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No one has ever loved me. I’m in bed crying on my birthday because I know if I go out all I’ll see is happy loving families and knowing I don’t have anyone to love me because I’m so messed up.
Everyone keeps mentioning the violence but I don’t care about that. What I care about is that I’m alone and I wouldn’t be if I’d just done things differently -
You are not the worlds worst person at all, I am so sorry you are feeling like this today. Maybe you should remove what day it is from your post (safety) I am sending you hugs and wishing that you would feel better. xx
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Starmoon,
You are not on this earth to live up to other people’s ideas, expectations or expectations.
You are here to be true to yourself.
This means that you need to follow the path that you think will make you most happy. This will involve setting free those people who cause you damage.
Even your family or those you love might not understand your reason for doing things. Some of them will try to talk you out of it or hold you back, because of their own issues.
You aren’t unlovable. You’ve just allowed yourself ( like so many of us have here) to be swayed and pushed and controlled by others, and to be made victim to their mistreatment.
Sometimes, we need to reevaluate. Take everyone else out of the equation- friends, family, acquaintances- and put their views and opinions to one side. Focus just on us. Who are we without all these people, leaning on us and giving us their views. Sometimes, we have had such domineering and controlling people in our lives, our identity seems to have become a mush mash of others’ wants, opinions and prejudices. We’ve forgotten who we are. And because we’ve lost ourselves, we find it easier to believe others faulty opinions of us, including or mainly our abusers.
I am sure you have people who love you. I am sure many of them don’t know how to help you. They are fearful of abuse aand don’t know how to help. Maybe they try to help, and it all comes out wrong. Maybe certain people you know are the wrong people to go to- they find it hard to empathise or put themselves in others’ situations. Keep some distance from these people whilst you try to rebuild yourself. Gather support from those who truly understand abuse.
Remember how you said how these latest police told you you were a victim of coercive control? You are. Any contact with this man is poisonous. Only you can make the decision to keep away from him.
Like many of us, your abuser has confused you, taken away your sense of independence, your ability to think for yourself, to firm your own viewsBdsta d up for them, your right to enjoy the things you love a fto live in relative peace. You wont achieve any of these being anywhere near him. He is toxic.
You’re in a very emotional place at the moment due to the assault, and you are bound to feel very distressed. Take time to rest.
I don’t know how to make you believe that you aren’t responsible for his abuse. He is a grown man. You believe him when he says its your fault, but it’s not true. The day you start seeing this is the day you move towards freedom and healing, because you will realise that you deserve it.
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You are not, of course, but I really understand that feeling. I remember asking my counsellor once “how bad must I be for everyone in my life to have hurt me so much?” She said “no, how bad must they be to hurt have you?” I am keenly feeling the loss and loneliness today but I remind myself that it’s better to be safe. It doesn’t always feel that way when the loneliness is so painful though. The families out there aren’t happy and loving, lots of them are troubled and abusive. You are not alone because you are unlovable but because those around you weren’t capable of love. Now you are making space for love. Give yourself the gift of space, time, rest and lots of TLC whilst you heal. Sending hugs xx
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I wont say Happy birthday because it isnt but sending you a birthday hug. You are not the worlds worst person, we can feel that but Peaceful pig has said what I was thinking earlier that it isnt us it is the other people who treat us wrongly, I have also been hurt an awful lot but im learning its not my fault. So good your councelor said that to you PP.
We love you on here are care, your children love you , your parents love you, it must be terrible feeling so alone but better and safer to be alone than with a man who is dangerous to be with, you deserve much much better and even if you are messed up and most likley by him a good caring man would help you get better not keep making you worse, take care xxxx
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