I liked it.

[SyberFox]

Some days i actually miss getting hit and yelled at. everything feels fake now, like im going through the motions of what is expected from me. when i first got out of the relationship i would flinch if something was thrown near me or if someone moved to fast. now i pretend it bothers me just to seem normal, but i really just want someone to follow through with those fake joking punches or toss something at me a little too hard. i want someone to scream at me again, i miss someone blaming me for everything.

i feel like an absolute monster because i liked getting hit and belittled, now i miss it.
Is this a normal feeling?

[KIP.]

Hi, this is how I felt in the beginning. I read a lot about the pyscology behind abuse and I discovered that as human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if that ‘normal’ is violence or abuse. It will take some time for your brain to adjust and realise that this behaviour is not right and detrimental to our health. If you google the cycle of abuse. There is a build up period when we walk on eggshells, while we wait for their abusive outburst. After the abusive outburst comes the honeymoon period when they are sorry and are nice to us so that we don’t dump them or report them. So this build up of anxiety is only released after an abusive outburst, so after my ex was arrested I craved that abusive outburst for a long time. Because in my brain, everything would be ok after the abuse. Hope that makes sense. Have a look at Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ or Pat Craven ‘Living with the Dominator. Hang in there. The longer you are no contact, the easier it gets. I would also recommend some good counselling x

[KIP.]

I remember in some ways I went out of my way to cause myself extra anxiety. It’s hard to articulate but I reported extra abuse, quite horrific abuse and the anxiety this caused me because I thought when he found out he would come and finish me off. Yet I seemed to crave that danger. Sometimes it kind of reminds me of self harming but not in a physical way. In a mental way. Trying to ease the anxiety by provoking it. I think mentally we are trying to recreate the abused mind set we were in for years because we crave that crazy dysfunctional ‘normal’.

[indunn]

Are you sure you “liked being hit and belittled”? Or like KIP suggests perhaps you miss the dramatic ups and downs of the past. There is no doubt, life without my ex is quiet, peaceful and some would say boring but I say bring it on – I’ll take all the steady, life without drama there is. But if you miss it then I’d suggest you seek out a less harmful way of making life exciting, I don’t know – take up para-gliding or deep sea diving, acting, bungee jumping there is a world of possibilities out there. Possibilities that will provide you with the nail biting, anxious making moments but after, you will feel proud of your self, you will have done ‘whatever’ and survived. You can show your friends the pics and see what admiration feels like, I think you might prefer it to pity. I think how you are feeling now is part of the process of recovery, there has to be an alternative, more positive source to get your adrenalin flowing – have a think, perhaps give it a go and then let us know, you could perhaps do a sponsored parachute jump out of a plane, you got me thinking now, what could I do …

[Author]

Posts