I need help with a relationship

[Cosmo]

Hello!
So I feel a bit silly doing this, I registered about a month or so ago after a very horrific argument with my partner. At the time I thought no doubt I am a victim of emotional and mental abuse. A day passed and I never looked into it again. I am aware of my situation, but I seem to be unable to do anything about it and I really need help.

I have been with my partner (detail removed by moderator) years, I met him (detail removed by moderator) after a tough year and caught on to little things such as him telling me that my friends have been saying low key snide things about me or told him they are attracted to him. These are my friends and I’ve always thought ‘ok maybe it was the drink that drove them to say those things’. Then came the fits of rage or cold demeanour when I asked it was ok to go out with my friends without him(the cold attitude first then the fits of rage if I chose to go out), I was not allowed to go out with others even though he went out quite frequently which resulted in deciding to bypass social events all together or sneak around like I was breaking some sort of law.

I now work full time and he lives with me searching for jobs but I have really come to realise after one thing after another that he is manipulative and abusive in an emotional way. The lastest thing being I’m not allowed to add any male work collegues on Facebook or be friends with males at all (I was aware of the latter having to cut off 60% of my friends just for being male). I have tried to leave but I’m too weak, I’ve only touched on a few things because I feel like what I’m going through is nothing compared to what is posted on here and my heart breaks for this effected by abuse, but I am calling out to anyone who can help me, I have 0 confidence and I feel I’m never going to leave this person but I’m so so unhappy and need the advice of others… I realise what I’ve touched upon isn’t as much a classic case of emotional abuse and may come across as ‘just some woman crying wolf’ but I’m just so tired and alone in it all and even if it seems that way I still need help and would really really appreciate any advice or pep talks others can provide. Much love

[Flowerchild]

Cosmo, he is a controlling parasite, isn’t he? What do you have left that is completely your own?

Not your time – he prevents you spending that as you like. Not your home – he’s in it more hours than you are. Not your money – you’re clearly supporting him. Not your friends – he’s vetting them. Not even your lovely job because you can’t be friends with half your colleagues there. Not your privacy – he’s clearly monitoring your social phone. Not your freedom of conscience because you’re forced to conceal activities from him in order to do what you want to.

Yet you’re lucky. Yes, you’re lucky. Because you’re employed and independent. Because your home is in your name. Because you aren’t married to this man and legally tied in. Because you don’t have children with him and aren’t pregnant by him. (Please be careful – it’s a classic trap!)

It’s easier now than it ever will be again to break with him. It will only get harder. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will grow.

Do you and he talk about this relationship and where it’s headed at all? Does he have parents of his own to go to or have you stepped into that parenting role? Has he ever lived alone, earned his own living and paid his own gas bills or has he just slid gracelessly from home to halls to your place without adulting at all?

If it’s safe to, why not tell him he’s stalled in his life plan and you’re concerned he’s become too dependent on you? You could tell him you need a break from being responsible for his upkeep and suggest it’s time he makes his own arrangements and gives you a call when he has a job and a place of his own and you might go on a date with him then?

If that doesn’t feel safe, you might need professional help to remove him from your home – that would be the police, darling.

Remember, you are not his parent and he is not a helpless infant. Being with you is just postponing his launch into adult life. You are not obliged to find him a job or an alternative place to live. He didn’t do those things for you, did he?

When he goes, darling, make sure he takes all his belongings – and none of your – with him.

Flower x

[Iwantmeback]

