I miss him so much, i want our life back

[Healthyarchive]

This week I go on holiday by myself, it was our holiday together, I ended our relationship (I am not sure if I meant to end it though I felt sure at the time) I told him to cancel his holiday ticket which he did. We have had no contact on either side since then, I thought he might have contacted me and I wanted him to. I needed to feel proof that I was loved and wanted. I am heartbroken and miss him so much. I so much want to contact him to just to say hello, I have asked people for advice and each person says no way do not contact him. I thought that I would be ok. I am used to travelling alone it is not that, but I feel so sad that we are no longer talk. Its not so much no longer being together, as I felt sad and controlled for a lot of the time. I registered for Women’s Aid as I felt he were mentally abusive. I read a lot of books on abuse and could identify with a lot of the information, he fitted the behaviour that were described. I felt very confused and gas lighted at the end.

It’s the complete end of what we had, the promise of a bright future, the shared experiences, the promises that he made me. If we could just talk and maybe even just be friends that would be enough for me to heal from the pain that I feel. Or even to know that he is still deliberately making me suffer by giving me the silent treatment. If I knew that at least then I would know that he cares enough to still punish me. It is confusing because I know that healthy non abusive relationships end all of the time and people go their separate ways and it is normal to not talk anymore. But our relationship towards the end was not like one of those normal relationships that just finish. He was telling me how much he loved me, and I him within the week of us finishing. I have maintained no contact all of this time but think about him and our planned future together every day. This holiday is making me sad that I am taking it alone. I wrote to him at least 4 times during our problem times at the end and each message he ignored. I feel so heartbroken and so much want to hear from him and know that he cares about me.

[Serenity]

There wasn’t the promise of a bright future.

There was the promise of the increase in abuse and your confidence destroyed.

You were concerned enough to know something was wrong and to try to get counselling for it, but the signs were of a man who was not careful with your feelings and could sleep at night having upset you.

This is the awful truth for all of us, and it is hard to digest. But the truth is, there are people in this world who are incapable of loving other people properly- but seem to be able to hurt them. They have issues that they revise to deal with, preferring to project them onto their unfortunate victims.

You are bound to be feeling anxious and nostalgic. Going away on a holiday- and especially one where you were meant to go with him- is bound to be triggering. You are immensely brave for going. I don’t think I would be able to go, even now. I would find it too triggering. But you seem very brave, and if you go and have a wonderful time, you will probably feel miles more healed and independent by the end of it.

If you find it triggering once there, don’t push yourself. Take it easy. Take time to relax.

You’re doing fine.

[Serenity]

PS I feel sorry for our abusers in one way. They will never experience the warmth and relaxed nature of real love. We can- in the future.

[missiepie]

Hi HA,

I logged on today and read your post and so wished we were friends.

Today seems to be a day of nostalgia for me too. To be fair the whole weekend was. The sun being out just reminded me of all the things we would have done together on nice days. I miss the good side of my ex so very much. I never loved anyone the way I loved him or enjoyed anyones company so much. I too, very much wish I could speak with him….but I cann’t.

When we spilt he would tell me he missed me somedays but he would never admit the physical or mental tourture he put me through. If he had apologized or said he would get help then I keep thinking things may have been different for us.

I wish my brain would default to memories of the bad times, rather than the good and have to force myself to remember why we broke up. I often just want a hug from him. Is so nuts!!!!

Im very envious you have a holiday booked. Getting away and having new surroundings always makes a difference.

x*x

[Peace and pain]

my husband walked out (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago changed his number had no contact and then thursday stopped me and spoke to me i was angry and kept saying you walked out and nothing – he said he had found something and has to have a scan he is also living in a hostel ( is this lies ?? ) i so so love him and want the happy happy family . my friendemailed him with words to the effect you are not the person i meet and will never change you didnt even appologise and the ony contact we need is when i file for divoice . you walked out .
i now feel awful as though it is wrong i dont want a divoice i want him i want him to get help i love him so much
help me please .

[missiepie]

Hi P&P,

If he only left a month ago its all very fresh. You have to do what is best for you and i dont know your story.

