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I could really do with some advice today.
In some ways things are a lot better at the moment – I am feeling stronger and finding support. But I’m not ready to confront him yet.
He goes in cycles. At the moment he is being happy family man (though I can see the start of him changing again). We are both around tomorrow and he wants to do something together… I’ve managed to avoid spending time just with him for ages. I really don’t want to – but I don’t have any excuse.
He was horrible over Christmas and I can’t get over it this time. His current “good behaviour” isn’t working like it used to. He’s noticing that I’m ‘different’ too – and he’s obviously a bit thrown by it. I’m really struggling to be around him – but I think I need to pretend a bit longer.
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I pretended like you.
My partner was a monster at Christmas. Every time I’d say “a little longer” until the day he threatened to beat me.
In some ways I’m glad that happened as I would have stayed without that wake up call.
It’s good that they good times are no longer working. It means you are slowly seeing it as part of the cycle of abuse.
Keep strong,start planning your escape anyway, in case things escalate.
You are so brave. I look back now and wonder how I coped for so long
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I remember the days when I was terrified to be alone with him. Even trapped in a car driving anywhere. I didn’t recognise it as abuse for many many years and it destroyed my mental health. I used to dread my son going out. I used to get very anxious and I though it was anxiety about my son going out when in fact it was because I was going to be left alone with my ex which is when the abuse took place. At least you know it’s domestic abuse. I used to think it was all my fault x there is never a good time, my advice would be don’t wait any longer, don’t put it off any longer, get out safely as soon as possible. These men have a sixth sense and if he finds out you’re planning to leave I fear formyour safety, never underestimate them x
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Brewsandshoes, I can really relate to your post.
I also keep pretending – but know it’s not right, it’s not what I want. It’s just easier to pretend and get on with it sometimes than face up to it.
It’s good that you are starting to become more aware of these ‘cycles’.Be careful though as I have not been acting myself since I started to become more aware of it and he has definitely started to pick up on it and is accusing me of all sorts.
Like janedoeissad said, call the helpline. I spoke to them this week about my options and the lady was so helpful and understanding. Good luck with everything and take care x
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Reading all your lovely responses makes me feel like crying – in a good way. This has all actually been going on for years – I was looking back at emails I sent to my friend today – and the same things happen over and over again. But I haven’t cried for a long time. I think I’be shut all my feelings down so I could keep going.
JaneDoe, I don’t feel brave. I feel stupid that it’s taken so long to get here, and that I’ve spent so long thinking I could fix things (and moaning to friends without doing anything). I understand now that when you are being subjected to emotional abuse it stops you seeing things properly, but I still feel stupid. I suppose it’s easy for us all to criticise ourselves for what we’ve done or not done In the past KIP but the fact we’re on here means we’re doing well now.
I appreciate all the advice. I will play Happy Wife tomorrow – have done so plenty of times before! You’re right I shouldn’t confront him. And I have an appointment to speak to the local women’s group next week, so I can hold on to that.
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Well I did it. It was OK. One of those days where they are normal and you doubt yourself.
Suppose I’m lucky in that his abusive periods aren’t that frequent, maybe every month… So even though there have been loads of things that have happened over the years, we go through quite long periods where it’s outwardly OK.
And I’ve realised that I don’t cry. I haven’t for years. I feel completely numb – and that feels wrong. But I think I’ve had to shut down in order to cope.
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Hi Brewsamdshoes,
So glad everything went ok for your outing. I know exactly what you mean. I’m in the same boat. I felt so stupid that I hadn’t realised it was abuse for decades. Even though there were a couple of physical episodes earlier on, they were years apart and involved large amounts of alcohol and him denying everything saying I’d imagined it. After it was mostly nonviolent abuse which I missed since he always blamed me. Yep, I know how you feel. But we are supposed to be able to trust our husband. They aren’t supposed to abuse us. That’s their choice. They also refuse to take any responsibility for their behaviour- also their choice. They also chose to lie to us and manipulate and coerce us. They are also experts and working us ragged, confusing and distracting us from what they are doing. These men are selfish, devious, callous liars who enjoy torturing kind, honest, gentle, loving women like us. We have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. We were loving, caring, loyal wives. We’re just so used to taking the blame for their hateful behaviour that we’re still doing it. I’m counting down the days until I leave. Don’t tell him or confront him. It’s far safer to leave quietly as soon as you’re ready and have your plan in place. Women’s aid will help you make a safe plan, give you support and advice, numbers to contact etc. Good luck with your journey
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