17th April 2016 at 10:15 am #14163
My resolve has gone. All this time to think, analyzing everything we did and said. How miserable I must have made him. How wrong I got it. I can’t cope
17th April 2016 at 10:31 am #14164
You are doing really well to have got this far. His ‘silence’ in not contacting you is deafening. This is your normal pattern between him and you. Now you are trying to break that pattern by not contacting him. There is a saying ‘if we keep doing what we always do, we will get what we always get’ in order words, nothing changes, if nothing changes. You are trying to change by not ‘reacting’ which is you contacting him.
I found it helpful to get a calendar and mark on it the days away from him. You have got to day 1 (or is it 2?). This is the hardest part believe me, the start of ‘No Contact.’ It will get easier. These feelings will pass. When I was where you are in my first few days of No Contact I just had to feel them, I just had to sit with my feelings of ‘craving him.’ It is soooo hard, I know. But so worth it, peace of mind, clarity await you if you don’t give into your cravings (to contact him).
However, unfortunately if you manage to not contact him, you have not heard the end of him. If his tactic of ignoring you doesn’t work he will switch to another tactic. He will contact you and that’s (interminably) and that’s where you will need the resolve not to respond. But cross that bridge when you come to it.
Just for today, don’t contact him. Write ‘day 2’ on your calendar and give/buy yourself a treat at the end of the day. Just for today take it ONE HOUR AT A TIME. Just try not contacting him for the next hour until 11.30am, then the next hour etc.
This too will pass. These difficult feelings will pass. Remember if you contact him you’re not going to feel any better, you’re just going to have to deal with another set of horrible feelings. There’s no way out for today of feeling the horrible feelings. Just feel them and get on with your day, even though you don’t feel like it. Carry out the actions anyway.
17th April 2016 at 10:57 am #14167
I caved in. I posted on his Facebook of all places he’d posted pictures of the children and how much he misses them… I shamefully posted a comment saying (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve deleted the comment. It was on there lass than 7 minutes. I doubt he even saw it but it was still a relaps
17th April 2016 at 11:19 am #14168betterdaysParticipant
Hi starmoon I’ve been no contact 12 days and it’s best thing ever!!! U can think straight everything. Longest I went were 2 weeks I caved in and by God I were that low I nearly drove my car into a wall he must of been laughing. I’ll never do it again I’m in the driving seat now please don’t contact him take control now. X
17th April 2016 at 11:32 am #14172
It’s too late after that post. I don’t even use fb anymore- I hadn’t been on there for over (detail removed by Moderator) months- that’s mainly because of him. But looking at his posts I feel stupid. Saying he missed his kids when he wouldn’t have them when I was in hospital. And then posts from weeks ago talking about the events he was planning on going to yet he was at home begging me to stand by his side and support him in his choice not to go to them because of the drugs involved in them. I feel so stupid
17th April 2016 at 12:18 pm #14183
Sad isn’t it. I’m the same
17th April 2016 at 4:18 pm #14229
Hi Starmoon and Healthyarchive,
The only reason I’m positive and focussed is because I’m out a few years. I haven’t lived with my abuser for a few years. The only way he can abuse me post separation is financially (we still own joint assets) and by affecting in a negative way my children’s world.
I was where you are now and man-pain is excruciatingly painful. I know that longing to just see them even if it is a crumb of attention instead of the slice of cake which we deserve.
I know that longing for a man who is attractive and we have some sort of chemistry with, but they are emotionally unavailable for a relationship, as abusers are. I know the wanting what I can’t have as regards a particular man. I know the ‘if only’s’. If only the situation was different instead of the reality of the way it is, ‘an abusive cycle relationship’ instead of a ‘normal loving relationship’. I too find it very hard to ‘let go and move on’ from a man I’m attracted to, who is giving me a few crumbs of his attention and time (to keep me hooked). I find it very hard to move onto ‘the next best thing’. I find it very hard when I had plan A in mind (the unavailable man) to move unto plan B , having a relationship with an emotionally available and normal loving man (not that easy to find I admit-and there’s the chance one may never come across our path).
As regards to the abuser contacting you if you persist in not initiating contact. It depends. They will do the opposite to what you want, is a good rule of thumb. So if (as in my case) the abuser knows you just want rid of them, you don’t want any contact (in my case due to fear he instilled in me) then the abuser will try every angle to make contact. Mine did, via children, family members, husbands of friends, email, text messages, third parties etc, etc). I had to resist each attempt until eventually (after a long time, he moved unto his next victim-our daughter unfortunately).
However if the abuser knows ‘your longing for him’ is greater than your fear of him and you crave contact and can’t stand the rejection. He will reject you. He will discard you. He will not contact you. Because he knows this will hurt you the most. Whatever of his actions, contact or no contact will hurt you and bring you down the most is the tactic he will employ. In both your cases its no contact from him is the most painful and that’s why he does that.
17th April 2016 at 5:24 pm #14239
So true… In the past when he was violent and on other occasions I’ve let him leave with no fight and I haven’t begged… Not because i haven’t wanted to or that I wouldn’t eventually anyway. On those occasions I when I held my own for a little longer he ‘always’ came back. This time I instantly sat in front of the door begging him not to go. Not only that but I constantly called and emailed.
Of course now I’m in two minds. I desperately want him to come here like he did before but only in the deluded idea I could make him see his mistakes… I’ve been reading a book called ‘the verbally abusive relationship’ and to date it’s the only thing that’s even remotely given me something to relate to recently. And dare I say it- making sense at last!
17th April 2016 at 5:24 pm #14240
It’s putting me in two minds… Whilst I still want him- it’s almost making me believe I never really had him… Not in the sense he had me
17th April 2016 at 5:47 pm #14249SerenityParticipant
It was an imbalance of power.
Healthy relationships exist on a balance of power. X
17th April 2016 at 6:24 pm #14258
No I would not contact him if your ex contacts you. Contact is fuel for the fire. The no. 1 step out of the 12 steps in any 12 step program for addictions is 1. We are Powerless over people, places and things.
In other words you are powerless over your ex and his choices on how he chooses to live his own life. Reasoning, explaining, advising do not work and are just a waste of your precious time and energy. Far better to put that time and energy into you. Tweeze your eyebrows, paint your toe-nails, declutter your closet. Focus on you and your life and forget him. Let him sort out his own life. You take care of your own business (paperwork, finances etc) and let him mind his own business.
By the way I need to do this myself as well. I want to ‘sort’ out and advise my children on their choices in life but I need to not interfere and let them make their own choices (and mistakes) and put my time, energy and attention onto me and my life.
17th April 2016 at 7:48 pm #14274SerenityParticipant
Lover of No Contact,
You are always so wise.
I haven’t asked after you for a while: how are you?
17th April 2016 at 8:41 pm #14288
I’m good Serenity. I’m Trying not to let my ‘abuser/psychopath/sociopath/n********t’ upset me with his financial with-holding and cessation of financial support in regards to my daughter, I’ve written about it in a post yesterday.
And trying to maintain my boundaries with a lot of the ‘bully’ personalities I work with is challenging and affects my emotions.
Thank goodness for this Forum, I would not be as wise or as strong without it.
17th April 2016 at 11:58 pm #14326
17th April 2016 at 10:05 pm #14309
Healthyarchive pm me if you can- I can’t work out how to do it x
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