What I would say is that if he is lying about a serious illness then it will all come out in the wash pretty quickly. Whether he is ill or not is not the reason you spilt and should also not be a reason to get back together. I dont see any harm in your explaining that to him.

Take your time….nothing needs to be rushed but explain that he walked out and the only way back is if he seeks counciling. Did you guys ever do couples therapy?. My ex refused point blank….but i think offering that as a route to peace is the best you can do. If he says no….then you know he isnt committed to making things better between you and things wont change. Also make sure he goes before you let him back…x*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I know its hard, infact everything we do the first time feels hard, we even just get dAYS WHEN WE MISS THEM , see this holiday as a begninig to fresh start , again not contacting u is just a way he continues to emotional abuse, in one way its a blessing his making no contact, they just mess with your head when they do contact u, no doubt it huirts either way, time and talking on here is a healer

[Peace and pain]

i saw him today and i drove next to him said are yu ok he said yes he asked where i was going i said to out to get away from everything
i said can we talk he said no not today he is stress and had some bad news – he drove the opposite way to me
he looked awful

i was weak and sent him this email
I don’t really know what to say I have tried to beg,plead with you . I can say I miss u, love you miss trying to be a good wife it’s really all not important , I can give you space , I can forgive you I can not forget but all of this is totally pointless , when I married you I didn’t take on your stress problems I became a wife which is to help you and support you . I have not got a clue what is going on and only you do . As a husband I you should be able to tell me anything yeah I may have a different opinion but you have different opinions than me but that is life . I can not be there for you when you don’t let me in . Everyone says it gets easier haha well it does not I saw you today omg I just wanted you to tell me you problems your worries that is what a wife is for , anyway I am at an end of what I can do , I have had so much go on the past few weeks and the one person I wanted to be there was my husband I feel like half of me has gone my mr right like I was your mrs right . I really have no idea what is going on but I can not help you if you don’t let me .
If you need to talk ( not about us because I am not even ready to go there ) about anything you know where I am and my number is
Look after your self make sure you eat and sleep and be strong I know deep down you are a mess and that’s not you the jay I meet was my rock my wide boy and that’s who I loved x

i dont know what to do i can not see past that he is mentally ill and messed up in the head
i think i have tried everything i can but i dont seem to be able to move on

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you all so much for your feedback, it helps immensely to see other people’s views. This sounds horrible and I can understand a lot of the women on here not understanding why I am saying it……but for me to be pestered, even stalked by him, for me would be better than the abandonment, rejection and dropping from a great height that I have had. This hurts me so much. If i knew he were deliberately punishing me with silence to hurt and control me, this would give me some comfort, knowing i’m important enough to abuse with silence. But to just be completely erase from his life and thoughts and actions is unbearable. I wouldn’t mind but he is not good company, very mean, not that physically attractive and has very little to offer as a good partner. I cannot understand my total heartbreak, I have never had these depth of feelings before about anybody. It must be the power & control that he exerted over me and still does. i thought about him today and his manner when we would be out together in public. He had an arrogance about him, he was not fun, easy going, a laugh. I was most of the time quite nervous of him as he looked stern and annoyed. It didn’t make interactions lighthearted, i was always walking on eggshells.

[Eve1]

Hi HA,
So sorry you feel like this, but it shows you truly are a normal healthy human being and he is not. The last part of this post reminded me exactly of my ex. He couldn’t be light-hearted and his face was often stern and I always felt I had to squash down any feelings of fun. No way to bring up children. I’m many years out don’t miss him, but even just recently I cried for the family life I wanted and thought we sometimes had.

You described him exactly (though mine is probably considered physically attractive, but not by me any more), thank you for that.

It does get better. You’re surviving and growing.