Oh my love, I can just feel your pain and confusion. Don’t minimise his behaviour or the abuse he is doing . My heart is literally breaking fir you, how it’s okay for him to go out, yet how his behaviour has stopped you having a social life. I want to Scream from the rooftops at the double standards he’s dishing out. I’m no longer on social media because of all the sarcastic caustic comments he’d make if a guy made a comment on my site, the multitude of questions about how I know them etc etc. I’ve actually unfriended him, and he’s yet to comment🤣🤣
Have you journalled his behaviour, what he’s said, dates, times, your replies, friends replies if you’ve asked them. This is not the time to be embarrassed, you are fighting for your sanity and quite possibly your life. He’s subtle for now, what happens when he’s no longer?
In my first marriage I always asked if it was okay for me to go out, that was just because it was how I was brought up. My oh has said to me all along, you dont need to ask my permission, what you do when I’m not around is nothing to do with me. What I don’t know, won’t hurt me. Now on reflection, why on earth would someone who says he loves me, say something so horrible. I’ve since learned it’s part of abuse called push/pull. He’d drop me off, pick me up. In the beginning you’re like, that’s so sweet, he really cares about me, then it was I’ll phone you when I’m leaving, be ready. If I was 5 minutes late I’d get shouted out, accused of taking too long saying goodbye to my boyfriend! Then I’d have to wait outside for him in order to be there when he arrived, so he wasn’t kept waiting. I’d be constantly clock watching. I’ve convinced myself over the years that I’m really a home body and was just waiting for it to be an acceptable length of time staying out, where in reality I didn’t want to be out too late to give him a reason to start accusing me of being unfaithful. He’d ask to smell my pants when I got in, most times, he’d want sex before I went out.
I’ve had the spent treatment for days because I dared to go out. Now he’s telling me to go out, it’s not natural to stay in all the time, but I have NO friends in which to go out with. If we were going out together he’d always start an arguement or be really difficult before going so when we arrived I’d be all uptight and he’d be like nothing had happened. Now we don’t even go out, he starts the arguements then turns it round on me and that I’ve to tell whoever we let down it is my fault we didn’t go. So going out together is horrendous, I’m waiting for the arguements so don’t start getting ready until last minute, I never am organised with my hair or makeup or what I’m wearing so look as if I don’t want to be there anyway. It’s crazy making behaviour which gets worse and worse and harder to decipher.
He’s also financially abusing you(while he’s looking so very hard to find a job), dies he do anything around the house while you’re at work, dies he cook for you coming home? Watch out he’s not ‘getting depressed’ this is a way of excusing his behaviour, please don’t fall for his lies and manipulation. You’re not weak, Cosmo, not in the slightest💛it’s utterly exhausting living with verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Have you contacted anyone at WA yet or even spoken to your doctor. Having his behaviour logged with a professional(which he’ll never suspect you’ll do), will help you in the long run. It’s not that you’re needing anti depressants, you’re just wanting affirmation that his behaviour is abuse. You’ll leave when yours ready and not before. One day enough will be enough. Until then keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge is power as they say.
Take care, best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

Hello , I feel the need to reply as I don’t want to read and pass by and I’d only do that because I’m still in my situation and have felt I can’t offer any advice. But… I really need to respond to you because I can hear your pain and sadness and confusion . We have all I’m sure looked at others posts and thought gosh that’s so awful but everything is awful when our partner or close one is choosing to hurt us… from what I can read from
Your post he is a very controlling manipulative being. At the beginning of my relationship I was faced with “ they said this” they said that etc … when that couldn’t work with family he I nowvsee what he’s done… he’s done it so they don’t like him! What I’m trying to get across is that please don’t minimise what you are feeling … you deserve so much better…
And all of the lovely ladies on here will have so much good advice on leaving and safely so .. I am sending hugs to you.. xx

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, I’m glad you posted. Sounds like you need to remove this person from your life. I see no ‘partnering’ going on here. You’re carrying him. Believe me he will only get heavier and heavier,
Even if he worked, the extreme jealousy would be red flag enough to be honest. I had to stop talking about work at all because my manager was a man for a while, and there were a couple of men on my team too, so it was impossible to mention anything that happened there without getting loads of nasty, sarcastic comments.
Also, the fact that you have to ask if it is ok to go out…..In an equal relationship you’d be able to say without fear that you’re going out with friends/colleagues.
Be careful now that you’ve woken up to what he is. Sending you support to work through it all.

[Cosmo]

Hello,
I’m so overwhelmed with how nice everyone has been and so supportive! I’ve told my friends what he’s like previously and they’ve all begged me to get out and I took for granted their advice and never took it even when my partner and I weren’t living together.
I have an issue upsetting people, just in general so a part of me wished he’d break it off with me. I had a strong moment (detail removed by moderator) ago when he threatened to send his friends after me if (detail removed by moderator) it drove me to break up with him as I couldn’t have someone like him around my friends; it’s one thing us arguing and him saying stuff it’s another threatening my friends. Stupidly I got back with him, at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do after he came begging for me to take him back.

Now, I don’t know how to get him out, he’s moved a long way to live with me I can’t just kick him out (he reminds me often that’s what his ex did to him, made me wonder if she went through the same thing), he’d have no where to go, I’d have to wait for him to leave to visit his parents but then I have the issue of not telling him face to face which, even after what he’s put me through, no one deserves to be broken up with over the phone etc. And then I have the issue of how do I bring it up?! Do I wait for our next argument? Start one? Would it be easier that way or should I just come out with it? Flowerchild, I have previously told him I could not support him or the house on my own, I originally worried I can’t afford the house without him but have come to realise he’s contributed nothing to it, and no unfortunately all he does is sit and play Xbox games while I’m at work, I do all the cleaning.

No one should have to be in a relationship they don’t want to be in, I’m still young, I am independant but I am flawed in the way I have no idea how to break it off with someone so manipulative as he. I fear I will fall into the same trap I do everytime.

[LozzyX]

Hi Cosmo
So glad you are wising up to his manipulation, and that you have good friends who can see what he’s doing to you and will be there to help you – trust your gut and trust your friends…

You will find the strength to leave soon I am sure of it… You sound like you are almost there.

