I might be repeating bad relationship

[MayaMuffin]

My ex-husband was abusive, not physically violent, but definitely everything else that didn’t leave a mark.
The police were involved and he was given a restraining order … I’ve not seen him since.

In the many years that have followed I found another man and married him. He has (detail removed by moderator) children from a previous marriage. There’s been issues in his life that have been stressful, and I understand that, but he has a bad relationship with alcohol and it’s escalated lately. He is verbally abusive to me when drunk and says really hurtful things. The next day he’ll deny remembering any of it and says not to take notice of what he says when he is that drunk. I never get an apology. Recently it wasn’t just me he verbally abused, but also some of my family. He even threw something at one of them and then threatened violence. He hasn’t apologised for this or acknowledged what he did. He’s now carrying on as usual and is pleasant and nice again.

Today I applied for information on him under Clare’s Law. I’m concerned his behaviour is escalating and I’m worried for myself. I know there was something that happened with his ex wife, but he maintained it was lies and I don’t have any details. I’m hoping the disclosure will cover this.

I see a counsellor and he told me in no uncertain terms that I am being abused again. He is concerned for my safety. It’s made me think. I don’t know what to do or how to tackle things. I love my husband dearly and he can be the nicest most caring person. We have so much in common. It’s just this drinking issue. When he drinks he is an a******e. An a******e I’m intimidated and hurt by. I want to help him, but don’t know how to when he won’t listen if I bring the topic up. He is in denial.

[liftingthefog]

My husband is currently on bail. I have have endured physical, sexual, financial and emotional abuse from him virtually since I met him. He didn’t like me speaking with his ex wife, although she reached out to me several times as my step son was relatively young (she his mother). The ex asked me on several occasions if I’d like to (removed by moderator), knowing this would upset my now husband I never did.
During the last (removed by moderator) years I often found myself more than questioning his abusive behaviour, however I was always in such a tailspin I now realise that I was trauma bonded from very early into the relationship.
With him being on bail, (police sadly involved) I have had to reconnect with his ex re the emotional welfare of my stepson and needless to say we have now had the opportunity to discuss things that I wish I had known sooner. The intermittent questioning his behaviour was my sub conscience trying to get through to me that all was not right.
If ever I wish that I had gone for a (removed by moderator) and saved myself nearly (removed by moderator) years of trying to figure out, rationalise and excuse the inexcusable it is now.
If you can speak to his ex (safely) and hopefully Clare’s law will also have something. One of the reasons I am giving a police interview (the thought has me shaking) is that I met him online, and I now know a previous incident with his ex was reported to the police but not feeling strong enough at the time charges were withdrawn. Whatever the outcome I wish anyone in the future with him will be able to utilise Clare’s law …. because he will do it again and guess what he sold himself to me as the ‘victim’ utterly shocking but I am assured this is normal for them.

[Hereforhelp]

Mayamuffin, I wanted to say we’ll done for your Clare’s Law application. It’s really awful that you’re being abused by your husband. Your gut and instincts have kicked in and I think you already know that he’s an abuser and using alcohol as an excuse, to excuse the inexcusable. He doesn’t apologise as he isn’t sorry and can hold the alcohol responsible, it is not alcohol that makes him abusive, he is abusive.
All our abusers on here whom we have loved and trusted have been nice…
My husband and I had lots in common
He was so funny
When our children were young he was really hands on and helpful
He looked after me when I was sick
Was amazing with my elderly parents
I truly loved him and never even looked at anyone else (although he accused me of all sorts and disguised it with it’s not you I don’t trust it is other men)

He also emotionally abused me and then our children
He made me his servant, I had to have sex with him or he would get verbally abusive to me or I couldn’t go out.
He told me I was mad for decades and I believed him.
He had a sad past which he used to his advantage and to excuse some of his behaviours

All the abuse started subtly, we had and still do have a trauma bond which I am just learning about.

Help yourself ❤ you are not responsible for your husband in any way whatsoever.

[MayaMuffin]

