I let him back in and it has started again

[forestwalker]

Hi all,
I 1st posted (detail removed by Moderator) after I removed my abuser from my life, contacted the police for a Claire’s law disclosure and reported him for the emotional abuse and minor physical stuff (shoving, pulling me around and smashing my phone) it was NFA’d. Previously he only got physical when he was drunk and in the (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of separation he started to engage with AA, counselling and agreed to do a DV perpetrators course.

Stupidly I let him back in (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, and although he still has not had a drink, his temper is increasing and although he hasn’t yet laid a finger on me his rages are becoming more intense and he has walked toward me (as though about to hit me). I get called names all the time including the c*** word which I hate and he knows this. He tells me that I provoke him, when all I day is ask innocent questions, and therefore he is just reacting because he feels threatened (I know that this isn’t the case).

Stupidly I allowed him to get one of his friends to do some work on my (detail removed by Moderator) this was supposed to be a “mates rates” the price has now doubled and I have had to take out a loan, the work is still ongoing and I now feel trapped as he is talking about helping to pay the money – but I am starting to see that this is a way of him taking control of my house.

(detail removed by Moderator) ago he lost it with me in the car, when I said I didn’t need his money to clear the loan, I just wanted the money I have leant him over the last (detail removed by Moderator) months which is (detail removed by Moderator) – When he parked up outside my home (which he calls our house – I bought it before even being in a relationship with him), I was so scared as he was screaming at me I ran into the house and locked him out. He calmed down and I let him back in (stupidly I know). One of the reasons for this is my (detail removed by Moderator) is a building site, I have paid his “mate” (detail removed by Moderator) so far and it is far from finished…I feel stuck. My plan is that hopefully the (detail removed by Moderator) will be finished in the next week or 2, I will then chuck him out if feeling strong enough.
Just posting for support.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… forestwalker,
You have my support my darling.
It’s quite common with how abuse works to get drawn back into the ‘cycle’ of an abusive relationship.
I left my ex and then went back about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later, the second attempt I left for good… so there is hope.
Stay focused on why you wanted rid of this man in the first place and you have done it once you can do it again, and this time you will have more power.
Get your finances sorted and in order and do not allow him to have any control or rights over your home or money.
Getting rid of him (and his mate) has to be your focus.
Reclaim your power and your home… it’s your security and what you have worked hard for.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[forestwalker]

Thank you Darcy for your kind response.
I just feel so pathetic allowing him to come back and getting stuck again.
I start trauma counselling next week for my PTSD from my childhood history, and I am hoping that this puts me in a better position/mindset to be free from him for good.
When he is not being abusive he is a charmer and so loving, but I know that this cannot last and is part of the cycle of behaviour which keeps us/me trapped for longer.
He is also a serial perpetrator so I know i am not the 1st, and probably will not be the last sadly.
Its crazy how I hope that he will cross the line and physically hurt me, as then I will feel justified in throwing him out…but I also know that it will come at some point.

[Darcy]

My darling, do not feel pathetic or be hard on yourself… getting an abuser out of your life is a process, a journey and even though you have let him back in this time you will defiantly have gained some strength and knowledge on how to go forth next time you get him to leave.
Hopefully the counselling will help you to unravel things and help you see clearer. It should also help to boast your self esteem that will strengthen your boundaries.
Get practicing your self love work as this will make you stronger to from the inside out.
Stay connected and use the forum for support
D xx

[Muddyboots]

Hi Forestwalker,

How did it go? Has the building work finished? Were you able to get your abuser to leave? In your last post you said “Its crazy how I hope that he will cross the line and physically hurt me, as then I will feel justified in throwing him out” and I totally know what you mean. My partner has only been physically abusive once, and I found for months that I was hoping he would do it again, so that I could be sure that kicking him out was the right thing to do. It’s taken me a long time to realise, making me feel frightened and unloved was the deal breaker, and all that has been happening for a while. You don’t need anymore justification, you’ve got all the evidence you need.

Good luck, I really hope you’re ok
Bootsie x

[forestwalker]

Hi Muddyboots,

The builder walked off the job with (removed by moderator) of my money. Unfortunately for me this builder was a “mate” of my partner…site is a mess and I have felt even more broken from this.
(Removed by moderator) night was particularly bad usual name calling and swearing at me, threw my phone at me. I just went up to bed and told him I couldn’t face the verbal abuse anymore, and then he decided at (removed by moderator) to come into the bedroom and start all over again and made a big demonstration of packing his clothes – I wanted him out and he was requesting money from me, and although I stated that I would give him (removed by moderator) after he left, he then quickly backed down and the old lines of I love you, we need to talk etc etc came out again. The only way he would leave me be, was if I agreed to let him sleep in the same bed as me.

I am really struggling to work and focus on anything. I know I can do this, but like others on here, I just feel that I am waiting. I had a lightbulb moment in therapy last week, and I know I will get him out. But I also know that I need to develop some resilience in order to not allow him to come back. I know that he will be receiving a massive pay in (removed by moderator) (primarily because he always tells me in true n**********c fashion). Then he will be gone, as I then hope I won’t feel guilty throwing him out.

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