You do not need to wait for another bad thing to happen to give you a reason to leave. The relationship is suffocating you and making you miserable so this is more than enough reason to leave, with you head held high.

Please read up on the cycle of abuse and also living. With the dominator… Knowledge like this really is power.

I wish you all the best xx

[LozzyX]

Also you are not flawed for not knowing how to break up with someone… Just means you care .. also sounds like your trapped in FOG – fear, obligation and guilt … They use these tactics and it keeps us trapped but you have to fight these thoughts … It’s just mind games.

If the flat is YOUR tenancy I’m pretty sure he has no rights to remain there but do call Rights for Women just to be sure . And if he is threatening you at all CA the police – stop putting his needs first, he is just leaching off you and abusing you how dare he threaten you

You can and will be free xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi again, I think you should approach WA and ask them how to plan a safe exit plan. In a normal relationship it’s okay to tell someone face to face it’s not working, it’s not adviseable in an abusive one. The fact you’re afraid to say it tells you all you need to know. I’m terrified to tell my husband I want a divorce, terrified of how he’ll react, that’s not normal.
It really isn’t as easy as leaving or getting him to go. Look up trauma bonding that explains the dynamics a lot easier. He is choosing to be abusive and lazy and manipulative, you have done NOTHING to instigate this behaviour. I hope you get him out of your life soon. We mistake trauma bonding fir love, once we’re no longer emotionally attached, the mental attachment slowly lessens too but it takes time. Once the scales fall from your eyes, you’ll see just how abusive he really is and you’ll withdraw from him, find fault, get ratty with him, and that’s when his behaviour will start to change too. Look up the cycle of abuse journal his behaviour. Best wishes Cosmo

IWMB 💕💕

[Cosmo]

Hello,

I feel I should reply to this thread even though its been dormant for so long. I just want to say thank you, to everyone in this thread and the others I have posted around that time.

I finally escaped the control just before (detail removed by moderator), I gave up my flat as I was in quite a lot of debt due to supporting two people with only one quite low income. I met someone at work who helped me through the process as they were going through something similar. They even sat outside in their car while i broke it off with my ex, just in case I needed help, they are now very much a big part of my life and I consider them one of my best friends. Since then, I have managed to develop friendships and open up to my family about the mental and emotional abuse my now ex put me through and are supporting me the best they can. I have also reached out to Mind to help with my mental health and on the waiting list for therapy. I owe it all to you x

This year has been a very tough one, for reasons I do not need to explain, but thanks to you amazing people on this forum I am much safer. I hope you are all keeping safe and to those who commented saying they were still going through their own situations I just want you to know you can get through it, and I hope you are keeping safe.

Much love to you all x

[Hetty]

I’m so glad you got out. I too have posted on here for a long time off and on and have just finally found my way out. To those still stuck, keep planning and thinking through options. I never thought I’d get away. I’m in the very early stages of rebuilding my life. It’s not going to be easy but after what I’ve endured over many years nothing can be worse.
X

[Lisa]

Hi Cosmo and Hetty,

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for the updates! It’s so lovely to hear that you’re both out and safe now.

All the best,

Lisa

[Dolly2019]

HI Cosmo,

I couldn’t read this and not comment. So much of what you have said is *exactly* what my ex did to me. Living off me, not working, accusing, controlling friends, being nasty about male colleagues / friends / female friends all fancied him, etc etc. It becomes such that you are, in essence, being held hostage in your own home. The manipulation is breathtaking.

What I can advise is this. No normal man, or human, behaves like this unless there are very serious underlying emotional and mental health issues at play. Let that sink in. You are NOT dealing with a normal, rational adult. Normal, rational adults cannot relate to what they do. They act, in effect, without conscience. The double standards and games are part of that.

This means, no amount of trying to reason with him or expect kinder, better or more rational behaviour will work. He is not emotionally or psychologically capable of better. Let that sink in.

The other thing I can advise, is that the abuse will get worse. I know, it happened to me. It started out the way you described and then sooner or later, the abuse becomes physical. They work to inure you to the treatment so that, bit by bit, it gets worse and like the frog being boiled alive, you don’t notice it until it is too late.

Please, ditch the pity and GET OUT NOW. Please. This sounds cruel and like I am being hard, but this man deserves no pity from you. Not one bit. Why? Because they DON’T LOVE. They do not love. Let that sink in. It hurts to see it, to know it, to feel it. Love is not abusive, exploitative or unkind. It isn’t. Love does not show up as what they do. Control is not love. It never will be.

They get a thrill from the control they have, from feeling they have another human under their thumb. It is ALL about them. It is not about you, it never was, never will be.

You have your life and wellbeing to play for here. Make it your priority because, really, is he making you or your feelings his priority?

Please, get out now. Join Women’s Aid and work to become the strongest you can possibly be so that you don’t fall prey – yes, prey – to people like this again. It is hard, but you absolutely can do it.

Lots of love and strength to you X

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