Thank you.
I haven’t had any disclosure yet from my Clare’s Law application. I have however had multiple missed calls from a withheld number which turned out to be the police. They wanted to discuss what I’d disclosed in my Clare’s Law application. They wanted me to go to a meeting with them, which I refused. I had no idea how I’d explain away disappearing off at the weekend on my own for a few hours to my husband. The police text me and I assured them I was ok. I have previous experience dealing with the police for an abuse case. I’d asked them not to arrest my ex husband at the time and that I wasn’t trying to press charges. They over-ruled me and arrested him anyway, so I’m very wary of saying anything more to them as I don’t want things to escalate at the moment.
My husband is currently being very nice and quite affectionate to me. My suspicious mind thinks this is because he is aware what he did was out of order and he’s sucking up. The few friends I’ve spoken to said they’d have thrown him out the house based on his behaviour Christmas, so he’s lucky I’m calmer and more forgiving.
I know that before we were together his ex-wife had an occupation order raised against him to remove him from the family home. I’ve been reading about occupation orders in the meantime and what my husband told me about it all those years ago doesn’t ring quite true. They likely wouldn’t issue an occupation order for the reasons he told me his ex had given. Obviously I’ll have to see what does turn up if/when I get the disclosure.
Regarding speaking to his ex … that’s a definite no. She’s not a nice person, she’s a habitual liar, manipulative and nasty. I’ve never had anything to do with her, but I’ve read letters from her solicitor and also seen text’s she’s sent through and they aren’t nice and full of inaccuracies and lies. She bends the truth. So whatever the disclosure says … I need to take it with a pinch of salt as I know what she’s like.

[Wants To Help]

Hi MayaMuffin,

If you are going to take what the police tell you in the Clare’s Law disclosure with a pinch of salt (detail removed by moderator)

Your initial post mentions that your husband is abusive and your follow up post mentions he has previously been arrested. You know he has a previous history that has been reported to the police, (detail removed by moderator)

Ideally, you should be considering your future with your husband based on how he treats YOU, not someone else. I know many ladies want to see if he has a history of abuse with someone else just to help them confirm they are not going crazy or imagining stuff, but when they get a disclosure of previous abuse and then try and justify it the whole purpose of Clare’s Law is pointless.

I know of disclosures where a lady has been told that her partner hit his ex over the head with a frying pan in the kitchen and her response was “Oh yeah, he told me about that but she was a psycho – you should hear what she did to HIM!” Yes, he partner managed to get his version of events in first and convince her that his ex was to blame and deserved being hit with a frying pan, so regardless of the Clare’s Law disclosure this lady decided to stay with him.

You say you have previously had a Restraining Order to stop your ex husband contacting you? This would be disclosed to any new partner of his under a Clare’s Law request. Is she to ignore that too based on the fact that you must have have made everything up for some reason? Would his new partner be at risk of domestic abuse from him or not based on how he treated you?

From what you describe of your husband he is an abuser with a drink problem. He is two things. He is using the drink to excuse his abuse but that is not acceptable. He has threatened violence to other people around you too so no wonder they are concerned for you.

Please allow yourself to ‘see’ him for what he is. Google Cognitive Dissonance to understand this. You want to believe something so much that you are clearly not seeing the truth of the matter. We’ve all been there, myself included, but until you can accept what is happening in your relationship nothing is going to improve.

xx

[MayaMuffin]

‘Wants to Help’ I think you are getting muddled between my husband and my ex-husband.
I’ve not had any legal action against my husband. He has not been arrested.
It was my ex-husband that was arrested and bailed with the restraining order.

My current husband had a messy divorce with his ex, and she used an occupation order to evict him from the family home. I do not know the reasons she sighted to get the order raised. I only know what he told me, which on reflection seems unlikely to have been the case.

I said I’d read what his ex said with a pinch of salt because I know what she is like. That said, if what I read has similarities with what I’m currently experiencing I’ll be more likely to take note. It’ll make me feel like I’m not going mad. It may force me to make some changes/take action … so no it’s not a waste of time requesting it.

My husband has not been violent to me ever. However, over the holiday period he displayed behaviour I’d not seen before and it concerned me. Is it not then reasonable to then want to have a Clare’s Law disclosure report to see if this is the same behaviour his ex reported?

[Wants To Help]

I apologise for misreading what you said and any offence this has caused you.

Clare’s Law can be great, and sometimes it can be detrimental. When there are cases of ‘nothing to disclose’ this can make a lady feel that she must be imagining her situation, minimise it, or even think the issues in it are her fault (because abusers often tell us that we’re the problem!) So in some cases a disclosure is dismissed because the abuser has already convinced his partner of his version of events, and in some cases a ‘nothing to disclose’ doesn’t help either because the lady thinks he’s not been abusive to anyone other than her. All this means is that no one else has reported the abuse. When ladies pin their decision making solely on the Clare’s Law disclosure it is worrying; if he is making you feel uneasy, unhappy, threatened, uncomfortable etc then does it really make any difference how he has treated someone else?

[MayaMuffin]

It’s ok, I know it comes from a good intentioned place.

I know his ex had made comments in her solicitors letters during their divorce about his drinking. She had sighted issues which I know to be lies because of the dates she mentioned and supposed chain of events, which I was present for and know to be untruths. However, that’s not to say it’s all lies. He does have issues with drink, but she was bending the truth to get what she wanted. Hence I can’t take her word at face value.

