- This topic has 22 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by
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Im sorry to post again I really am but I have got to let it out.
He has been fowl again after a calm week the nastiness has begun again. He told me that our marriage is over as he hates me working he hates me loving my work apparently its not fair and I should be at home for him.
So he said we were over. We have hardly spoken since.
Today is (detail removed by moderator) he has had to work he is fowl and I am trying so hard to give him a nice day but nothing I do or say helps he is angry sad nasty moody making out how nobody cares when everyone has actually made an effort apart from him. I wanna scream i wanna hit my head against a wall and shout at myself run b****y run get the f**k out he doesnt love you he really doesnt. This atmosphere isnt good Im struggling with self harm with eating with sleeping with pain anxiety mainly beacuse of him but yet I cant leave I cant. Im frozen here trying to creep round him being nice and loving cause its (detail removed by moderator) and i feel full of guilt but I hate him at times I actually hate him. Im so so angry I just dont know what to do anymore is this really all worth it? Should i just stop give in to him stop working stop trying to have a life? Its just so so hard every day is a fight every b****y day. Ive had enough. -
Nbumblebee this is so nasty of him when you are trying so hard to be nice.
You know if you give into this it will be something else next.
Are you in touch with local services as I’m not sure if you’ve done this yet, maybe consider it, just to talk to someone who will just listen, no pressure but understand how you are living and how it feels. I’m doing just this and I’m not yet ready to separate not sure if I will but it has really helped me move forward.
Keep posting big hug to you xx
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Nbumblebee,
It is 100% him, not you.
Like Chocolatebunnie said, if you give in and stop work, there will be something else next.
Work was the only thing that kept me sane.
If he really believed the marriage was over, he would do something about it.
He wants to control you and he is threatening you with the marriage to make you do what he wants.
I feel for you, I truly do.
It only gets worse, not better.
I didn’t think I could end it either, my relationship was a similar amount of years to yours.
I did it though, and you can too if that is what you want.
You can do anything you put your mind to.
Big hugs 🫂
X*x -
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Hello nbumblebee
I hope you are aware that this is exactly why he’s treating you this way, because he’s knows its kills you, he knows everyone will then tiptoe around him and feel scared. Thats why he is behaving this way, this is his way of gaining back control of everyone by being abusive like this it gets the result he wants, everyone worrying about him and how he feels, the focus is back on him.
He’s doing it because he can see there is some loss of power/control on his part of you all. Yes, he hates that you actually enjoy something in your life, because that threatens him, because he is so very feeble and can’t stand you to be happy, you are only ‘allowed’ to be happy being with him. If you are happy somewhere else, that takes attention from him and he can see that you are becoming stronger.
Your reaction is totally normal to this highly abnormal treatment.
Its healthy to want to scream, shout, feel angry, frustrated..go do it, physically get out your anger and release it, somewhere safe. Sit in the car and scream, pummel cushions, whatever comes to mind. Its a healthy reaction to his behaviour/abuse.
Direct your anger away from you. Direct it externally, and not on yourself. Externalising your anger is your release and way out of the thoughts of self-harm. Go mad at something. Anything, just not you, because this is not your fault, but his.
warmest wishes
ts-
Thank you as always hope you are ok sweetie I really do.
Im trying to keep busy trying not to be alone so I dont allow the anger to turn on myself.
I just feel frozen.
We did go out and it was so false the atmosphere was horrible he must have felt it too it really feels like the end but yet now he is all needy and wanting hugs I just cant cope with the constant mood swings the he wants out he wants love its just too much somedays x*x -
What is b***dy amazing is that you are screaming out about it, its fantastic that you are posting about it, venting it, releasing it, these things are super healthy ways to manage under his continual abuses. The more he abuses the more you need to scream, shout, rant. Please don’t ever feel you need to apologise for venting here, this is a safe space for you to do that, just as much as it is to deal with all the other aspects of living in and after abuse.
You are welcome to shout all you want, vent everything you need. Do go pummel some cushions real hard to combat the built up adrenaline that’s so bad for your body and mind. Go get the endorphins, the release and the calm. Anything highly physical will combat the toxic hormones.
warmest wishes
ts
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He is flexing his control nbumblebee… he is making threats to keep you where he wants you… what steps has he taken to end the marriage, I mean.. has he gone to a solictor and if he did go to a solictor what’s his grounds for leaving… ‘my wife is working and I forbid her yet she continues as it makes HER happy… nope.. he is talking s**t to keep you in this anxiety filled state. I am so sad for you as the anxiety he causes you is making you ill… if you left work .. then he would manufacture another problem which he will blame you for.
No matter how nice, how calm, pleasing you are towards him it won’t make any difference as his moods/stone walling are all tactics he has used for years to get his own way or to cause you stress.He will get worse nbumblebee… Reading your post you sound like you are in freeze mode to his attack… freeze, fight, flight … I used to go into flight and leave the house lots for my ex to calm down… it was exhausting but that was one of my ways to stop the emotional and verbal vitriol my ex spewed out.
