I got after I drunk water he gave me was in my head. This was when I really went down hill, I lost all sense of what was real and what wasn’t. During all this his temper was all over the place, to the point I called the police several times. I didn’t want him arrested I just wanted him to stop being so aggressive over the smallest of things I wanted him to understand HE can’t behave like that. He does this thing where he’s nasty an I ignore it as much as I can but he just won’t stop till I snap. Then I’ll react by shouting or crying hysterically and then he will tell me how disgusting I am and how much of a state I am and how no other girl would react like this, no other girl has my mouth. Anyway he seemed to believe me calling the police was an ultimate betrayal despite the fact I never called the police when I had physical evidence on my face, I would call them when it’s about to get to that moment, I protected him from being arrested because I care an I love him. I remember him throwing a (detail removed by Moderator) at me because it had gone too warm when I was driving back (detail removed by Moderator), obviously I couldn’t have helped the traffic.. but some how it still ended up my fault. He gave me a black eye an a fat lip because I wore a top that was low cut when we were going to see his family (he has (detail removed by Moderator) brothers an the older one is fairly leery) he said I’d worn it on purpose because I wanted them to look at me. Anyway after about (detail removed by Moderator) I finally caught him and he had no choice but to admit a coke addiction. Not straight away of course first it was I just take it at the weekends which I knew it wasn’t true! I’d nearly got sectioned because he had convinced everyone he was clean an I was imagining it. He was willing to let me get sectioned to protect himself! At this point I was so low. I’m so anti drugs apart from cannabis. I’m completely anti drug. I wanted to understand I desperately wanted to and I also wanted to have some kind of control over his intake because he was falling apart he had got very skinny it was awful it killed me seeing him in that way! By this point my mental health had dipped so low and I was so worried about cocaine particles getting anywhere near my beautiful children that I’d managed to set up a shared care situation with my parents. My priority was getting my kids there dad back! Not this awful person he had become. But before I did that I needed to understand I needed to know what it was about the drug that made him choose it over his family. So I tried it only on around (detail removed by Moderator) occassions. It was disgusting, I felt dirty an disgusting and I couldn’t understand how he chose that to be his life over the life we had! I threw myself into getting him clean giving up everything in my own life to do it, I gave up all my hobbies, I stopped seeing friends, I stopped looking after myself. I gave everything up so he could be a dad, so he could have a family. He got clean sure enough but everything changed, he didn’t want me going back to the gym, he wanted me to be a housewife and clean an cook all day. He’d moan about how my parents had taken over the kids lives. He’s been clean over (detail removed by Moderator) and things have changed but it’s not how it used to be. He says I’m the problem with my big mouth and that s**t happens in others relationships but doesn’t get spoken about because there isn’t someone like me with a big mouth. (detail removed by Moderator) we argued because he threatened to leave if I EVER left his dinner till (detail removed by Moderator).. I lost it what a ridiculous threat! I’m not a slave I’m not there to just wait on him! The only time he’s nice is when he wants sex! He never compliments me or says nice things when I achieve something he will saying something like “yeah let’s see how long you keep it up, then I’ll tell you it’s good” it’s just I can’t please him! I don’t understand what he said wants or what he’s trying to achieve but I just can’t give up on what we had!

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and my gosh you’ve been through a lot. You’re in the right place for people who can understand. One sentence that really stood out is that you don’t want to give up what you had, boy can we all relate to wanting the good times but you have is what you’ve written above. And how good were those good times – they shouldn’t excuse the bad. You recognise you can’t carry on like this and I wonder just from what you’ve written above, how safe you are staying. Take some time to learn and research about this behaviour, many of us have thought if he just stopped drinking or taking cocaine we’d be good again but it doesn’t work like that. I’d highly recommend reading a book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘why does he do that’ as a great place to start to understand your situation and him, can find free pdfs versions online. Chat to womansaid too for support. You deserve better than this.

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

Hello bananaboat.

