- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I left. I felt like I was suffocating, that I can’t be the positive myself around him because of all his negativity and judgement towards me and other people. He took everything as a personal injustice towards him and he got angry at me and blamed me for any negative emotion or inconvenience he had in his own life. It was very confusing, because he didn’t control the big things, like what I work, what I wear, who I meet. So it wasn’t obvious that he is controlling and abusive. But he controlled the small things like how I spend my free time, whether I eat dessert or not, whether I do sports or not and how I do it, what I do with pets. All this controlling wasn’t direct, just by being upset if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do or through repeated nagging – “Why do you do that, it’s not good for you”, or “why don’t you do that, it’s good for you”. Because it was so small, I felt I was overreacting by feeling suffocated.
The arguments were like hell. He was blaming, and demanding me to tell the truth about my emotions and motives, but when I did, it was never enough for him, because he told me that it is not true and I’m lying or I dishonestly switch topics to avoid admitting that I am to blame. At the same time I felt like he is twisting the truth and never taking responsibility for anything. Of course often I couldn’t prove, because I didn’t have a recording of what he said, but rarely there was written evidence so I saw for myself that he is the one who is twisting the truth. But he was so sure of himself that I started to doubt my reality and my sanity. Then because he was the louder and he talked more, his version of truth became THE truth over time, because I had no strength to continue to defend myself. Then we argued until he had enough – sometimes days – because no matter what I said, it never resolved the conflicts.
During conflicts, past conflicts were always brought up. Then he started blaming me for character defects like never accepting responsibility, lying and having a dishonest way of arguing. At the same time, I can’t remember a time when he took responsibility for something significant. I had the feeling he took responsibility for small things to use those as “proof” that he is not to blame. Of course the conflicts were pretty much always about something that upset him. The things that upset him were usually very surprising things that I would not anticipate that it would make him upset, or that he would blame me for it. But still, not even once we had a conflict where he realized that he overreacted, or that I was not the one responsible.
So of course it was suffocating, but now that I left, I feel like not being able to do anything. Not even the things that I wanted to do so much when I was with him (for example being alone), or any self-care. I have no home, I feel so empty and lonely. It is so terrible that it is so hard in the relationship, but also out of the relationship. I also feel guilty, I feel like I abandoned him. -
Gosh he sounds awful. The guilt thing is just another effect of abuse unfortunately – abusers are good at making us believe they need us and that we are responsible for their happiness. But actually that is sadly only true as targets of abuse. I don’t think they care very much who the target is, so long as the supply is always there.
It is absolutely not your fault you left and the relationship has ended. You are just so used to accepting blame that it is hard to break the habit even once you are out. Try and keep reminding yourself when you start to feel guilty that it is your ex’s fault, and only your ex’s fault that you had to leave. I also found it helpful to remind myself of all the dreadful things my ex did so I wasn’t tempted to return – I found a written list helpful for that.
Honestly, I suspect that you are also exhausted. Abuse is exhausting, and getting out is exhausting, and having a suddenly uncertain future is exhausting. When you add to that the fact that we internalise the abuse and often keep telling ourselves that maybe we are selfish/have bad memories/don’t try hard enough, it’s not surprising that we go through bad patches after we leave. Try and keep your internal monologues kind to yourself – and notice when you are slipping into believing things that your ex told you.
And try to look after yourself in whatever small ways you can. Even if it’s just to have a bath, or listen to music you like. I got a cheap colouring book when I left and spent hours colouring in. And bought myself reduced flowers from the supermarket – some of them out them down to as little as 10p a bunch in the evenings.
Your probably in for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. It takes time for your mood to settle after abuse. But you survived the abuse, you are tough, and you can survive this too. Be gentle. Look after yourself. Keep reaching out for support – here and the women’s aid helpline are great starting points. And be kind to yourself. It will get better.
-
-
-
He owned all the space around you, Looking, darling, and your time and thoughts too, didn’t he?
And now you’re out, it’s a bit like being a newborn baby, I guess. You were squished in so tight you could hardly wriggle and now when you reach out there’s just empty space. It’s unsettling!
Cuddle and love yourself in lots of little ways until you feel calm and safe, and then you’ll have the energy and confidence to grow into the space.
It was your freedom he took and you’ve temporarily forgotten what to do with it, but it will come back.
Flower x
-
Hi Looking for myself
Your story is so similar to mine but im still here and im so envious of you for that.
I have children so their lives will be torn apart too and i just cant see that way out yet.
I git into running last year to the point of obsession, every day at 5am id be out before kids were up, back just in time for hubby to walk out the door to work. It was my mental release.
Im now where i just feel too exhausted, when i try to run every moment is consumed with what has hapoened, whats been said, what i need to do, how kids will be, over and over, there was no enjoyment anymore. So i sit here a stone heavier, fed up and knowing i should be about to start a half marathon i was entered for today but i havent ran for 6 weeks at all.
Its so mentally draining, even just the trying to pacify and avoid any conflicts.
Hugs xx
-
Dear Looking for myself,
Leaving is hard, but not going back to them is even harder. I left my abuser over a year ago and the first few months were hell. I thought about going back so many times.The emptiness, the uncertainty and the loneliness you feel after leaving are normal but trust me, they won´t last forever. You need to be patient and kind with yourself. All the love you have and used to give to your partner, well it´s time to give all that love to yourself. I found that doing small things for yourself really helps, such as buying yourself something pretty or eating some food you really like. You might not feel like getting out of bed now, but try to do one nice thing for yourself everyday, even if it’s just brushing your hair, all these little things do add up and in time you will start to feel better. You have no idea how happy and satisfied you will be with your life in a few months now that you are free!
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
