25th February 2016 at 11:05 am #10411AnonymousInactive
Ive been on here intermittently, mainly because i am in massive denial about the state of my marriage. I don’t want to believe that he is abusive, i want to go back to before i had the lightbulb moment and before i spoke to my family and friends about what he is like. I can’t though can i?
Feeling like this is exhausting, I don’t know whether I am coming or going and i have got to the point where i am constantly thinking that everything he is doing is manipulative – which in turn makes me feel like it is me that has the issue and not him.
How do you get out of this mindset? I used to be so caring and loving, now i am more indifferent or at least have to make an effort to be more caring – whereas before it was just natural.
25th February 2016 at 11:52 am #10417Confused123Participant
They tire us out emotionally till we get to point we cant even think for ourselves, but its good your body is warnignu things r wrong, wheni got to low point in end i just call support agencies and just cried, i followed that peristance my mind was telling me this was wrong and i had to find a way out even if was stuck for (detail removed by moderator) decades, get guidance from d v support agencies, u can google them up,meet up with a support worker and just tell her the scenario,sometimes we need to tell someone and hear them tell ud it s wrong, they willhelp u make an escape plan, u not alone hun, we will support u so much on here and guide u as much as we can
25th February 2016 at 11:58 am #10419godschildParticipant
Hi, I have also been in denial about the abuse but have had the ligthbulb momenet, I keep feeling that im being drawn back into it all but I think once we see it all for what it is we just can’t but mine is nicer for a few hours and I feel drawn back in and I have to keep reminding myself and writing down what he has done for many many years.
I don’t think think you are just thinking that everything he is doing is maniplulative it most likey is, I am the same atm, , I think we become ultra sensitive once we see the truth and some maipulation can be veyr very subtle by the abuser.
I think you just have to work through it all, I feel dreadful because since the last round of abuse, I have cut off many people who have not been caring to me when I have given them a lot of care and support in many ways, i feel ive changed as I was very very caring even to my abuser, but I have come to the end with everything and we need to care for ourselves, riding out the feelings after you see the truth is tiring and very very hard and painful, so give yourself time, do you have a support worker from womens Aid , I have mine by phone due ot disabilities but she helps me to clarify the reality of what is going on and is so so understanding of it all. like you im struggling with how I feel so don’t feel bad about not being as caring, its a result of of the shock and realisation of what has happedned to us in my opinion.
I never told hardley anyone either, my grown up childern knew as they lived with it but they chose to cut me off re it all now as well, but we shoudnt cover up but so many people do not understand the dynamics of the abuse and the effects it has on us especially i it ha been more emotional and verbal than out right physical. some peole even family can make it worse when they don’t understamnd, has yours ben physical or emotunal and has it been along time, we can get used to it all and see it as normal and excuse them over and over, its a cycle and hard to break xx
25th February 2016 at 1:13 pm #10430WanderingCloudParticipant
Its quite traumatic to actually realise they re abusive. You think you are in a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be okay only to realise no, it isn’t a dream. You need to take your time, build your mental strength up. When you read the posts on here, you will have so many lightbulb moments in relating to some of the methods abusers use, the control and how you are so subtly made to feel it is all in your head. The fog will keep gradually lifting, it will be painful but it does place you in a better position. You can start taking back control of your feelings and this will help you decide where you want to be in life. I went through lots of emotions. Sadness, guilt (this is a big one), embarrassment, bitterness but I am starting to be kinder to myself and the blame I once thought was all mine is now going.
Keep posting and reading here, everyone is very supportive. xx
25th February 2016 at 1:23 pm #10433newlife2015Participant
Once the denial lifts it is so scary as you know in your heart of hearts that you are going to have to confront the situation – like you I noticed that everything he did was emotionally abusive in one way or another once I realised what was happening – I had just been blind to it for so long and buried my head in the sand – I knew things were not ‘quite right’ but I hadn’t realised how bad things had become despite bruises, broken tvs, car windscreens etc – it was only when I saw a counsellor that I realised that I was in an abusive relationship but you can get the help and support you need – please take advice from Womans Aid and you you will find that the more you talk to them and read up (in secret when you can) the more strength you will gain to help you into action – there is no rush – do it in your own time but don’t let him know what you are up to (if that’s possible?). Good luck and keep posting – you are not alone although I am sure you feel like that most days xxxx
25th February 2016 at 10:16 pm #10473AnonymousInactive
I can’t thank you all enough, for the support and the words of encouragement.
I have had a chat with my mum tonight and i have also been in touch with my local outreach centre. They have been amazing and have said that i can contact them by email until i am strong enough to talk on the phone. Just that one thing, of not being pushed to do something before i am ready, has made me feel that maybe i can do this.
The naive part of me has had a wobble (when i wrote this post initially) and i just wanted to back track over everything and pretend it never happened. Its such a shock to my system to realise what i have put up with over the years and how much i have changed as a person. I want the old me back, i know its a long journey ahead, but i want to be me.
I have this fear of hurting him, which is frankly ridiculous after all he has done to me, but he must know that as he likes to tell me that i don’t love him, and make him pull that heartbroken face. More manipulation!
Can hear his car on the drive, big hugs again to you all,
27th February 2016 at 12:00 pm #10574AyannaParticipant
I was in denial for a few years. I was not even aware that I suffered from domestic abuse. It all felt so wrong. I felt so undermined, was in constant pain from what he did to me. It still took a few years. And then nobody helped me. Until today I have no help.
You need to be strong. Get out. If you are alone so be it. No woman should suffer abuse. This government refuses to acknowledge the scale of domestic abuse and persistently cuts all services and for this reason you might be with no or very little support. Still get out.
Things will fall into place for you. x*x
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