Now, he told me that she was abusive and threatening to him. He also told me the reason for the occupation order, but the reason he gave me does not look to be a valid reason for one being issued. So it seems he has lied to me too. I want to see what the real reason was, and if it echo’s behaviour I’ve observed. She may have accused him of worse (likely to get the order raised). Either way, the Christmas period behaviour concerned me, and that’s the first time it has. Previously I’d just taken it all as drunken verbal drivel. Him squaring up to a member of my family whilst drunk and unprovoked has changed my view. I can hope it was a one off, but I’d like to check for my own peace of mind.

[liftingthefog]

Maya muffin,
I hope you are okay and making your enquiries.
I’ve just been reading through the last couple of posts. I understand why perhaps you don’t trust his ex wife, however I was told so so many lies about my husband’s ex wife and because I was in love with him I chose to believe him.
An Occupation Order is a very very difficult thing to get (more so than a Non Molestation) purely because a home owner has a fundamental legal right to live in their home unless it can absolutely be proven that he is a danger.
Please keep doing your home work, however I truly wish I had listened to my gut instincts many years ago when the behaviours started showing themselves.
Instead I kept forgiving, making excuses (one being his previous acrimonious divorce) and trying to fix him and us.
Please keep yourself safe.
Best wishes
🤗🙏

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Goldenretrieveher,
Well this Occupation Order seemed to spring out of nowhere. He certainly wasn’t expecting it. It gave him 48 hours to vacate the family home.
I’m not sure if this is normal timescales or not. If someone is in imminent danger, 48 hours seems a long time to grant access to the home still for.
I’m still waiting on the Clare’s Law disclosure. I don’t know how long it usually takes. Does anyone know?

[Wants To Help]

Hi again,

the police have up to 35 days to make a disclosure. If there is deemed to be an ‘urgent’ risk of harm then a disclosure should be made within 24 hours (example of this will follow) but these are quite rare. As we all know, ‘risk’ is hard to predict and things can happen at any time. Just because you don’t have a disclosure within 24 hours does not mean there is no concerning behaviour to disclose.

The decision to do an ‘urgent’ disclosure lies with senior management with the police who have to authorise certain procedures being waived from the normal procedure. The normal procedure is that once the police have discussed with you your reason for wanting the information background checks will be made, proof of your identity will be required, forms will need to be signed by you regarding confidentiality and the case goes to a MARAC meeting to confirm consent of all agencies to share the information with you.

Urgent risk of harm disclosure example – female applied for Clare’s Law on a new boyfriend she’d been with for a week who had moved in with her. He was wanted for an offence of a serious assault on an ex girlfriend in another part of the country. Police attended her address to arrest him and gave her the disclosure there and then.

With regards to the Occupation Order, this is a civil order that will have been taken out in the county court and the police may not hold the facts as to why this was taken out. The police do not have to be involved at all in the issue of Occ Orders so unless they were involved in the domestic situation that led up to it being sought they might be unaware of its existence, therefore, it won’t be on the disclosure.

[Bananaboat]

Hi Mayamuffin, I hope my post doesn’t offend you in any way that is not my intention at all but having read through this post with independent eyes I’m wondering what your ideal outcome would be? There are a lot of warning signs in what you’ve said, the occupation order with his ex, the way you describe his ex (have you met her or just go on his descriptions and what he’s showed you?), the drinking and his behaviour, but also avoiding the police calls. I don’t know if you mean to but it can read as if you’re looking to justify his behaviour. If you are don’t worry we’ve all been there! It’s horrible to accept the man you love as an abuser. If the Clare’s law disclosed anything what will you do?

As others have said the alcohol isn’t the root cause, I used to think if I could get him off the drink/drugs he’d be great but no, he chooses to drink and he chooses to abuse, removing the drink does not remove the abuse. Just an excuse for it.

Whatever you do, stay safe. If you don’t have one already, start a journal so you can start to remember incidents, what he says/does and how you feel. Good luck

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Bananaboat,
I guess I’m hoping to see that there isn’t anything in a disclosure. Then I can reassure myself that he isn’t likely to become violent. However, it is clear that at some point I’m going to have to try and raise his drinking issue which will be difficult. It’s a tough one, but if he is willing to seek help then I will 100% support him in that. Or alternatively I’d like him to agree to reduce or stop drinking alcohol. He needs to realise when he is excessively drunk, he is not a nice person and if it continues this way I won’t be sticking around. He has to consider carefully what he does because he stands to lose a lot if I chuck him out.

