I miss him

[Anonymous]

I miss him. These feelings don’t just switch off because of what he has done. I miss kissing & cuddling and feeling him next me when we cuddle in bed. I miss his touch and his smell. I miss his laugh & his voice, I miss his eyes and the way he used to look at me as if he was smitten. I don’t know weather all the passion and genuineness was a lie I hope it wasn’t but I can’t determine what is fact or fiction anymore. I miss talking to him I miss holding hands and laughing together I miss it all I’m falling apart because after all he was the other half of me. I keep wondering how he’s doing in prison what he’s doing if he’s safe or hurt. I keep wondering if he’s thinking of me and our baby wether he feels guilty or is he in total denial. I wonder if he’s even she’d a tear or feeling even half the pain I am feeling. I go to bed and I just don’t want to wake up to face the reality of tomorrow everyday is getting more and more unbearable.

[fizzylem]

Hey FB, it’s good you are spending time processing how you feel and being with these feelings. It’s a process of letting go and this is part of it. I can relate, I spent alot of time writing and reflecting for a long time, but it paid in dividends in the end because I gave myself what I needed and eventually stepped away feeling adjusted to it, knowing I understood what happened, how I felt, how it had affected me, what I have learnt, how I feel afterwards. Be with your pain and the losses, stand still for a while and slowly you will start to come out the otherside.

If you start to feel you are spending too much time with your emotions, it’s a good idea to remind yourself why it has to be the way it is, or say in the example you have given above, spend some time thinking about what you also do not miss about him, to balance things out. Helps to restore some calm and affirms your decision for you.

I can honestly say I tried to love him with all my heart, thought we’d be together till old and grey and one time, but now, I absolutely know 100% he was not the man for me.

It will pass at some point, but only once you’ve been through this. Hang in there, be with loved ones when you feel able and try to give yourself bags of self care as well x

[Peacethroughhealing]

I miss him too. He isn’t in prison but walking about free to be with whoever he wants to be with. I miss him with all of my heart and the difficulty, that I’ve come to realise, is separating the beautiful times with the horrendous things he has done. It doesn’t compute with me and I really really struggle with it especially when I see him functioning around my work and going about his business. Apparently I was the trigger for a lot of his anger despite the fact that I know he has a previous conviction for domestic abuse. He doesn’t know that I know. Every other night I want to get in touch and life is so so short that it breaks my heart because I feel so miserable without him despite some of the horrible things he has done. It has been two months no contact now and I imagine he’s with someone else and that destroys me.

[Tiffany]

It gets easier. Part of it is the trauma bonding, so it’s almost like going cold turkey with an addiction. Your brain is basically dealing with withdrawal. That bit you just have to wait out. If you can be no contact it helps a lot though, because you aren’t continually reopening the pathways to your addiction.

Then part of it is genuine loneliness. It’s a huge change in living situation, however you left and wherever you end up. It’s good to try and spend time around people to fend this off if you can, and especially around friends/family/people you are close to, if you can. Even just on the phone, if there isn’t anyone close. That helps with what I would call social loneliness. Then there is the physical loneliness, missing the touch of another person. The best thing to alleviate that is other physical touch – hugs from friends and massages are obvious, and excellent examples, but it doesn’t have to be that literal. Having a bath, or going swimming, or walking barefoot outside, or putting on lotion, or cuddling a pillow or lying in clean sheets all help too. Any physical sensation that makes you feel good can help ward off physical loneliness.

And then there is the mental component, which I think I would describe basically as habit. If you are anything like me, you had him as basically your all. His opinions, his choices, he was your touchstone for pretty much everything. For me the most obvious symptom of that was a desire to text him whenever anything happened. And to think of his preferences over my own when shopping. It took effort to break those habits, but it really helped with my recovery. I started easy, text a friend rather than him, choose my favourites in the supermarket instead of his. And gradually I came back to being the centre of my own world.

And finally you are grieving, for the good bits of the relationship, and for the imagined future you no longer have. In this part I found it really important to remember the bad bits too, and to remind myself that I had imagined a future which could never have happened with my abuser. But also to acknowledge that I was grieving, and that it was a loss, just of my image of my ex, rather than the reality.

It will get better, in time. It’s just frustratingly slow sometimes. None of what happened was your fault, but you can still control what happens next. Keep striving for the life you want. More of it can be yours than you ever imagined when you were with your abuser. You will be happy again.

[JustKeepSinging]

Hugs x*x
I miss him too. And I hate myself for it but I understand it’s a part of it. I just wish I didn’t. I miss him at the weirdest times. He was my best friend for so long and because I was so isolated he was also the person I spoke to nearly all of the time. I can’t bring myself to watch things we watched together on tv, or go places we took the kids too together. I wish he’d get out of my head.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the amazing reply! You have honestly helped me so much just from one message. Take care x

[KIP.]

Try to remember you miss the ‘fake’ him. The man who wore a mask to keep you hooked in. The real him is a selfish self serving individual who will destroy you if you let him. You need to grieve for your hopes and dreams but love doesn’t hurt us. Love would not break us and destroy us. Eventually the fog will clear and you will see the man you loved was a nasty abuser who had no care for you at all. It takes time and patience and zero contact. Your self esteem and confidence have been shaken to the core. Be very kind to yourself and keep moving forwards x

[Author]

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