I left (detail removed by moderator) – devastation and doubt

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

(Detail removed by moderator) I initiated a conversation with my husband about our plans to have a baby. I told him that the thought of getting pregnant filled me with anxiety. I said his anger and mood swings were intimidating. He somehow managed to deflect everything on to me and made all the failings in our marriage to be my fault. Said he only loses his temper because I dont listen to him.
I took the opportunity to leave to stay with a friend for a while. I am now going through the most horrific ups and downs. One minute I’m seeing him for what he truly is. The next I am in floods of tears remembering all the good times and feeling like I’ve made a massive mistake. Feel awful for leaving him. I have separated this man into two separate people: one is the amazing man I love. The other is cruel and unkind. I am struggling to put these two people together and realise they are the same person!!! I’m completely devastated and heartbroken. I sat in a car park for an hour after leaving, and it took every ounce of my being not to go back. Any words of wisdom from the helpful ladies on this forum? Thank you xxxx

[KIP.]

It’s normal to feel all this. It’s why we stay, always waiting on the good times coming back. But they get fewer and fewer. The fact that he’s blaming you for everything shows his total lack of acceptance of his behaviour. It’s crazy making behaviour. You’re going to have to grieve for the relationship you thought you had and for the future you thought you had. It’s very painful but it’s a process that’s needed. It does get easier. On average women return seven times to an abuser before eventually leaving. Ask yourself what would really change if you went back. Slowly you will lose more and more of yourself to his dysfunctional behaviour. I often asked myself what happened to the man I married. But that man never existed. The real man I married was a nasty self serving parasite. While my mental health, career, friendships, family relationships all suffered. His thrived. Block him on everything for a while and try to keep a journal of all the bad things he’s done to you as our brain likes to protect is by pushing the good memories to the front x you will get through this stronger and wiser x

[HunkyDory]

Well done for leaving, it takes a lot out of you and you did it. It’s absolutely normal to feel that way. As KIP says it does get better in time and you almost come to terms with the fact there was a personality you loved in there, but underneath, a person you are best away from.

Keeping a diary is definitely a good move, try and remember the incidents and how they made you feel. Mine were a lifeline. Any time I felt a wobble coming on, a quick read through the journals reinforced my belief I was right to get out.

Look after yourself and keep reminding yourself why you left, it’s a good thing. Xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi well done, what a courageous woman you are. What you are feeling are likened to withdrawl symptoms. Thankfully.i didn’t have mine fir too long as I’d come to terms with what my husband was in the months leading up to me leaving him. Think of him as Jekyll and Hyde. Only difference being he didn’t fight being Mr.Hyde. thought he could be him whenever he wanted and you’d take it forever forgiving him. Got that wrong didn’t he💪👍
Distract yourself whenever you can. You’re safe now, you can be the woman you wanted to be. He made the choice to bully, belittle and scare you. He doesn’t get to do that anymore.
Stay strong, let you emotions come, don’t run from them. It’s all part of healing from this dreadful moment in time.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi KIP, HD, and IWMB. I thought i’d drop you guys a little update!

I’m still with my friend. This is day 11. My husband and I have been in touch via email, and one phonecall.
He has accepted responsibility for his behaviour. Acknowledges that he has issues with anger. Understands why I left. Promises to change and be the “best version of him ever”. Loves me. Misses me. Cries every day thinking about how hurt I am. He has a “three step” plan for change, focussing on his home life, his communication skills and his work life. On the surface, this looks like exactly what I want to hear. Why wouldn’t I go back, right?

The fly in the ointment is that he’s said that he can, and will, make positive change but my “contribution” is a vital element. I.e. he will only change his behaviour if i’m seen to be contributing, and trying, too. Is this a fair request?

I don’t think I should have to compromise when it comes to anger and aggression in a relationship. He also confessed to me that, most of the time, he’s not even angry. It’s an act he puts on because it gets him the desired response from me. Subservience.

This was a big thing for him to confess, and I do respect him for not just denying everything, but nowhere in his “three step” plans for change is a counsellor or professional help with his anger. This makes me think that I would be walking back into the same old patterns if I were to go back to him.

What do you think? If I went back, and wasnt seen to be trying hard enough, then there is a chance he’ll get angry again. Same old routine.

I’m at the point where I want to tell him our marriage is over, because I feel bad leaving him in the dark. He’s at home all alone in lock down which isn’t nice. He’s also my best friend and I still feel absolutely TERRIBLE for leaving him. I’m remembering all the good times – trying to push them aside.

Would really appreciate your feedback on this – do you think he could change? Even though he’s asked me to change?

BST xxxx

[KIP.]

Sadly no. He’s not going to change and all the things he has already done to you, you would be walking on eggshells just waiting for the next outburst. It’s not you he misses it’s the power and control he has over you. It’s very typical to still be blaming you and this is when you’re not even together. Don’t waste any more time on him. The fact that he wants you to change is absurd. You don’t want to be with someone who wants you to be something you’re not. Who isn’t happy with who you are. If you tell him the marriage is over and start divorce proceedings you will see his true colours. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row practically speaking. Bank statements, mortgage papers etc etc. He’s not your responsibility and he’s already admitted knowing he’s deliberately terrifying you. Do you want to go back to that kind of person. He’s gets no brownie points for admitting he hurts you deliberately. Walk away now and don’t look back.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, are you sure you’re not married to my husband? He practically promised the exact same things even went to counselling. That didn’t work out, cos he didn’t get immediate gratification, me going back.
If this was a normal relationship, then of course compromise on both sides would be needed. But isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do, change who you are so he won’t get angry, sulk or worse? It’s a huge thing for them to confess,they will say and do anything to win you back, anything. He’s admitted its an act to get what he wants, that is learned behaviour, in both of you. He acts up, you give in. If you went back you would probably revert back to being the same around him, its a learned response. I left my oh nearly a year ago, I still react to his outburst, though not as often. Leaving them is certainly a wake up call, will he change, it’s very doubtful. It takes a lot of professional help. Time and effort on his part and of course on the days he doesn’t get it right he’s perfectly within his rights to get angry again, because can’t you see how hard he’s trying, he’s doing this for you at the end of the day. Until an abusive person does this fir themselves, it’ll always fail.
Trust your gut instinct, look up the FOG of abuse and the cycle of abuse. Once I found out the chemistry and biology of the relationship, why my body reacts, it helped distance my emotional attachment.
Best wishes, trust nothing he says. If he says it’s raining, check yourself. Look up gaslighting as well.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Lightness]

Blue skies, you said: ‘I have separated this man into two separate people: one is the amazing man I love. The other is cruel and unkind. I am struggling to put these two people together and realise they are the same person!!!’

This is how they manipulate us. The amazing man is the actor who wears a mask. The unkind man is the real him. It’s devastating to realise this. It’s part of the ‘cognitive dissonance’ when you can’t hold two opposing beliefs at the same time and it makes you doubt yourself. Stay strong, it will be worth it and in time you will make sense of it all x

[Author]

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