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Last night I left.
When I got home yesterday (long journey and bad traffic) he started to press me as to why I was so miserable and down. I didn’t say anything, just had my head in my hands. He slammed his laptop and said, (removed by moderator) and he popped out. I sobbed my eyes out. When he came back, I hadn’t moved, still crying. He bagan to cook. He went and sat down while things were baking.
I went to the room he was in and began talking. I said I still felt trapped and unhappy, that I didn’t know how I felt about him anymore. We had this conversation nearly (removed by moderator) months ago. There was silence. I waited for a response. He got up (removed by moderator). Came back. I asked him what he thought. He said he was angry. He said that he had tried to make things better by (removed by moderator).He was angry that this was my problem. He said (removed by moderator).
I said I wanted a separation and that I didn’t think he would be ok with that because that’s not how we work things out. I always have to talk about why I’m the messed up one, why I’m always depressed. (Removed by moderator). He punched some boxes and shouted, which is when I got worried about him. He went to get his key and said he was going out for a bit. I stopped him because he would be dangerous out there. I said “I’m going. I’m gone”.
As I left he looked at me and said (removed by moderator).
He is out all day and I have come back to get things. I feel I am wrong. I shouldn’t leave him. He loves me so much. So much that I have got to the stage where I hate going out with him and friends because I’m the stupid one who gets talked over, who may as well be dead, who gets told to go out with him even though I have no voice and I am invisible. Yet I am here surrounded by my bags so confused.
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You absolutely did the right thing. Him coming across as reasonable is just part of his plan. Please try to go no contact for a while until the fog of abuse clears. Mine did the same thing. Came across as all reasonable thinking he could change my mind. Then when he realised he was losing control he went nuts. They are dangerous just now so please protect yourself. He does not love you. Love doesn’t cause pain to others. Take this time to distance yourself and take a step back X
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Thank you KIP. The house is sitelnt but my head is set to 11! I’m trying to breathe.
I’ve got my friend’s place to stay then my flat is mine in a matter of days.
I fear it speaks volumes that he has been able to still go out and (removed by moderator) today. He loves the controlling, the being in charge, the idea of having a wife.
Thank you so much for this boost KIP, it’s really needed just now.
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Oh Imogen you did it! You are such an inspiration to me because you made you decision to go and you did it. That must take so much strength.
I know you have the guilt factor kicking in now but as KIP said it’s all part of their plan they know what weakens us.
Keep going Imogen; I’m holding your hand too
X*x
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Thank you, I feel all the more stronger with you by my side Citrine xx
I didn’t want it to go like this, but the situation presented itself so I had to take it. I’ve just got to keep going. In all honesty, the want to stay is so big, but I won’t. I will not stay for this. For this to only happen again and again.
I’m staying strong for me, for you, for all of you xxxx
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Its difficult…once you leave….you start thinking…did I do the right thing? Will he be ok without me? All those fears and worries…but take it one day at a time. You have been strong….leaving. He will come after you, to beg, to cajole, to cry, to try and hoover you back up. You know the game they play. You have taken yourself out of the game they play….just keep going as you are and the way will become clear and things will gradually become better, day by day. But don’t even think about going back into all that drama. Its not love. x
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The hardest part is leaving and breaking that cycle…it’s weird how you know it’s wrong, but somehow you try and tell yourself maybe it’ll get better. The only way it’ll get better is if you stay out of it.
Trust me I did it! Like many of the lovely strong ladies here to support you, we can tell you it gets better.
It’s hard, but you’re strong and you can do it.
You are an inspiration to everyone in the same situation
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Well done for making that step. The first few days can be incredibly hard.
I barely uttered a word for three days and had to be driven around like a child.No contact is a good idea. You need space with your own thoughts and he will try a number of different ways to influence these thoughts.
It was never so stark until I left how many masks my ex could wear.The leaving section in “Why does he do that” is a useful read in order to prepare yourself for what to expect.
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Oh I’m so happy for you, you have just taken the first step in rebuilding yourself.
I’m not going to lie, there are going to be some difficult times ahead, but go no contact and surround yourself with support. There will be days when you spend a day crying in pyjamas eating ice cream from the tub then there will be days when you feel like a warrior who will not be defeated
Don’t beat yourself up over your decision, that little voice of doubt that occasionally whispers in your ear is his brainwashing and programming. Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be happy, to be free. Think about what you want to do with your life and take moment by moment to heal yourself
All the best you brave lady xx
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Hey Imogen,
Well done for being so brave and determined!
It is so hard when they say they love you, when there is always hope that they might make an effort and change. I can understand how you feel guilty because what if….? But there’s a point we have to stop giving chances, right? It sounds like you’ve given him plenty and you tried to talk to him about it. He took you for granted.
How are you feeling now? Several days on? (I haven’t been on the forum for a while so missed your original post).
You now have a great opportunity to make yourself happy and stronger than ever.
So here’s to you!
Apple xx
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Wow! Thank you ladies!
I have spent the time since then I’m my new location. I am so happy. Yes I have cried and I feel very messed up, but I’ve slept. Oh how I have slept!! I love the silence, I feel alive. I actually FEEL!
There have been some choice messages and guilt loaded ones from him but contact has been minimal. I have stated this is a separation, I do not have enough for divorce evidence-wise, but the important bit is I feel so FREE! I can’t articulate this feeling.
I am now concerned that I have done the wrong thing in terms of admin and paperwork but I am not connected to the house he owns. There was never even a rent agreement.
I’m set to write a letter to him outlining the plan for this time which will be heavy going. I’m nervous about the legalities of all of this. I’ve moved into rented accommodation, am I allowed to do that?! I’m sure I can.
Either way, this has been the heaviest time and yet I feel light, human, able, stronger, present and happier.
Thank you all xxxx
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Hi Imogen, I hope you’re doing well and keeping up with no contact as best as you can. I forgot to advise you to seek legal advice. Most solicitors offer free initial advice and you may be able to divorce on his unreasonable behaviour. The main thing is that you don’t communicate directly. Get a lawyer to do this. Don’t put things in writing he can use against you. Stay strong. It’s a roller coaster ride X
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