He doesn’t like anything or anyone impacting you or your life which he isn’t in control of…that’s not going to change….
Big hugs nbumblebee ❤️ HFH
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Hi nbumblebee, I remember being where you are. Can’t see an end to it and that you will ever leave and be out of the misery. Yet many on here have done just that after being in very long term relationships. Keep coming here to vent/share whatever, it’s exactly the right place with the right people who understand you and what you’re experiencing.
His aim is to control and keep you off kilter and especially not give you room to consider a life without him. You working is throwing a spanner in that. Work gives you freedom to be financially independent, to meet new people and confidence in yourself and your capabilities. From what you’re posting, you’re doing well at it. That’s why he doesn’t want you to do it and is fixated on getting you to stop But. Don’t give it up!!!
You post a lot apologising for posting, I think because you feel you’re not moving on (apologies if I’m wrong) but you still need to let it all out. Thats exactly what we’re here for ❤️. Keep it up! Everyone moves at their own pace and there’s no right or wrong.
an exercise for you could be to think what it is that’s keeping you there as you sound really unhappy never mind mentioning abuse. Lots of people leave just because they’re not happy and that’s it. Is it Finances? fear of being alone or coping? family? humiliation of people finding out your being abused? It could be all those reasons or something else. But when I started to think like that, it sort of unconsciously was the starting of an exit plan (which took a long time to see through)although I didn’t realise that at the time.
When I was where are you now, my secret happy place was dreaming about how my life could be if I was free. It might sound ridiculous but after an ‘incident’ or just a horrible day at his expense when I was feeling really low, I’d go on rightmove and see what I could afford to rent for a home, and then look at how I could furnish it cheap from eBay and later Facebook. I’d use benefits websites to see how much financial support I could get and do budgets in my head to see how I could get by living really frugally. I did this for a very long time just as part of my dream but it turned out to be very useful when the moment came and I had to go. (And for anyone doing this remember to clear you’re search history of the sites).
You talk about snapping or can’t take anymore, there was a really good thread on here a long time ago about ‘the red line’ and what’s yours. We all have different reasons for leaving just as we have different reasons for staying.
I’ve written an epic response to your post but it’s just your story and what you’re living now really resonates with me. I just wanted to give you some hope when you feel hopeless. Your day will come. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx
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Im not sure what to say thank you doesnt seem enough. I always feel so guilty when i post i always think how so so many others have it so much worse and deserve time and support so much more than I do I just winge and moan and cant seem to help myself no matter hiw many times i ask for help how many times i moan im still here still unhappy still fighting for small things that others seem to be allowed to have even now i wanna watch something on tv hes watching his so i move into another room amd he comes in moaning about how now im woeking i wanna live seperate lives weve been together all weekend i just wanna sut and watch tv but all he does is complain moan he wont leave me alone if i try and go to bed without him b4 him im obviously having an affair!!! Small things again im moaning sorry.
I was supposed to be thanking you for your kind words i do really apprecaite the advice.
I love the idea of your secret dream I must admit i do like to day dream about me in a little flat peaceful but it also makes me sad as I doubt it will ever happen.
Still dreaming is good i guess. Thank you again so so much xxxxxxxx
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This is what my ex started doing, as others said it’s said to hurt you and make you do what he wants, but then at some point I started saying ‘yes it’s over’ but still staying together. Eventually I said it’s over and it stuck.x
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It does! But that’s his game, keeps you on your toes & second guessing, then we’re almost grateful for the nice moments (even though they’re not that nice they’re just not vile) recognising it helps. I did the same as Lifebegins, I started looking on Rightmove, at benefits calculators etc, just to give your brain that glimmer of something else might be possible.
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@nbumblebee, as others here have said, if you give in to him on this, things may be ok for a while, but then he will find something else to berate you for. Little by little you will give up all the things you love until your life is solely focused around him…. and you know what, it still won’t be enough.
I can relate to being in freeze mode. Sometimes it’s easier to just give in rather than have yet another row, but you will end up hating yourself for it. No matter how much we give, they will always take more and more. Even when there’s nothing left.
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Hi @nbumblebee just a little note, as you know I struggle to post much on here but I gave up my work to ‘help’ him in his business, believing it would make things better, he wouldn’t be angry when I was at work and he needed help but it’s ended up worse, so much worse. At the time I didn’t even think there was anything wrong in our relationship, only that I didn’t do enough to help but my situation now is that I have no respite from it. I don’t have days off, my time is never my own, it’s just control. So please, don’t give up you’ve worked so hard to get where you are x
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Im so sorry to hear this and appreciate your replie so much.
We used to work together i also run his business with him but my health has stopped me from doing alot of the physical work so i took on other work. Like ive said he hates it and is more nasty than ever. He just wants me at home. Its the constant arguing nastiness i cant even talk about my work im not allowed its just all too hard.
I hope you find a way sweetie i really do. Stay safe xxxxxx
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