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Hi,
It hasn’t been that long since I left my abuser and part of me has this massive anger and rage towards him with what he’s done to me but another part of me misses him. I keep having memories of the good times and getting really sad and then I remember the lies and the shouting and the controlling and it just makes everything worse. I cry myself to sleep most nights and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Part of me wants to just contact him which I know is a bad idea, especially when I wouldn’t take him back the first few times he’s now resulted in telling people I cheated on him and making himself into the good guy. It’s especially painful because I still love him and don’t know how to not love him?! I don’t know how to get over him or the abuse if I keep just thinking about everything, it feels like pretty much all day everyday he’s on my mind and I do everything I can not too think about him but he always resurfaces in my mind especially when I want to get to sleep. I know time is meant to be the best healer but it just feels more painful and it won’t leave my mind.
I’ve started writing letters to him which i won’t send to him but it’s just to get everything I’m thinking about out onto paper but it doesn’t stop the constant thoughts of him or the dreams. I feel like I can’t escape…Any advice on how to cope with this would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you! X
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Hi Aria,
It’s totally normal to feel like this after leaving, I felt exactly the same. Missing him and constant thoughts yet also fear and anger at his abuse and sadness and confusion.The good news is although it’s not easy you’ll get through this stage and won’t always feel this desperate about him. Eventually you’ll wonder what you saw in him and realise you deserve so much better x 1000.
What helped me was:
– Write down a list of all of the abuse. From small incidents to the worst things, write it all down. Then re read it every time you miss him. It helps your trauma bonded brain start to see him clearer each day until eventually the feelings of missing him go.
– Know that you miss his mask. All abusers wear a mask that is tailor made to appeal to us. That’s how we get sucked in. But it’s all fake. So you’ve actually lost nothing and gained everything in your freedom.
– However it’s also important to mourn the loss of what you thought you had. Cry as much as you need.
– Journal every day if you can
– Start a craft/sewing/whatever you’re into sewing project to represent your journey away from him. I’m making a blanket. Each stitch represents a step away from him towards me.
– Make a list of all the things you’ve always wanted to try. Then start trying them! Even better if he tried to ban you from them or implied you couldn’t do something.
– Finally give yourself time. It takes a while. I read it takes 18 months to get over a p********h. I’m nearing that mark and it seems to be true. I’m still working on my healing but I’m not missing him or crying all the time etc. I can see him much more clearly now, how he trapped me, why I was vulnerable etc and work on improving my life each day. Keep going it gets better. -
Hi Aria, i totally agree with sunshineflower, look back at everything he dud to you, how he made you feel, your you’re missing the initial man you feel for, you’re missing the future he promised you you’d have together, but the reality is the future you’d have had would have been awful, constant walking on eggshells, not knowing
What mood he’d be in. I’m still with my OH and i spent at least 6wks under a blanket lying on the couch when i couldn’t face going out. You’re in the healing process, try and survive it. No one will ever judge you no matter what decision you make.
Sending love and strength to you
IWMB 💕💕
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