31st August 2021 at 8:57 am #130781
I am out, but I am starting to have so much doubt. I miss him so much. I wrote a pro & con list. Maybe some other peoples perspective will help
• We were best friends & had the same interests and did fun things together.
• We got on so well
• He made me happy and feel loved and safe
• I could count on him always being there, always loving me.
• Drinking & Smoking **** problem
• Didn’t have any money & taking all my money – never thanking me or showing appreciation, or even acknowledging it
• Ridiculing, blaming me for everything
• I didn’t have much say, wasn’t listened to, his way was the right way. (or he suggested breaking up)
• He made me anxious, I couldn’t say what I wanted
• His driving would scare me sometimes
• I couldn’t say no to him
• Leaving me alone every night in the (detail removed by moderator)
• Making us move to places I didn’t want to
• Leaving all household jobs to me
• Not looking after the animals well
31st August 2021 at 9:03 am #130783
• When I was ill not being that great at looking after me
31st August 2021 at 10:04 am #130785Grey RockParticipant
I think the cognitive dissonance is working some tricks on you. Yes, there are always moments that are good. Just enough bait to keep us hooked, but with a truly loving and caring partner or friend this can be relied on. We can enjoy it without wondering when (not if, but when) it will come crashing down.
It might be worth reading up on the cycle of abuse. I know that one of the things that held me back from escaping was that hope that the man I fell in love with would somehow reemerge. But that person didn’t exist. It was an unsustainable act.
In the beginning me mirrored me, declaring us soulmates, professed undying love, said he’d always protect me and keep me safe. His actions grew increasingly different from his words. His actions were not loving or considerate. They were condescending, often cruel and accusing. He made all the decisions. If I did something that he didn’t want or like (even if it was for work or due to illness or family responsibility) I would be emotional punished with long angry silences and more insults and accusations. Yet still I hoped that I could love him well again, back to the man I fell head over heels in love with. Alcohol made him worse and when he declared his intention to go back to the bottle and told me to leave in a drunken rage I took my opportunity even though I had nowhere to go. I listened to my gut that day instead of my head and I’m so grateful for that moment of clarity. I know that he can never go back to being that person, not for more than the odd day (when he’s done or said something terrible and thought I might leave, or when he wanted something).
I’m not saying that your man is the same as my ex, just urging you to look again at the Pro list and think if these are past or fleeting pros, because if he was a truly loving friend and partner he wouldn’t be doing all those things on the cons list. But only you can decide what you want to do.
I hope that I haven’t spoken too strongly.
Sending prayers for peace and clarity your way.
31st August 2021 at 11:10 am #130787Wants To HelpParticipant
Glad to see you are out of your abusive relationship. It is perfectly normal that you are missing him because he is someone who has been in your life and someone that YOU had hopes and dreams with.
I can see from your list of pros and cons that the cons outweigh the pros by far… so that is already a clear sign to you that you are better off out.
Your points 3 and 4 in your list of Pros? Hmmm, I can’t seem to see any evidence of these in your list of Cons. Where in your list of cons would you feel happy, loved and safe? Were you really happy, felt loved and safe when you were (detail removed by moderator), when he drove in a manner to scare you? Would you have felt safe saying ‘no’ to him, or is that why you didn’t say ‘no’ to him?
You are in the Flight stages heading towards Recovery, and you are in the very delicate area of teetering on the edge of Flight back towards Realisation, Acceptance and Denial. As Grey Rock mentions, your Cognitive Dissonance of what you want to believe you had is struggling with the reality of what you actually had. We all so desperately wanted these men to love us like we loved them that we kid ourselves in to believing that deep down they do. I mean, what is NOT to love about us when we know we are so good for them and we could be great together if only they’d be great towards us?!
You will go through a living bereavement now and you will be mourning the loss of the man you wanted him to be, not the man that he is.
When you say he loved you… did he cherish you, value you, listen to your ideas, get excited with you and for you when you wanted to take up something new, did he nurture you ambition and want you to succeed in things? Or did he rubbish your ideas and dreams, try and put a stop to them, tell you they were silly, that you weren’t capable of such things. Did he try and promote your spiritual growth or stunt it?
