I miss him

[SunshineRainflower]

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) since I ended things and I’m much much more functional than I was, which is good, as I was initially crying for hours each day, suicidal and couldn’t talk about anything but him. I’ve been applying to work, volunteering, walking, yoga, hobbies and have tried some support groups and therapists although disappointing they weren’t right for me so I am still lacking in support with only a few friends, and a family of n*********s.

So tonight after watching First Dates on tv I end up sobbing into the cushions on the sofa for hours, missing him! I loved loved loved cuddling up to him on the sofa, it was one of my favourite things to do and could stay there for hours in his arms. God I miss that so, so, so much. I realise that because of my abusive family I sort of put him in the role of a parent figure, a sort of carer, and felt childlike, finally safe and protected with him if that makes sense. I’m realising that is really unhealthy and points to unhealed childhood wounds, I just have to wait a long time for a therapist to work through it all sadly, I wish I could start therapy today but I can’t afford private.

I think I’ve focused a lot on all the awful stuff he said and did, but this was stopping me from acknowledging what I liked about him (or more accurately what I liked about his false persona) and all the things he gave me that I am now painfully missing. Like sofa cuddles, companionship, someone to talk to all evening, a film watching buddy, falling asleep in his arms, someone to text and receive texts from throughout each day, waking up in his arms, spooning, sex etc etc

It’s mainly stuff to do with physical affection and touch. No wonder I crave this and got addicted to him because I don’t get this sort of physical warmth and affection anywhere else in my life, my mum is a cold fish and a n********t, my dad gives me the creeps, my brother is an emotionally abusive n********t, and most of my friends are pretty cold and freeze up if I try to talk about my ex, and they certainly never give me a hug.

I need some hugs in my life! I wish I had some warmer friends who wanted to sit and chat and would give me a hug. I feel so, so alone and craving (non sexual) love and warmth from other people. (detail removed by Moderator)

Just needed to get this off my chest, thanks for listening. I’m also noticing that my lounge still reminds me a lot of him and it’s often where I end up crying as it’s like he was only there 5 minutes ago. I guess we had a rather sofa based relationship which is probably why (at the time this depressed me at times, and I wanted to go out more, but he always said he was tired after work, and to be honest I just liked an excuse to cuddle). How can I change the energy in there and help it to feel different and like I’m getting his energy out of the room and moving forwards? I feel his absence there most strongly and it makes me feel incredibly sad and alone.

[lover of no contact]

Hi sunshine,

Just wanted to say I read your post and could identify and you really describe so well the ‘pull’ of the fake persona of the abuser that was so lovely. The physical (pretend on their part) warmth, touch, hugs, sex etc. Who wouldn’t have loved it. My abuser too never put himself out for me, didn’t expend much in terms of energy and money on me. He knew I craved love, and physical closeness. Hey who wouldn’t, I’m a normal loving person. And like you I had an abuser mum, abuser brother, loving but abused dad, so I probably needed the love more.

At the moment I can’t think of great advice on how to purge and exorcise him from your life. But I had the feelings of emptiness that you describe. I felt the void. I had to detox from the physical part of the relationship. This was made easier for me because I had been with him decades his ‘nice bits’ were only crumbs of niceness in the end. And he escalated so badly that the pain of the abuse was far greater than ‘his crumbs of niceness’.

These feelings of loss actually do pass, and get less and less. Keep posting, it will help shift them (and help us women in the process). My ’empty’ feelings are negligible now. They get triggered from time to time but not as often and they stay less.

At least you’re not numbing the void with alcohol or drugs or overworking.

You’re feeling but you’re healing. Its tough work healing but feeling the loss means you’re healing from the loss of the love you should have got in childhood also.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine Rainflower,

It’s perfectly normal for you to feel that longing. You are a normal, warm-blooded, loving person, and wanting closeness and companionship is normal.

The thing is, these abusers aren’t normal. When I was in shock after my marriage ended, experiencing PTSD etc, my body was missing him so much ( in some ways: in other moments, I felt repelled, due to how he was).

I think LONC is right. These abusers know what women want- what normal people want. They know that physical touch, cuddles, quiet evenings on the sofa are good and ‘expected’ coupley things to do in the ‘pull’ period- getting you to trust them and feel connected. My ex was good at doing those things sometimes too. Thing is, this was always followed by abuse.

