I miss the intimacy with my ex which is messed up

[pasta]

This is going to sound really awful and I’m ashamed of myself for writing this…

I miss the sex from my abuser. I miss the passion and the excitement and the passion.

It’s messed up because I am in a happy, calm, settled relationship with someone who is kind, funny, looks after me. Who listens to what I want, is affectionate, wants to spend time with me (all the things my ex didn’t do).

But every know and then I miss the intensity and closeness from my abusive ex.

I’m at the stage where I am moving in and forwards with my lovely partner. And I am excited. But a part of me doubts that he is for me because I don’t feel that rush of passion all the time (even though I obviously am very happy with him)

Has anyone else felt similar or have any advice for me?

[Bubblegum]

Hi pasta .I totally get what your saying and to anyone else who have not been in our situation would think we’re crazy .Im not in a relationship st the moment .I did have a bit reality check recently tho .I had not seen my Ex husband months and I was missing the closeness sex etc .I think more Feeling of the excitement with these men as we know deep down we shouldn’t go there .Anyway I came face to face with recently again I felt a slight thrill excitement even but I spoke to him what he was saying etc changed man etc etc I could tell he was lieing even putting down his partner down .I thought afterwards seriously I wouldn’t want him in my life the way he is .As he could not give me the love I deserve .If your man treats you we’ll hand on to him .As your lucky to have found a good man x*x

[pasta]

You might me right about the knowing we shouldn’t go there. Well done you for knowing your ex husband was lying and staying so strong. Good for you 🙂
I do want to stay with my boyfriend and I am very grateful to him but I just have that bit of doubt sometimes that isn’t logical it’s emotional and it’s confusing.

The sex with the ex was often after we had had an argument I suppose in hindsight as a way of resolving things without him having to communicate. He also always withheld affection despite me begging for it. The sex was quite ‘robotic’ and he wasn’t really interested in my needs athough he said he was… I know it wasn’t even that great so I don’t know why I have that part of me that still yearns for it

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi pasta,

I’m so glad you posted this as I can totally relate and was just thinking about it yesterday. That sometimes I miss the sex with my ex. Not the sex at the end which was cold and clinical but the passionate sex at the beginning he used to hook me in. He was so masculine and I liked his body which was wonderful because I’d previously been in a relationship with a decent bloke who I wasn’t really attracted to. I felt like I’d finally found someone who was a good boyfriend and who I was attracted to.

It’s been over a year but last night I had a moment where I felt sad I wasn’t getting dressed up to go round to his and spend the weekend with him. I used to love going round in the early days.

I think we get addicted to the highs and lows. Plus if you’re attracted to dominant masculine men some abusers, narcs and psychopaths initially seem irresistible. I have started therapy to work out my pattern of past relationships and it’s helpful so far. Have you had any therapy for it? Also there are books and youtube channels about this stuff so look into those too. One youtube video talks about that feeling of sexual addiction to the abuser. The important thing is to let go of the shame and realise it’s all part of the abuse cycle and can be linked to your past too.

[pasta]

Thank you sunshine rainflower. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Although i am sorry that you do too if that makes sense. I too used to love getting ready to go round and have that anticipation…. Until it got cold towards the end. But I don’t know why I felt like it was great when in reality there was no eye contact and real intimacy. With my new boyfriend things are really comfortable and I can tell him anything and I don’t feel like I have to get all dressed up which is good. But I guess there isn’t that extreme excitement all the time even though I am happy with him. O definitely attracted to dominant men. I’m not sure how it could be linked to my past though. I haven’t worked that out yet. I know my current boyfriend is more like my dad than my ex was. I just feel like I am betraying my current boyfriend my feeling like this.

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