I need an objective opinion

[Tortoiseshell]

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years. Our first baby was born (detail removed by moderator)  and since then our relationship has deteriorated. Half the time things are fine between us but the other half I am not treated kindly or with respect. My partner says that it is all down to the fact that he doesn’t get enough sleep because our baby wakes in the night. I have been back at work for the past (detail removed by moderator) and sleep has been worse since baby has been settling in to nursery and has been ill. I’ve kept a diary of all our arguments for over a year. I need someone impartial to read this and tell me if this is a normal situation, although I realise this doesn’t show the situation from his perspective. I think I want to leave but I don’t know how to leave or where to go and I don’t want to be away from my baby for half of the week (he would want 50/50 custody).

These are some of the most recent entries in the diary I’ve kept, I hope this is ok to post, I really don’t know where else to turn to.

(Removed by moderator)

[diymum@1]

okay I see three things here : one; hes behaving like a spoiled child wanting all off your attention and not wanting to share you with your newborn.

two; he thinks that the baby is mainly your responsibility and also that means keeping him/her quiet all to benefit him.

I know that we can spoil children with material things but we cant ever spoil a baby, they need closeness,a calm atmosphere etc etc crying it out hmm ive never thought hat was a good start for a new born.

I hate to say this but I think he has the attitude that hes working hes tired this is on you. Hes being pure selfish here. your at work and looking after a baby you are doing so much more than him. If he respected you he would help out he wouldn’t have an attitude towards you both. im reading daily wisdom for why does he do that? its by lundy Bancroft – it covers this very subject- it looks at parenting with abusive men. Its very very difficult to co – parent when theirs a power struggle. I don’t know if youll have time to read with a new baby but this might shed some light on whats happening here. Also whats important to remember and this may be later on down the line – watch out for him teaching your child to disrespect you also because if your child witnesses his behaviour towards you , very early on, like sponges they this ahh this is how we treat mummy. If I hadn’t gotten rid of my ex (and this is a terrible thing to have to admit) I would have been bullied by him and my two children. I don’t speak to my eldest daughter because her father smeared me as her mother. Its really important to address this situation sooner rather than later.

And three ; its a proven fact once abusive men get their feet under the table ie get married have a baby – they think that theyre now entitled to treat you this way. They actually beyond reason think that they own you and the kids are sometimes seen as an extension of themselves. Its scarey to face all of this but that my take xx

I hope you and your little one are ok

much love diymum

[Tortoiseshell]

Thank you diymum for your reply. It really worries me how he always starts arguments in front of our baby and how he is modelling this behaviour to our son. He is such a cheerful and kind natured baby, the thought of him growing up understanding that this is an acceptable way to behave towards the people you “love” is really scary. I don’t know how to leave though, the practicalities around it are so daunting and I would hate to be away from my baby for half the week. Should I be speaking to a solicitor if I’m thinking of going?

[fizzylem]

I would say there is undoubtedly a communication difficulty occurring – meaning you are not successfully communicating, not able to hear one another – you are on different pages re what needs to happen. He has said some pretty unpleasant things too; apologies, lessons and joint decisions need to be made.

It’s pretty normal for couples to feel they cant attend to their relationship in the first year, that things have changed a great deal when a baby comes along, that the baby’s needs come first; its probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest life adjustments to make.

However, after a year, when you both realise gosh we can keep this little human alive, things change again, and the reintroduction of meeting everyone’s needs can now happen, perhaps both of you feel you have put some of your needs on hold while you attend to the baby? This is typical but it can’t be sustained, neither does it need to be this way anymore, its in everyones best interests to attend to the health, well-being and needs of all family members – baby needs a healthy mum and dad.

When sleep deprivation occurs we struggle more to filter what we say, to not react, we feel irritible yes. ‘Lack of sleep is a big contributing factor here’. A good nights sleep is essential for health and well-being, sounds like you’re both exhausted – is there a way you can give one another a good nights sleep? Some recovery time? A night off? A night out? Gym time? Cycling time? Friend time? Whatever it may be each of you need in your life right now. Can you make time for one another a bit now here and there as well? Attend to your relationship? Re-connect? Cook together when baby is in bed? Watch a movie? Or even get out and do something you’d both like to do?

A sort of kick the dog thing occurs – meaning, you unintentionally kick the person closest to you – our children do this all the time, for example, my daughter lost a game on her xbox, afterwards we went for a dog walk, her attitude and behaviour towards me was disgusting and it made no sense to me at all, I was being my usual chatty, happy self, calm but annoyed, thinking where has this come from? What is this about? It wasn’t until half way round that I learnt about what had happened on the game, that her mood had been carried over into the walk. Once we talked about this she was able to see why she was feeling angry and said, Im sorry mum, I was upset with H on the game and I took it out on you, this was not right or fair.

It seems what might be happening in your situation is that you have both started to blame and kick the other out of frustration maybe – that neither of you know what is really going on here and thus what to do? Your both likely emotionally charged atm – this is normal with sleep deprivation hey. SD is so awful that the Nazis used to employ it as a form of torture!

Instead of pulling together to work out what is the way through here, what shall we try. You’re blaming one another. He’s irritible and short tempered / his behaviour has changed and he is blaming and horrid, you’re observing what is he doing? It’s his behaviour / him that needs to change / why is he blaming me here? Its him.

I would suggest talking to other parents about what’s occuring, find those that can relate, see how they got through it – avoid anyone whose baby dreamfully slept through at 3 months – you’ll only feel like swinging for them lol. Also some couple counselling might be an option, to help improve communication, work out what needs to happen and make the adjustment together.

