I learned something terrible

[maddog]

All my life has been affected by a terrible thing that happened when I was very little, probably not talking. I grew up feeling uncared for and developed into a person who’s core belief is of utter worthlessness.

A single event which was nobody’s fault catapulted me into a life blighted by eating disorders, major depression and an abusive marriage.

My core belief is wrong. My family of origin has loads of problems and I have long thought that my problems were because of the dysfunction. The problem was me. I believed that I was unloved (and unloveable) and I behaved as though I was unloved and unloveable, unwantable.

I feel desperately sad for that little girl, who really was wanted and cherished but who did everything she could to disappear.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Maddog, please don’t take this the wrong way, I mean it in all sincerity. I hope you can learn to be as visible as you possibly can fir the little girl you were and the amazing woman you’ve become. It’s not too late my friend, you can do it. 💜💚
You have shown such courage and given me many words of encouragement, I hope in a small way I’ve been able to do the same too. 💜💚
IWMB 💕💕

[teabag]

Maddog

I can empathise with you particularly on the family origin part. As children we take those learnt messages about ousve and we carry them like a gold medal round our necks. We end up in abusive relationships for many different reasons and we carry with us more negative message about us.
YOUR MIND IS A LIAR.
YOU AFE WORTHY JUST LOOK AT ALL THAT YOU HAVE SURVIVED AND YOU STILL HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REACH OUT AND HELP OTHERS.
THAT MY FRIEND MAKES YOU ANAZING- ANAZING- I SAID AMAZING!
X

[teabag]

Maddog. I haven’t got my glasses on so please ignore the spelling errors! But you get my point!

[diymum@1]

i can empathise with you MD, i find it hard looking back at my child hood – what makes me feel better is thinking of the better times. I was a really mischievious kid and when i look back it makes me smile. Try to think back to the positives and the people you knew truly loved you, best friend grandma. YOur a very intelligent lady from your writing and you sound like you have some amazing qualities xx sending you a hug and support love diymum xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Maddog,
I have felt like this too. Maddog you have given such wise and caring words to so many on this forum which I know have been appreciated and valued.
Have you listened to Louise Hay guided mediations ? really old school probably a pioneer in that area and some of it feels a bit corny but overall quite powerful, uplifting, and gives a sense of peace
She healed herself from terrible childhood abuse, and cancer and shared her methods.
She focuses on imagining loving and nurturing yourself as a litle girl, and also your carers.
So that we can love, forgive, and heal.
The best part about it is even if you fall asleep, which I usually do, she says our consciousness will absorb the messages. I have finished my therapy and meds now but it is so hard with the demands of work, single parenting and modified contact with ex. This has reminded me to do these as can feel myself going down into the black hole where I dont want to ever be again.
Take care, you are worth it
Apricotpoppy x

[Twisted Sister]

Bless you Maddog, what insight you have, which gives you the choices you need to decide your next steps.

Look after that little girl, she needs you, together you will break free of all this.

Sending you love and heaps of strength to come through this, and to brighter days.

Warmest wishes ts

[maddog]

Thank you all for your kind words. I know now that my parents did love me. I imagine myself to have been trying to do a handbrake turn in a container ship, and the ship just hasn’t budged. Finally it is moving. It’s quite scary.

[KIP.]

Hi maddog, I once saw a programme about childhood abuse and how we look back and feel sad for that child. And I’m not saying you were abused but whatever made that little girl sad. Try to go back to that little girl. Give her the love and care that she deserves now. Befriend that little girl. Be her best friend, encourage her to be the best she can be, rekindle the things she liked to do. It’s not too late for her. Go back, get her and hug her x 🤗

[maddog]

It’s so hard to do that KIP. Years and years ago I remember being advised the same. I’m much better now than I was then. My dad was horrible to me, physically and emotionally abusive. I don’t think I stood much of a cat’s chance in hell. I’ve just been shaking most of the day. I can barely hold myself together.

[maddog]

I have realised that I am depressed and will see what happens if I up my dose of anti depressants. I haven’t felt this low for a long time, and there are reasons for it.

[KIP.]

Remember depression is a temporary state and at least you know the cause. For decades I had no idea what was causing my depression. There is hope for you to work through it. Make sure you try to focus on what brings you joy and happiness in your life. Make room for yourself and some tlc x

[diymum@1]

You’ll get there md remember your father’s choices were not your doing or your fault. My mum didn’t treat me so well through mental illness I know know why she behaved the way she did , I suppose forgiveness is the key ☺once I forgave her it resolved alot of my feelings xx I know this isn’t easy but your a good person despite everything as long as we cone out of this better people xx we can achieve anything much luv diy mum xx 💕 💕 💪sisters in this xx ☺

[EbonyRaven]

I just wanted to say that you’re going to work through this I’m sure. You are able to think objectively even in the midst of the pain, and that is incredible.
I just know that you will monitor the anti depressants, and help them work for you. You will use them and understand how and why. That is admirable.
x

[maddog]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot. I know I am going through a major wobble at the moment. It is hard to bear. It is only very recently that I have been able to see the full picture more clearly and how it affected my outlook. I was terrified from a very young age to love anyone because I believed that if I did they would die. At the moment I am crashing through these terrifying feelings. I know it will pass.

I have a good relationship with my dad now. It’s taken a long time and much perseverance on both sides, and it is a huge relief. The ship is finally turning in roughly the right direction. It’s not easy.

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