I need helping knowing how to get out

[Lostgirlgames]

My husband first started being physical after he pushed me and threw his (detail removed by Moderator) at me. I told him if he did it again I would leave. He is a gamer addict so there were some months where I was feeling very lonely in a new city where I didn’t know anyone. I was very vulnerable. I met someone at work and kissed him a few times. Days after we had hung out I told my husband. Of course, he got angry. He threw his (detail removed by Moderator) at my chest (I lost my hearing and couldn’t lift my arm for a week). I turned to leave but he physically forced me to stay. He said he wanted to talk so we talked for hours. I then HAD and should’ve left but I couldn’t because I betrayed him. It was so stupid of me because he now has something against me. Physical stuff didn’t stop there.. shoved me, punched things, threw things, broke my phone, etc. He is very manipulative (and mentally and emotionally abusive) and I have a hard time expressing myself so it makes things hard.
I really want to leave. SO SO BAD. But I don’t have my visa situation up to date yet and we’re in a honeymoon stage so I have no good reason to leave. Especially since I betrayed him! I made things so much worse for myself. I have no good reason against all of his. And I’m scared if I just leave that things could get really bad. We talked about having a separation break at one point so it could go well… but that was before I betrayed him. I don’t know if I should wait until I get my visa, then wait until he does something physical to make a smoother and easier escape?
Part of me knows he doesn’t want to lose me but he’s also a (detail removed by Moderator), psychopath and uses (detail removed by Moderator) as a punching bag so I’m absolutely terrified. He hasn’t been working either so I don’t have a good time to pack my bags and leave without telling him.
Sorry this is so long but I would really love some advice, I don’t know how to do this and I don’t want to make a bad decision.

[Lisa]

Dear Lostgirlgames,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. You have explained serious abuse, and regardless of the stage in your relationship that is a completely valid reason to leave. No one should have to suffer abuse. You should also not have to wait until he does something physical or worse, that is putting yourself at risk.
There is help available regarding your visa status, and help for women who have no recourse to public funds. That should also not be a reason to have to stay and put yourself in danger.

It would be best for you to get some one to one support, so I suggest contacting your local domestic abuse service to ask for help. You can find if there is a local service in your area by clicking on the following link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

There is also support available from our Live Chat service. You can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence (open every day). They can talk to you about how to leave safely, and talk to you about whether it would be possible for you to go to a Women’s refuge, which is a safe house for women fleeing domestic abuse.
You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

There is also information about making a safety plan to leave in the Survivor’s Handbook here.

You can also find a lot of useful information regarding immigration law on the Rights of Women’s website here.
You could click on ‘Domestic Violence Rule’ to see if it could apply to you.
If you need some help understanding this you could try calling The Right’s of Women Immigration and Asylum Law Line on 020 7490 7689
(Mondays 10am – 1pm & 2pm to 5pm, Thursdays 10am – 1pm & 2pm to 5pm).

I appreciate this is a lot of information, so I would suggest that your starting point could be contacting your local domestic abuse service for support.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Lostgirlgames]

Lisa,
Thank you for all the help. The first link does not apply to me but I will do my best to find something that applies to me. I was going to ask how I should leave safely (I am planning now not even to tell him) since he does not work, but I will check out the link.

[Lisa]

Hi Lostgirlgames,

You are right to make your plans privately and do not tell him. If you can leave when he is not around then that’s the safest thing to do. Have a read through the link, it explains a lot about how to prepare, what to take etc.
Do ask if you have any questions. Take it a step at a time and try to access local support if you can,

Keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lostgirlgames

just wanted to post to send you lots of luck and support for your plans. Do keep posting and asking any other questions you have, other women here have been through your situation so you are not alone in the decisions you are juggling right now.

Just because you made a mistake, and then came clean about it, is not reason for someone to abuse you. Its not an excuse for them to hurt you physically emotionally phsycologically, or any form of hurt.

Someone who is capable of inflicting this kind of pain on you is punishing you, and is capable of serious harms, this is them showing you who they are. They can also show you a nice side, but they are still capable of very dangerous acts against anyone, and therefore always a high risk.

Prioritise your own safety and welfare.

warmest wishes

ts

[Wants To Help]

Hi lostgirlgames,

You may not be able to say too much here due to identifying factors, but is your husband complying with the process to get your visa established? I assume that at the moment you may be on a visa that has ‘no recourse for public funding’ but this does not mean you have to remain in a violent relationship. If your visa does not allow you to receive any benefits in your own right at this time then I understand you are likely to be financially trapped at the moment but there is help you can access. Many abusive husbands do not co-operate with the visa process as they know this means their wives are dependant on them and are unable to leave them as they fear being deported.

If domestic violence (and it has to be violence, not emotional) can be proven then there is a way of obtaining a visa to remain in the UK in your own right if you want to. However, this is quite a complex and lengthy matter and you would need professional advice. Have a Google and see if there is a local Migrant Centre near where you live. The one near me offers free legal advice once a week but it has to be by appointment only so these are often booked out in advance. Some immigration lawyers give their time pro bono to advise regarding the visa process for domestic abuse victims.

Just because you are currently in the ‘honeymoon’ stage does not mean you can’t leave him, but I do get it is harder for us to justify our actions of leaving when they are being nice to us. Then again, if everything is going smoothly at the moment this might be the safest time for you to leave if you can because he won’t be expecting it. Trying to leave him when things get bad again will just make him more alert that you want to leave and he’ll do more stuff to stop you leaving. The other difficulty will be where do you go because you would have to pay your way. Refuge is not free, and if you are unable to claim any benefits due to your visa status then this traps you too.

Regardless of your visa status you can report the violence to the police. Did you seek medical help and get the injury documented anywhere to support your evidence? Do you have photos of any injuries? If you can support your allegations with photos and medical attention this will help a lot. Your husband does sound very violent and (detail removed by moderator) the police may well put in safe guarding measures to protect you and get him out of the home.

xx

[Lostgirlgames]

The problem is that I don’t have any visa. And if deported is just people taking you back to your country than I dream of being deported but I’m pretty sure there is a fine to be paid so I’d have to avoid that. I sent a photo of my injury but it was on an app where I can’t get the photos back once sent. So the only proof I have is written. He has (detail removed by moderator) at the moment so he’s gone pretty much all day.
M’y plan was originally to get my visa finished and then leave the country but since he is gone all day it’s the perfect time to leave.. I’m just so scared! Why am I hesitating to leave? I wish someone would come and force me to leave to make it easier but this is really all on me. I just don’t understand why I can’t just pack and leave ? I’ve already pre-packed to make sure I know what I’m taking and what I’m leaving.. I’m just so scared and hesitating for some reason. It makes me so frustrated with myself. I don’t know how to get myself to leave:(

[Author]

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