Please don’t begin to doubt yourself and to think you were maximising his faults and minimising his good qualities. More likely, his ambivalent behaviour was all part of the typical abuse cycle of honeymoon period > tension building> abuse > repeat.

In a good relationship, you would have all the good moments- and any bad moments would not be designed to make you fearful ( they would just be ordinary hiccups).

We don’t need to suffer the pain of intermittent abuse in order to earn loving moments.

The fact you feel as low as you do is physical proof of the reality of his abuse. You didn’t imagine it. It’s easy to fall into self-doubt at times.

Also, I think abusers very much rely upon keeping or getting us to that ‘childlike’ state. It gives them power. They don’t want the relationship to be the meeting of two equal adults: they want to disempower their partner, keep them limited and dependent so that they can continue with the control. My ex made me feel very childlike and treated me like a child, increasingly. He pretended it was because he was in a protective role to my family and friends, but in reality it was because he wanted monopoly over my life and he wanted to make all the important decisions.

Please do something really lovely for yourself today. 💛

[Alicenotichains]

Hello SRF,

I feel like that today as well. I woke up and felt so depressed, considered phoning him, decided that I can’t break no contact for a numbe of very logical reasons but I had to work to get myself out of the slump. I miss that warm fuzzy feeling of when I went to see him and when it was going really nicely. I wonder what he is doing and imagine him happy with someone else and not caring about me, then I feel guilty.
I read an articles on trauma bonding, intermittent reinforcement (as in nice, nice, vile, nice, vile, vile, vile, nice) and what that can do to the brain, I read about power differentials and I started to watch Myself and realise how traumatised and conditioned I have become. Then I read about ways to try and over come being conditioned and it said self care and time.
I can completely relate to how you feel and how it’s hard to talk about it to people without them shutting you down quite quickly as they think you should be over it by now.
I feel heart broken, gutted and alone.
I felt awful when I was with him and so I know there is no way back- that I would make my life hell and possibly shorten it. So I am not changing course but this hurts. This relationship has left some serious damage to my head and heart. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make all thoughts of him go away.
Even my counselling doesn’t seem to be helping much. I think it’s just time.
Sending you lots of love, PM me is you ever want a chat x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

Your replies really have really helped me these past few days, thank you very much, I’ve been thinking about what you wrote.

Recovery is strange isn’t it because today I feel almost a bit repulsed at the thought of him, I seem to go up and down. Hopefully eventually this will balance out. I think Friday and Saturday nights on the sofa are the worst for me as that’s when I used to be with him, so it brings everything up and feels really raw and terrible.

LONC I like your phrase ‘You’re feeling but you’re healing,’ sometimes I fear that I’m completely stuck in life as I had problems before I met him, he just gave me even more and almost detroyed any progress I had made. But you’re right, it’s better to accept we feel awful and feel all the pain rather than numb it and pretend we are ok.

Serenity thanks for reminding me it’s normal and healthy to want to find a loving partner, I often feel embarassed about this, maybe it’s a low self esteem thing thinking nobody good will want me. I need to work on that. That’s interesting how your ex also kept you in a childlike state, I wonder if this is common with abusers. Initially it seemed sweet and caring and safe, but then it started to feel stifling and unhealthy. Your suggestion of doing something nice for myself stayed with me all day so thank you for that, I had a lovely snooze outside with my book in the sunshine 🙂

Alice I looked up intermittent rienforcement after reading your post, I’d not heard of it before and found lots of articles on how psychopaths use it. My ex definitely used it a lot, it’s really insightful to read about. I like your phrase ‘I’m not changing course but this hurts’ – I feel exactly the same. I am past the confusion, fog and denial stage and have not wanted to contact him for a long time, I know 100% he is a dangerous psychopath and he genuinely scares the c**p out of me, but this journey sure is painful. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is a slow and painful journey but it’s the only one that leads to where we need and want to be, so we have to be brave and endure the pain, and try to savour the good moments we experience.

Today I followed my intuition and completely rearranged the lounge! I felt that his bad energy was still lurking there, and everything about the room reminded me of him, like he had only left a few minutes ago, and made me miss him terribly. I wet wiped, hoovered, rearranged the furniture, burnt essential oils, candles and a smudge stick, and then I did a big declutter of the loft and have a load of stuff to give to charity 🙂 I hope all of this will help shift things in my life, I certainly have had the best Monday I’ve had in months.

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