[MayaMuffin]

It’s happened again. (Detail removed by moderator) he started drinking around lunchtime. I wasn’t aware how much he had, and early evening he suggested we go out for dinner. I naively agreed thinking it’d be a romantic dinner. On the way to the restaurant he stopped at the pub for another beer. He then admitted he’d drunk (detail removed by moderator) beers at home before coming out. He couldn’t walk very straight, (detail removed by moderator).  During dinner he ordered (detail removed by moderator). He drank most of that. He started sluring and putting his hands in my food and not eating his food. I tried to get him to drink water. I ended up getting the bill because he wasn’t physically capable. When we got up to leave, he fell over and knocked a chair into another diner. Waiters had to help him up and carry him out for me. He pushed one of the waiters in the face. I then had to walk him home. He fell multiple times and the first time I tried to stop him and he took me over with him and landed on me. It’s injured my leg. Eventually got him home and in to bed. I slept on the couch but didn’t actually manage to sleep much at all. I just sobbed. In the morning he came down saying he couldn’t remember dinner or what happened or how he got home. He asked why I was on the sofa. So I told him everything and for the very first time in our relationship … he apologised. I’m not sure if this is how rock bottom realisation moment, but I hope so because I’m getting towards the end of my tether. I’m exhausted from putting up with attitude from his youngest child that he won’t sort out, from the drunken behaviour and verbal abuse. I’m sick of picking up the pieces and being treated like I don’t matter and taken for granted.
He has an alcohol problem. He binge drinks to excess and gets verbally and emotionally abusive. How do I get him to listen to me, not dismiss my comments? He just wants to be in denial that he has a problem. Tells me I want to stop him drinking because I’m no fun. Every time he drinks through I just fear what will happen.

[Wants To Help]

Hi,

this sounds so awful for you and I can imagine how you must have felt. Have you had the outcome of the Clare’s Law request yet?

Unless he is now willing to accept and acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol nothing will change here unless you make changes. You cannot MAKE him listen to you, but you CAN tell him how things will be from now on if you have the determination to make changes.

Have you considered Alcoholics Anonymous as a source of help for both of you? AA deals with people who have problems with alcohol. Binge drinking is included in this. They have meetings especially for people with the alcohol problem and they have meetings for family and friends whose lives are affected by people with alcohol problems. If your partner is serious about making changes to his life then he needs to make the decision to go to AA and fully engage with the programme. It’s no good him going to please you because if he doesn’t want to stop drinking then he can go to the meetings AND still drink. However, you can go to the open meetings and get support from other people who are in the same situation as you and find out information, coping strategies, or ways of exiting yourself from this relationship. Just because he might not want to address his alcohol issue it doesn’t mean you can’t, you can seek support for how his issues affect YOU.

I’ve put a link to AA below, have a look and see if there is a meeting near you. Is there any harm in going along and finding out what support they can offer you?

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings

[MayaMuffin]

Hi,
No I’ve not had a report back from the Clare’s Law request. It seems whatever I filled in online last time wasn’t the actual official application, it just triggered the police contacting me. So I’ve looked again and filled in another online form. I have an application number now and so I guess the waiting starts over again. Might not get anything back, who knows.
I’m not sure if the apology was for his behaviour and him suddenly recognising he has an issue, (detail removed by moderator)  I hope this means it’s suddenly hit him how bad he gets. I think he could see how dejected and upset I was. I didn’t shout or swear at him, I just told him the cold hard facts of what happened, (Detail of conversation removed by moderator).
I’ve not told him about the Clare’s Law application I made or that it’s because my family are now concerned he may hit me when he’s drunk after his performance over Christmas (which he still hasn’t acknowledged or apologised for).
I’ve been in contact with ‘WeAreHere’ and ‘Adfam’ about the drink issue. I can’t get to meetings and don’t feel comfortable having zoom meetings about it when my husband is in the house within earshot. So it’s difficult. I do discuss this stuff with my counsellor, but I’ve not covered this latest incident with him yet as it happened since my last appointment.

[Anonymous]

Hello mayamuffin. When I met my last abuser I instantly picked up something wernt right. I saw red flags he were very anxious. I made a mistake of telling him about my last abuser he used this against me…as they do… anyway I managed to speak with his ex wife she told me she had to get an order on him and it were like living with a monster… a were a very different story to what he told me….while I were with him he had a further order on him…I didn’t do a claires law I’d heard enough…but best wishes to you love xx

[MayaMuffin]

He’s been all sweetness and nice since the last binge drinking incident. I got some nice gifts for valentine’s day and we got some take out. I bought a bottle of wine to go with dinner. Offered to pour him a glass when I poured mine and he declined. Hoping this is because he realises he has an issue with alcohol now and is ashamed. I’ve since hidden the bottle, that I only had one glass of, just in case he goes looking for drink.

[Author]

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