I left (detail removed by moderator) and I can’t stop feeling sad for him!

[stuckwithnoclue]

So I fled the home(detail removed by moderator) and was put into emergency accomodation by the council. I then plucked up the courage to call 101 to report him for sexual assualt. I’m now allowed to return home with bail conditions in place and I’m glad I can go home but I cannot stop feeling sad about him, the thought of him feeling sad, the thought of him losing his job. It has already been a long process and I haven’t made my formal statement yet! I’m looking forward to going home but I know I am going to be dreadfully sad when I am there but he isn’t. Just needed go share it my sadness 🙁

[ISOPeace]

Well done for getting out and calling 101! That really must have taken a lot of courage.

I remember feeling sad at the thought of my ex coming home to an empty house when I left. I realise now that I was imagining he would feel how I would feel if that happened. But an abuser isn’t feeling sad about losing someone they love – they don’t love like normal people. He is upset that he has lost control and that he’s lost a possession. It’s ok to feel sad and it’s important to allow yourself to feel whatever feeling are coming up. These feelings don’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. They’re part of your healing journey. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Wants To Help]

Hi stuckwithnoclue,

Your feelings are totally valid and real, but sadly are wasted on him. You have done so well to get yourself out of the abuse you were living with and take the next steps to take your life back and live how you want to live and to be treated how you want to be treated.

I can guarantee your ex will also be feeling sorry. He’ll be feeling sorry for himself though. He’ll be outraged that ‘you’ could do this to ‘him’. How dare you! Not for one moment will he be thinking that he has wronged you in any way, not for one moment will he admit to himself or anyone else that you are telling the truth and will admit to what he has done, show remorse and take the consequences. He will defend himself, start the smear campaign that you are crazy/lying/mentally ill/out for revenge. Once you go ahead with your statement and he remains on bail and possibly get charged, he’ll start the intimidation and threats to get you to withdraw what you have said and stop the proceedings.

Hard as it is, you need to be ready for this. You need to redirect your sorry feelings for him and focus them in different ways on yourself. Your sympathy, compassion and empathy for what he is going through needs to be given to yourself for what you have been through, otherwise you may likely end up back where you were. Any promises he gives you to ‘change’ will only be to get you to retract what you have said, they will not be meaningful. All he is interested in now is protecting himself.

You need to protect you. It’s going to be hard because he’ll tear at your heartstrings during this process and he’ll do it for the reason that he WANTS you to feel guilty, sad, awful etc because if it works then he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his behaviour.

You go ahead with what you have started. It has taken you so much emotional strength, fear and bravery to get where you are today, don’t let him stop you now. Hold your head high and tell your truth, it’s time for you to be heard.

Good luck xx

[KIP.]

He’s counting on you feeling sad and guilty. It’s how abusers programme us into doing what they want. Take all the help offered from women’s aid to rape crisis. Both have good helplines. I was also sad and guilty but that will change when he decides to deny everything and blame you instead. What you’re feeling is normal but it will get much better with time and zero contact. He’s not your responsibility and these abusers often abuse many women so you may not be the first and you definitely won’t be the last. Keep posting and be kind to yourself x

[stuckwithnoclue]

Thank you all for your comforting words. Thankfully I have blocked him on everything so he is unable to contact me unless via email but that’d be very silly to do. I have just got to deal with buying him out of our property now and yesterday I did my (removed by moderator) so it’s just a waiting game. You’re right, he did deny the allegations but at least I was able to return home. One of my major struggles at the minute is going out as I’m scared of seeing him or his family!
Thanks again everyone <3 xx

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