I need to be told

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi I am shaking atm writing this as things are going’s back again. I think the cycle is beginning again. I can’t reply to anyone I’m piping in here when I get a moment which isn’t often.

What I’m wondering is this, has anybody been told and seriously told by someone to leave when it’s subtle emotional abuse?

I can’t see me ever leaving unless it’s to go to a psychiatric hospital or something. My mental health is suffering but everyone seems to say he needs help or that’s just how things are or they don’t really listen. I feel I need to be told, firmly.

It helps in here and I’m posting when I can but he’s around constantly atm.

I’m seeing the rep from WA again soon. But I just can’t seem to believe truly that it is what it is, will I ever?

Is this part of the process, my heads so scrambled it’s been emotional already with him today.

[KIP.]

I don’t think anyone can actually tell you to leave. That has to be your decision. But if it makes you feel better, I’m telling you to leave. Leave safely run for the hills, run fast and never look back. If it was that easy then no woman would still be with an abusive man. It’s all head working and manipulation. What helped me was educating myself on the dynamics. Reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Reading about trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance. I had professionals telling me he was causing my mental health, telling me he was dangerous, yet I continued to defend him until something just clicked and I realised I wasn’t going to make it if I stayed. That I had to just take that leap of faith and trust in what everyone was telling me (Womens Aid, family, Doctor). I closed my eyes and I leapt. I ran and I’m now running free…….. and it feels great x

[White Rose]

The type or severity of abuse doesn’t really matter what matters is what you are feeling.
Is you heart and brain telling you to go? If so listen. The fact you’re asking makes me think you know you want to but it’s that old enemy fear of the unknown that “what if I’ve made a mistake” feeling that’s holding you back.
Trust your gut instinct and go xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there i so know what you are going through. I’m not bombarded with beatings, my abuse is mainly covert but something will usually set him off and it’s like ww3. He rants and raves about nothing important enough to cause such an adverse reaction, it’s always someone else’s fault and I’m so tired of it all. You will reach your enough is enough day and you’ll still doubt you’re doing the right thing. I’m at this stage now and what I’m getting is how upset he is, how depressed he is, I’m making him feel this way, exactly like his ex did. He’s refusing to go somewhere next week, it’s totally disrespectful and he’s letting me down so badly. It’s all about him. Why should he go and be a hypocrite when he hates everyone there!!! How he’ll not be able to control himself and end up battering my son who he’s threatened to do this since he was a young teenager. A decade or so later and he’s still saying it but with more venom. He’s been given an excuse not to go in his head, i know the arrangements for what he’s to do can be rearranged, but he’s trying to say there’s a lot of money involved and so and so will lose it. Under the circumstances where he’s going can be rearranged at no loss, but it justifies in his head as to why he won’t be there, so he thinks everything in the garden is rosy again. Wrong, it’s far from rosy. I’m catching myself feeling sorry for him but it’s only to get me not to leave, he knows we’re done, hanging on by the skin of our teeth. If i dont go after what he said at the weekend he’ll know he can do and say anything in future and i won’t do a thing about it. Yes I’ll be upset, cry but i won’t really do anything. So i have to break this cycle, it’s happening too often now, every 3/4 days at the least, a week at most. Abd it’s ALWAYS my fault, I’m the one itching for a fight!!
And the enormity of it is so scary but you and I and every other women on here knows it’s only prolonging the inevitable. That plaster has to come off, tearing at it a wee bit at a time hurts like hell, one rip and it’s done. That rip is when we walk away or get him put out.
If it helps I’m telling you, pack a bag of your essentials, some personal things. jewellery. Take copies of any joint debts and run. Once we realise they don’t have the power to hurt us and we are stronger than they realise, the game is really over.
Speak to a WA worker, let them organise a step by step plan, I promise once you start to take control of this situation, you’ll feel free, well more free than you have been. It’s fear of the unknown that keeps us with an abusive man. Fear is something we’re born with, it’s part of who we are as human beings. It takes courage to face our fears.
Wishing you all the courage in the world, cos at this moment in time I’m literally sick with fear but know I’m the only one who can stop this, unless by the grace of God he dies and that’s not going to happen.
IWMB 💕💕

[Shaz]

Hi chocolatebunnie

I totally understand this. I didnt really suffer physical violence and so this is why I found it hard. I spoke to friends and family, and they all said its your choice, no one else can tell you to go. Its true, unfortunately. You will reach a point when you cant take any more, no matter how subtle the abuse is. In my case there were some really small things, comments, reactions etc and I wondered how I could leave after ‘smaller’ things like that. But for me it was the accumulative effect of 100s of things that eventually had broke me down physically and emotionally. My whole body ached, I couldnt sleep, my head was aching, i couldnt concentrate, I was crying practically all the time, I was suffering anxiety attacks. So I really felt I couldnt get much worse. I knew I had to act. But it was still hard, despite all that. Its always going to be hard. But its important to remember that you and your kids matter more than what he thinks or how he will react when you leave.
Keep posting here, the ladies have really helper me when I questioned if I was doing the right thing

Xx

[Shaz]

Also, when I noticed that things just go around in circles and that they will never change I started focusing on my needs, which i had neglected for a long time x

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