The Flight stage is the one where he will now do everything he can to try and win you back and ‘become’ the man you want him to be, but beware this is all an act. You know the man that he is, you’ve lived with him for long enough. He is not a magician. He will not become someone else overnight, or in the space of a week. He is who he is. You are who you are. How much effort would it take you to behave like him for the rest of your life? How much would it take to change the fundamental person that you are in to something else? If you really wanted to it would take a real determination and a lot of help groups and years of self learning to become the complete opposite of what you are. This is what we are asking of these abusive types of men. It is a virtually impossible task to change these behaviours.
I have been in Recovery for well over a (detail removed by moderator), perhaps nearer two. Notice it is called Recovery, not Recovered. I am still learning and open to learning and I am still in regular contact with some of the people who were a part of my Recovery process. I still learn from them and they still help me. Only this week I was recommended a book by one of them and I have purchased it and have started it.
The book is called The Book Of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu. I have read many of the books recommended on here, and I can honestly say this one is worth reading too.
Stay strong, stay in your reality as it is now and be brutally honest with yourself. Staying out of the relationship can be harder than going back to it; moving forward you are facing the unknown and what a life will be like without him, going back you know what you’re in for. Achieving good things for ourselves isn’t always easy, but it is worth the hard work, effort and determination to get there.
Good luck, keep those eyes open 🙂
31st August 2021 at 1:14 pm #130789nbumblebeeParticipant
@eyesopening Im not going to be much help but your comments keep me going keep me here keep me strong so I wanted to give you something back. Those of you who have left are incredable and show so much strength and bravery hold onto that.
My guess is that you are feeling lonley and still scared youve left but gosh how hard that must be I cant imagine but look at you. Look at this new SAFE exciting life you now have. YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING NOW YOU ARE FREE. Just how b****y amazing is that? Yes its new yes its scarey but isnt it also good feeling free? Everyone tells me that abusive people dont change cant change wont change no matter what so dont go back, go foward be proud and be amazing xxxxx
31st August 2021 at 1:50 pm #130792nbumblebeeParticipant
@eyesopening sorry i wanted to say one more thing.
This weekend i have been ignored shouted at told im haggered useless he even told me he wanted to punch me in the face. I saw hate and anger in his face when he accused me of having affairs all because i said no to sex. He has picked on everything ive said and done. And this has been a good weekend. This morning i gave in and said yes just so I could have a break maybe have my nice husband back for a bit. Pathetic.
Now im not telling you this to make this post about me I dont know your story what he was like but Im guessing there are similar things.
I wanted you to remember really see what it was like b4 you got out b4 you were free.
Stay strong stay safe big hugs xx
31st August 2021 at 3:06 pm #130795
Thank you all, gosh it’s a bad day, they come and go. I really need so much confirmation that I did the right thing. It’s like I cannot trust my emotions or myself right now.
I needed that honesty today thank you x*x
31st August 2021 at 4:16 pm #130797ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Eyesopening, btw I just sent you a PM.
When I read your post, it read like the pros and cons were from different relationships. I know the nature of abuse is that there are periods that feel good and like you’re soul mates, but they’re not separate from the abuse. They happen against the backdrop of abuse. They’re what our abuser wants us to focus on and they’re what our terrified minds want to see in a desperate attempt to make us feel safe in a situation that we believe we’re trapped in. I think pretty much every con you listed contradicts every pro, but in case it’s useful to see some examples you could say:
• We were best friends & had the same interests and did fun things together. But he ridiculed you and blamed you for everything. This doesn’t sound like the actions of a best friend.
• We got on so well. But he didn’t listen to you and he didn’t let you have a say. I would guess you got on well when it suited him and he wanted you to think you got on so well so that you’d think you were soul mates.
• He made me happy and feel loved and safe. But he made you anxious and you couldn’t say no to him. That doesn’t sound like happiness, love or safety to me. At best he made you feel happy, loved and safe when it suited him.
• I could count on him always being there, always loving me. But he made you move to places you didn’t want to, he didn’t look after you at your most vulnerable (i.e. when you were ill), he threatened to leave you if he didn’t get his way. I think the only thing you could count on was that he would be there for you and appear to be loving when it suited him, and that the abuse would always return.
Trusting your feelings is so hard when you’ve had years of someone actively working to make you not trust them. All this doubt is the hangover of his power over you. You are doing the right thing, I promise you. Sending love xxxx
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