Just my thoughts, hoping there’s something in there that will ring true for you; you will know when someone says something that helps hey, as it will make sense to you – keep speaking to others until you find all the bits that you need x

[Iwantmeback]

Okay objective opinion. Have you taken the baby to see if there’s any reason why they’re being sick? It’s been proven that even young babies pick up on bad atmospheres, so if there’s nothing wrong with him physically then its because their environment isn’t calm that’s causing then to not sleep, be sick.
Ask yourself if your oh was anything like he is now before the baby was born. They get very jealous when a baby comes into the mix, they’ve had you to themselves for so long.
If you can both sit down and talk away from the house and the baby, on neutral ground, that could be a start. It’s a huge adjustment having a baby but noone can afford to act like a child anymore. If you rule out his fear at providing for this new baby, any resentment that you’re doing everything for him(I’ll use him as generic as I don’t know which your baby is) any spare time you may have together being spent with other people. You’ll know if your being alienated. Sometimes going back to work putting the wee one into day care , they’re big upheavals. I’m in no way advocating not working. But it takes a village to raise a child not just the mum and dad. Good luck and keep posting. Also would like to add IF in any way you’re thinking somethings not right, trust your gut. But give him the benefit of the doubt this once, once you’ve spoken to each other. He has to know how all this is making you feel. Men are terrible at opening up, appearing weak. Is it any wonder there’s are so many cross wires.
Again good luck, I hope you don’t think I’ve trivialized what you’ve written. I have not meant to do so in any way. Because I’ve lived with my oh fir decades I’m afraid my immediate reaction is run fir the hills but not all situations ARE abusive. You just need to see if you can talk but if you continue to be blamed and he’s not prepared to compromise in looking after his child, then you have your answer too
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Hi there, I can recall all of the examples in your diary but my gut reaction was what I felt as above. Give this time if you feel in yourself what he’s doing just isn’t sitting right then advice from womens aid helpline would be a start. Try to find a way if you both can to get more sleep but still hostile behaviour on his part is still not acceptable tired or not. If you can read up on what your experiencing and your sitting up saying god that’s him! It’s time to get advice xx

what do you feel in your own gut?

Love diymum xx💕

[fizzylem]

Just wanted to add, that is my objective opinion re what could be occurring.

You do have a gut feeling it is wrong and it is not nice to experience (for you or baby) – meaning this needs expressing to him, this is not ok for you, and an open discussion between the two of you needs to take place and an understanding reached.

We all have an ‘at our worst’ – sleep deprivation is highly likely to reveal our worst – it depends on whether you can tolerate a person at their worst or not that determins whether you can be with him/her really doesn’t it. My gut feeling is that if sleep were restored in the house the situation would change for the better and his normal behaviour would resume? Not saying I’m right or wrong here, just my guess. He should then be able to see how badly he behaved when sleep deprived, the error in his ways, and apologise.

The point I made about blaming one another – was to high light how you are currently relating to one another – stuck – not communicating, its her / it’s him. The situation and how you relate to one another certainly needs to change doesnt it. Guess if it doesnt change or it gets worse you are at risk of abuse and are moving towards ending the relationship. A bit of outside help to change how you communicate with one another could really help, and bring you back together x

[Tortoiseshell]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I would really like to have some couples counselling as I think that this would be the only way for us to have an outsiders opinion on our situation and for him to see that the way he behaves is not normal. Unfortunately he has said in the past that he would never consider this. I’m going to raise it again this weekend and explain that for me something has to change and if it’s not counselling then it will be me moving out, at least temporarily.

I think the reason I feel like the relationship might be borderline abusive is because of the way that I have changed my own behaviour so much over the years in attempts to not aggravate him and to have a quiet life without conflict from him. For example I very rarely organise anything socially involving him because it makes him so moody, I’m not honest about how I spend my time away from him because he gets annoyed when he thinks I’m not working hard enough (eg if I see friends on my day off rather than doing chores). But then it’s only because I’m so keen to avoid any conflict that I don’t just stand up to him and tell him such responses are unreasonable like someone less weak would in my situation.

But whichever way you cut it, it just doesn’t feel like the kind and supportive relationship I hoped for.

[diymum@1]

I think you and your child deserve more xx why don’t you call the wa helpline and get there take? It won’t do any harm xx if your having to modify your behaviour that says it all to me. Always go with your gut. I really wish that someone had been there to guide me when my children were really young, they wouldn’t remember so much now. I hope the advice and my opinion is putting you in the right direction. Get some validation from Womens aid and keep us posted. Keep reading and have faith in your instincts xx we will be here to support you good or bad much love Diy mum xx

[KIP.]

Huge huge red flag that you searched out a forum for domestic abuse. Your gut is telling you something. Please listen. Don’t go to couples counselling with him. It won’t work. He will just twist everything leaving you more confused. Contact your local women’s aid and talk things through with them. They can offer help with a safe exit plan, speaking to a solicitor will also reassure you about child access etc. You say you’re not treated kindly or with respect and he blames the lack of sleep. So does he mistreat his boss? Is he unkind and disrespectful to the shop assistant or to his best friend? If it’s only you he is treating this way it means he’s perfectly capable of controlling his behaviour around others meaning he chooses to abuse you. I’m concerned because your story is just like mine. After our son was born things drastically changed and his true colours were exposed. Have you read about the cycle of abuse? Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and see if that helps make sense x

[Iwantmeback]

Please don’t do couples councelling, much of what is said will be that you will have to change, you’ll have to do this. Abusers love this type of councelling as it validates that it’s not them. I’ve read many times that the councellor to begins to’blame’ the wife which again gives the partner more ammunition. Definately speak to WA first and a solicitor. Many will talk for free the first time. You will not share parenting 50/50, that’s only in amicable splits without any abusiveness involved and to be honest even amicable splits end up being rotten and abusive.
Good luck and keep posting. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

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