What I’ve written isn’t even the half of it! I essentially got psychosis because he convinced me the white powder I kept seeing dotted in places around the house wasn’t real and was in my head. It got to the point where I tested it and my tongue came up with a sore bit an went numb and he told me I was imagining it and it wasn’t real so I thought I was hallucinating! The problem is I find it hard to move forward when he still can’t accept the damage he has caused! I feel like he has a n********tic personality disorder or something, so in my head I’m like, well it’s to do with mental health, people cannot help that I know that as well as anyone so I just forgive.

Problem is I’m now at a stage where the damage of the last (detail removed by Moderator) years is hitting me and I’m starting to feel really hateful and I feel a lot of resentment. I’ve just finally got my first proper job and I’m determined not to let him ruin it for me, it’s so important to me! So recently I’ve been really pulling away because I’m scared he’s gonna try and get me into the state when I’m too anxious to do anything or go anywhere!

I get anxiety any time I go somewhere because I know that when I’m home I’ll be quizzed on how many males I’ve come into contact with and then if by chance I’ve had to talk to a man, whether it be in a shop or on the school playground he will be annoyed.. I don’t know what he wants me to do.. and then he’s turned me into this person who is not to pay attention to my surroundings but then he gets angry when he notices something an I don’t!

I feel like he hates the person he’s formed me into!

I feel like everything’s hit me and I was trying to work towards forgiving him but some of the memories are just unforgivable.. but at the same time he’s all I’ve ever known since I was a teenager! I’m worried it’s impacted my kids beyond repair.. and I just want him to realise what he’s done an what he’s doing! I feel like the coke left him with a mental health issue of some kind I just make excuse after excuse for him..

I’m struggling so bad I wanna make something of my life I want him to be along side me not dragging me backwards.. I just wish I could understand why this is happening to me 🙁 why I deserve any of this!

I’ve turned into a person I don’t even recognise I just wanna be me 😢

[Bananaboat]

It doesn’t sound like this is a safe, healthy place for you to be. Have you reached out for support or help to plan an escape? Please don’t compare your mental health journey to his behaviour, abuse is a choice, mental health isn’t. He’s purposely doing things to upset and control you. The white powder is gaslighting. Unfortunately he’s not going to change, he isn’t the man he sold himself as in the early days, he is the man who scares you. Please contact woman’s aid for support, keep a journal of the behaviour, do you own research on abuse and like I said before, stay safe!

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I echo everything Bananaboat has said. He is aware of what he is doing to you, his behaviour is abuse, gaslighting, physically hurting you and more. You are not responsible for his behaviour in any way and only he can help himself.

You cannot change him, save him or help him, there’s absolutely nothing you can do. He will try anything to keep you down, do not underestimate him.

Please reach out for support, can you speak to your GP? Your local Womans Aid?
Keep reading and posting on here❤❤

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I appreciate the concern I really do… I don’t feel unsafe, the only time I’ve ever felt unsafe is when he was using cocaine. I’ve lived my whole life as a fighter, as someone who never gives up. I know I can’t change him, but he has had a handful of events happen to him which really has impacted him tremendously and I know it’s the real reason behind why he started using cocaine. I also have an empathy because I’m well aware of how destructive my path may have been had I been faced with similar issues. I know it’s no excuse, And I’ve been really firm this time in telling him enough is enough an he needs to sort his self out before he loses everything. I’ve nearly been with him for half my lifetime, I’ve not been well since everything happened I’ve not been myself and yes it’s the damage that he’s caused so he should deal with it in a nice manner but he struggles with my coldness, with my bitterness and doesn’t know how to react to it because in reality I’m not usually a cold person.. I feel like I’m just in a place where I’m struggling to accept what happened and what has become of my life… I lived such a happy life I was so happy, my kids were happy, and I thought he was happy. I just wish that had been enough for him at the time so we could have carried on going upwards. Call me disillusioned but I watched a documentary on abusers managing to change there ways and I feel he really could, but first he needs to accept that he has abused me and at the moment I feel he still blames me, I just need to work a way to just get him to truly see what he’s done.

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