I need to get out but have nowhere to go :(

[miss-sunshine]

Hello I am new here and have only just admitted to myself that I have been putting up with phycological abuse and it is now effecting my physicals and mental health
I have been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years. for the first year we were the perfect couple. then the cracks began to appear. He started to become very attached and really depressed if I had to do something without him or even go to work.
He has recently been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) which now, looking back, explains all the outbursts or rage, crazy arguments and completely insane thinking and obsessing coming from him. Over the years if things don’t go exactly how he wanted or he’s not getting enough affection from me then he will go into fits of rage and start lashing out at objects around the house. He’s never hit me (he dragged me down to the floor once but i don’t know if that counts) but it doesn’t stop me from shaking with fear and curling up into a ball in fits of tears more times than i can count.

Our lives are totally intertwined as we (detail removed by Moderator) together and i invested everything in him and in us as a team.
but I have no strength left to keep putting up with his mental breakdowns that happen frequently on a cycle and never end until he has managed to scream all his anger at me until i am completely broken and fall to my knees screaming myself, which I hate to do, I am not a screamer. once hes made me scream he turns it around and says ‘look how angry and horrible you are, i think it might be you with the problem’

I am completely exhausted and now that he has his new diagnosis he is using it as an excuse to go insane when ever he wants. He says he is ill, doesn’t mean what he says, and i must stay because he is trying to get better, but he never does.
After his outbursts he pretends all is fine and our life is good and theirs’s nothing to worry about and our future is bright.
But inside i am broken, lost and traumatized. I get so confused in these times that it leaves my head so mangled that i give up on the idea of leaving.

I know I need to leave now, i’m starting to realize that i’m being abused. I want to get emergency housing but i feel like the council will think im lying or not abused enough to get any support.

He tells me id be wasting everyones time as other people are way worse off than me. What can I do? How can I start the ball rolling for a better peaceful life? I’m so confused and exhausted i don’t even know where to begin 🙁

I’ve read a few posts on here and you all sound so supportive. I’m just so tired and I need someone to point me in the right direction of where to start. I have applied to my local council for emergency housing but i Havent herd back.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Miss-sunshine,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting. It takes a lot of courage to come to the realisation of what’s happening and post, but this will be your first step of putting the wheels in motion for your new life.
We need to get you shining again as your user name suggests … Miss Sunshine!
What you are experiencing is abuse. You wrote, (he dragged me down to the floor once but I don’t know if that counts)… YES this counts!
Whatever you are feeling is valid. No one should be treating you like this.
Well done for contacting the council, this could take sometime. However it is great that you have taken action and made a positive step.
Use this time now to start investing in yourself love. This will build up your confidence and give you the strength when you do leave to stay strong.
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life for this
Start to do some research around the cycle of abuse and how abusers behaviour, you will soon realise the tactics he has been using, and keep posting and connected to the forum. The lovely ladies on here will give you some great information, tips and advice.
If you feel you are in immediate danger please call women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline or the police in an emergency… don’t underestimate what you are feeling.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[soxy]

Hey Miss sunshine – welcome to the forum and for being brave to post. It takes a lot of courage and you are going through a lot of different emotions. But what you are experiencing is abuse and well done for reaching out to the Council. I would definitely recommend that you speak to someone at Women’s Aid or the domestic abuse helpline. When I contacted I put in a request for a call, you can say when it will be safe for you to speak and I was called exactly when I said. It was amazing. When I requested the call I felt like a complete fraud, but after speaking to the lovely lady I realised I wasn’t at all (although I still struggle with that). The lady was so kind, listened to me and very gently helped me to see some of the behaviours that I had missed. They can give you numbers/point you in the direction you need. I’ve also seen that you can contact your GP, so maybe they might be a good one as well. Especially if you feel stuck with nowhere to go.

Keep coming here as well and reading the posts, because it will help you to see that it isn’t you. It takes time but you will get there. My partner has mental health problems and something that has helped me is to stop making excuses for his behaviour. Although that has taken me a couple of decades to realise! Sending you strength and courage x

[miss-sunshine]

Thank you both for your messages. It really helps me to read these posts and see that I am not along. I feel totally alone and (removed by moderator) I went to far. My partner was trying to shout his point across at me as always, I begged him to just stop talking and let me calm down, but he never stops and all he ever says are things that make him the victim. I had to physically kick him out. I’ve completely cracked this time and now I don’t know if I am the abuser. please help.

He left the house (removed by moderator) then came back and began shouting out his point again. I just couldn’t bare it any more and I started hitting him to try to make him stop. But it doesn’t work, he just goes on and on and seems to like it when I totally loose my head because he can make out that i’m the crazy one.

I know it’s a terrible thing to hit someone but I feel totally cornered like I have no chose, This morning I just can t get my head around any of it. It’s been going on for so long that I don’t even know anymore if i’ve turned into the abuser myself. He is feeling all sorry for himself today and I am a complete wreck and so scared about what to do.

I’ve been looking for rooms to rent but he keeps looking up my history on my laptop and deleting all my accounts when i try to contact people. Im stuck, Im desperately sad and now I can say I am a physical abuser myself. How do you see through the fog when they push you to total insanity and all you can do is swing your arms around to no avail to try to physically get them away from you. How do I stay calm when he says the most thoughtless and hurtful things relentlessly without even the slightest thought for what I might need or feel. I can’t beleive it has come to this. how did my beautiful relationship turn so bad?

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