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My abusive partner showed me a video of myself from about a year ago, before the abuse escalated and before getting pregnant. It floored me I’ve had to come and get in bed. I can’t believe what a shell of a person I have become since then. The amount I’ve dealt with from him in such a small space of him I just can’t believe I didn’t see it. He had me so fooled and pretended to be the opposite of what he really is. I’ve been reading “psychopath free” which has been helping me recognise a lot of things. But it’s usually like I separate myself and my situation from the abuse. Sometimes the denial just can’t take it and the realisation hits me. I’m mourning my old self, my baby and the person I thought he was. And I wish I could just make it all go away, I feel violated in every way
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Hi I feel your pain, I have left not long ago have received messages which have left me heartbroken and feeling sorry for the nice guy I see in him, I cut contact and now i have spent nearly a whole week in bed crying feeling sick and anxious. I am missing the “nice” him very much and wanting to crawl back to him. I don’t even remember my old self I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel completely lost and have no sense of belonging all i am doing is driving myself insane thinking of him with someone else and how he said he’d change. I have watched him change is photo on FB through my friends account and through what’s app as he has that set to everyone.. All I am seeing is really nice attractive girls liking them and i am sitting here with him still in my head whilst his doing god knows what, but this guy less than a week ago sent me a messages saying he wants his life with me and I’m the love of his life, his life isn’t worth going on without me… xx
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Hey lovely, I’m sooo sorry you’re feeling like that. I really know I need to leave but I am so scared. You have been so brave and strong I wish so badly that I could be that brave right now. I can completely understand what you’re saying I feel like I’m not even a person without him my whole life revolves around him but at the same time it’s s**t. He’s s**t to me. The nice parts come just as fast as they go and it’s s**t AGAIN. Please keep focused on all of the bad things. One day you’ll be with someone who doesn’t abuse you and the “nice” is real and genuine and consistent. I keep telling trying to tell myself if I leave, it’s exciting that I can find myself again and I can heal and grow and be better. You don’t have to be the shell of a person anymore over a man that hurts you and could literally walk out on you whenever they please. Many abusers have other women I have read, mine included is a serial cheat. You can be with someone who’s words match up to their actions and who are as genuine as yoy. You have pure love to give, he doesn’t. That keeps me going (even though it’s probably bitter) I can move on and find genuine happiness and love, he can’t. You’ve took the hardest step, be proud of yourself and take one day at a time. Everything is objective when your trauma bonded mind is craving and screaming for him but I really hope you stick with it and I hope I can be as brave as you very soon. do you have friends or family that can help support you? You can always private message me and speak about things any time. Try and do small things each day that make you feel even a little bit happy.
Sorry if it’s all rambles
Sending you so much love xx
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I can totally relate to what you said about separating your situation from the abuse. That’s exactly how I’m feeling at the moment and I feel like it’s keeping me stuck.
It’s so hard isn’t it? Have you been keeping a journal of his behaviour? That’s what I’m doing at the moment to keep track of all the ups and downs x-
It’s so weird like you’re sat reading about abuse and you know that’s your situation to a T but I can somehow separate it?! Or I can know it deep down what’s happening but be in complete denial day to day. I have been journaling sometimes but I can’t even bring myself to read it most of the time (when I’m stuck in the denial). I feel like I’m just in a fog most days, we have been isolating because of COVID so we are stuck in the apartment 24/7 together and I feel crazy sometimes like is this even life. I keep questioning am I being over sensitive and is he really doing these things but I know he is deep down. It’s so so hard! X
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