Eve
x

[Escaped not free]

HA, you have all my sympathy. I am at the same point and have nanaged by the skin of my teeth to fight back the tears until I got the kids to bed and all the chores done. I miss my ex so so deeply it physically hurts. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake and all I want are his arms around me again. Nobody around me understands, they all call him s**m and I know he has put me through hell and it makes no sense but I want our life back. I put up with so much, let him talk me around so many times, that I am so destroyed because he took every last piece of faith I had and invested in him. I love the man that was kind to me, that we shared good times together. The good weather is supposed to cheer you up but I just felt all weekend about the things I should be doing with him. I went to a special place we had, a walk to a (detail removed by Moderator) today where we would go, he would skip work when the sun came out if I had a day off and we would hide from the world, lie and look at the view and talk about the future we would have. For some stupid reason I thought he would be there. He wasn’t, obviously, why would he be? I feel your pain, trust me I do and I wish I had a way of making it better for you but I don’t. But I do understand. Take care and relax and enjoy just being free to do whatever you want on your holiday. X*x

[MixedUpandConfused]

Healthyarchive, I can relate to your situation on some level. Like you, I had a holiday booked with my ex, however I cancelled both our places. I think you are incredibly brave and strong going on the holiday and it is a massive step for you so you should be immensely proud of yourself! Also like you, right up until our split we were telling each other we loved each other etc. However I realise now that was his way of controlling me, of making me feel my world revolved around him. I almost had to prove how much I loved him, yet I was to be satisfied just by being told. I know you miss the promises he made, the promise of the future, but please remind yourself that that’s all the were, promises. Promises are just words to men like that. They say these things because they know it’s what we want to hear, so they can lure us back, but they have no intention of ever fulfilling these promises. Please do not contact him, go on holiday and relax, find yourself again, and keep posting on this, it’s a great support, especially on the hard days x

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you all so much for your feedback and comments. I remember during the last days that I saw him, just before we split he was saying things, statements about our future but at that time they did not seem to match with reality. I think he might have sensed that i was cooling off on him. He was making great promises of a wonderful future but I asked him what about now, the future that he was talking about was in 15 years what about now? his words promised everything but what we had didn’t match, i couldn’t put my future on hold for 15 years while i waited for him to be a reasonable human being. Escaped I read your post, the one statement that stuck out for me was when you said that you feel like you have made a huge mistake. I do not feel that I have made a huge mistake, i have made the right decision but being so confused mentally by a person, have your self worth reduced to the very core and then be discarded is the most painful thing that I have ever had to manage. I would get satisfaction from knowing that he has some misfortune, he contacts me in some way or gets a friend or associate to contact me or he realizes deep inside that he has made a mistake to lose me. Those are the ways I would get peace. But also you can get peace by using these experiences to learn and grow, they can actually make you stronger. EscapedNF i cant help thinking that these men get pleasure and it is a calculated act when they go silent as they know the effect it causes. A few times when we were together he said things to me i.e i’m going to give you some space to think about things, they know you are yearning for them and this space will make you want them more. In fact he said those exact words to me, he knew what to do. I have only physically seen him 3 or 4 times all of this year and I have not contacted him at all for over 2 months now.

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you Eve1, a lot of the time when I was to meet with him or he would arrive i would dread it. It wasn’t a lighthearted easy interaction, a lot of the time he looked contemptuous, i did not know why as I had not done anything wrong. It made me feel a bit frightened of him and his moods and I was always walking on egg shells. I can understand people looking like that sometimes as they have other things gong on underneath, i.e nerves or stress as I come across as moody and hostile at times when inside i’m normally scared. But when you are in a close relationship and your mood is not verbalized it affects the relationship. It made me feel needy.

[missiepie]

Reading everyones messages on here…. we are all in the same boat.

How do you think your ex’s would describe themselves on a dating site? Mine started his bio with “easy -going”!!!!!!!!! He is ANYTHING BUT!!! It was always drama as soon as he didnt get his way.

I did have to laugh at that when a friend showed me.

It would be great if we all shared what makes us feel better when we miss our ex’s or past relationship.

I try and remind myself that even if I could go back….it would be hell. No contact with my ex opens up the door to find a better future and a better relationship with someone who respects me.

As the old saying goes …you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince. My ex wasnt the prince I thought he was…he was a frog 🙂

Also….if I ever thing about him being with someone else and start to get upset about him being the perfect man with them….I remind myself that right now that might be true…..but it wont last, just as with me…he cant keep that act up for long x

[Author]

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