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I met a man recently to sign some official paperwork to end a contract we’d entered into years ago.
I didn’t recognise him. He was old. He looked as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
I completed the forms as I needed to and handed them over. I walked away without a word. I had to turn towards him as I left, I’m sure he sat where he did to force me to do that, and I saw his face. It looked emotionless and empty.
He said very little to me as I’d told him to be quiet while I was reading the paperwork. What he did say was cutting and icy. It was clear he wanted to say more and to discuss other things as I know his body language well. I gave him no chance.
This time I held control. He needed me to be there to do something for him. But I’d decided the date we met, where we met and at what time and I controlled the meeting totally.
I put the pen down, stood up and walked away. I left him sitting there looking lost. Like his bubble had burst.
That man was my ex. I felt no sorrow, no remorse, nothing for him or for our relationship but I still felt fear. I got no pleasure treating him like that. I’m not that sort of person
I think that’s it now. I think everything is sorted. Just need a final piece of paper from my solicitor to close the last aspect of financial settlement but I’ll only get that when he’s properly dealt with this part of the paperwork.
I don’t know how I feel. I’m glad it’s done. We had to meet, there was no other way he’d have done it and I’d tried suggesting all other options, as had our solicitors.
I dealt with it by being like him, using some of the controlling behaviours he’d shown me and gave him the cold treatment, but it didn’t feel good at all.
It’s knocked me back seeing him, I’m trying not to let it affect me too much but I’m finding my anxiety has escalated and I’m looking over my shoulder, jumping at the noise of every car outside and pacing the house. I’ve thrown up and I’ve cried through the sheer frustration of the fact that although I controlled the meeting he’s still got the power to mess with my head. I don’t need to fear him any more but I think it’s in my blood. It’s exhausted me emotionally again.
I know some of you will say we shouldn’t have met. There was no other way. He’s such a controller and has run rings round everyone – solicitors have even gone to police about his behaviour and he’s received warnings about harassment in relation to this. He’s never quite reached level of being charged – he’s too clever for that.
I was safe at the meeting. Everyone close to me made sure of that. It was in a public place. My phone was in my bag and recording the conversation. I wasn’t alone – there were others already there as back up for me, people he didn’t know but who wanted to make sure I felt supported and safe. The venue even had a security guard and what I didn’t know at the time is that he had been briefed by the others they’d shown him a photo of me and he was hovering close by.
Tomorrow will be better, just like the last few weeks after the meeting have been better. One day at a time. -
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Dear KIP,
It wasn’t brave. It was pretty stupid to be honest! But it was a necessity and its over and no matter what he asks there is absolutely no reason I can see that we would ever need to meet again. Our daughter has already decided that if she ever gets married he’s not invited and other family members tell me he’s not going to any family events -including funerals! Except maybe his own? And we’ll all be there at that to give him a good send off – open coffin I think so we can be sure it’s him!
I’m on the up again now. Just need to allow my anxiety to abate as although I know he can’t get me I’m subconsciously worrying xx -
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Hi White Rose,
It’s sad that we need to resort to being like them just to manage to survive coming into with them- but needs must. We need to be as cold and abrupt as they were to us.
If he’s broken, it’s not your fault. Recently in my life, I have seen a number of people who earlier in life thought nothing of controlling and putting others down. Now, those they bullied are standing up to them. When these abusers lose power, they look bereft and lost. But they need to face themselves and what they’ve done.
I am sorry you were triggered. Have a lazy evening, with an extra big helping of extreme self-care.
You managed it. You maintained your dignity and didn’t let him take your power. Well done x
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