I often think I’m the abusive one

[Pea2020]

Over the years, I have often wondered if I’m abusive.

My husband once opened the passenger car door wide open, whilst I was driving at 60mph.
He wouldn’t shut it, and I ended up hitting him hard on the arm, to get him to shut it.

(detail removed by Moderator) I am ashamed to say that I threatened to thump him, because he kept telling (detail removed by Moderator) to shut up when she was wailing about something. It made me angry that he wouldn’t stop saying it to her. He looked really upset when I said it. I couldn’t stop apologising and he was weirdly understanding and told me it was because of my childhood that I had reacted like that to him.

I also told him to eff off before, because he was berating me for never being ready on time, in front of my (detail removed by Moderator).
I feel like I’m making excuses for my behaviour, the way he does sometimes.

[Camel]

Hi Pea

Behaviour can be described as abusive if it follows a pattern and is persistent. In isolation, there’s nothing abusive about shouting, swearing or slamming doors.

Was I abusive when I pretend-slapped my ex on the back of the head because he only booked luggage for himself on a flight? Was I abusive when I screamed at him to ‘shut the f*ck up’ when he kept going on and on? I would say not. Yet he brought both incidents up as examples of my equally bad behaviour.

It’s funny that we can both think of specific events. I think it shows they were extreme and out of character.

[Hawthorn]

This dynamic is so common in abusive relationships it has its own term; reactive abuse. The abuser goads and baits the victim until they lash out to make it stop. You are reacting to the abuse, you are not the abuser. The abuser then uses this reaction to twist the shame and blame onto you yet again, perhaps blaming a mental health or anger problem, gaslighting the victim yet again into a false reality and absolving the abuser from any responsibility.

Reactive abuse also enables abusers to claim “we were as bad as each other” or give them something to bring up when you try to discuss how their behaviour has affected you.

Mutual abuse is incredibly rare and the dynamics of power and control that exist within domestic violence mean that it is almost always an abuser/ victim dynamic, not mutually abusive.

[Hawthorn]

Hope that made sense, there’s articles online that will explain it much better than I did

[Pea2020]

Thank you so much, what you’ve said makes perfect sense. When you are wrapped up in the emotion of it all, it is hard to see things clearly.

If he has definitely goaded me throughout the years. I swear sometimes I’ve seen a smirk on his face when I’ve lost it.

[Hetty]

Just think – if your child came home from
school for lashing out at another child, then you discover that they’d been systematically bullied over a long period of time. Would you tell your child they were a bully? Would you scold them for finally snapping or would you think that they’d reach a point where they couldn’t take it anymore. I expect that you’d feel concern for your child and understand that they had responded when pushed to their limits.
Your responses to abuse are normal in a very abnormal situation. It’s a crazy making situation. I was hyper vigilant all of the time and completely fed up. I once went off on one when I was cooking in the kitchen when he was verbally abusing me. I shouted and swore in front of the kids. I’m not proud of it but I couldn’t take anymore. Something snapped.
These men will turn the tables to gaslight. They goad and when we react they call us crazy, abusive. Over the years I’d try to have adult conversations about the abuse. Much to my horror and surprise he’d use my words against me. He’d say I was cold and distant. Well yes I was, because I was protecting myself. He’d say I was negative and dragging him down. Well yes I was utterly miserable and searching for a way out. For me, what kept me in reality was that my ex has no friends, people would say “don’t know how you put up with him” in a joking way. He’d have drama at work. I on the other hand work in a job where I am respected, I have lovely friends.
Take this as evidence that he is destroying your mental health. Ask yourself what kind of life do you want for yourself and your children. I was so stressed I’d shout at my child, constantly nagging him to be quiet and keep the house clean. Things that didn’t matter to me. When I lived alone with my child we had the normal mess of a normal family life. I was happy and calm. Sure I had my moments, as every parent does. My pint is my ex was turning me into someone so far from my true self I felt unsettled constantly.
Don’t berate yourself. Use the energy to plan getting away x

[Pea2020]

What you have said makes so much sense.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that

Some of the things you mentioned have really struck me, because I think my husband has done the same to me; he would goad me. Keep going on and on until I screamed at him. Also recently, he told me that he used to go on at me and nag me etc because it’s hard being with me sometimes. I’m cold and distant and he wanted a reaction out of me or something. He said it was hard to talk to me and connect to me.

But I’m cold and distant because I’m Protecting myself, like you were.
Never knowing if he was going to listen to me properly or just tell me what I was saying was boring etc.
Also, I spent a long time trying to connect with him on an emotional level and he was having none of it. I was raped not long before I entered into a relationship with him and he was very unsupportive when I was in emotional distress.

It’s only this year that he has been more supportive about it, many years later. He’s now decided he wants to open up to me about himself more. But apparently it’s hard because I’m “cold and distant”.
I wasn’t at the beginning! He made me that way with him. I connect well with others outside of our relationship. He doesn’t.

So yes, I think he’s using my words against me too, in a roundabout way.

[Hetty]

Yes I’ve heard all of that. I want to open up to you, I want to support you. What I found was that he wanted to open up to a) make me think we had some kind of special bond (part of love bombing) and b) to make me feel sorry for him and excuse his behaviour. My ex had the most horrific childhood, there’s no doubt but me and my kid are not going to take the c**p for that for the rest of our lives. We were emotional punchbags. I knew I needed to stop the trauma from being passed to my child (not my exes child). I only hope I’ve done enough now I’ve seen the light.
Sometimes it’s all just a little too late. My ex went to therapy, started meds but nothing changed. His abusive behaviour is ingrained. He can’t/won’t change because he can’t give up his power and control. I made the choice, no more. Ask yourself, does the supportive behaviour (which is the norm in a healthy relationship) have to come at a cost of being abused? Coming round to your distress and trauma years and years ago is hardly a loving and supportive. Often they do that to keep us hooked. My ex threw plenty at me and I always got “look what I’ve done for you”, “see how I’ve changed for you”. Maybe he did make some small improvements but I was bitterly unhappy and the abuse never stopped, it got worse x

[Hawthorn]

I remember that horror of having my experience of his abuse turned around on me. It first happened years ago. He had raped me and I had completely blocked it out, he had behaved so normally and been so nice afterwards I had convinced myself it wasnt rape. But I completely shut down, developed anxiety and insomnia. I now recognize the anxiety was completely justified fear. I was afraid of the predator I shared my bed with.

And he verbally attacked me. I was cold and distant, never showed him any affection, was so selfish especially given all he did for me and he was on eggshells around me not knowing when I was going to blow up at him. He projected all his behaviours onto me. And I was young and naive and had no idea what was being done to me and I believed him. That I was the problem. That if I could change enough then everything would be ok.

All those statements became a broken record but the shock of hearing it that first time broke something in me. I lost grip of reality in our relationship. He took over my thoughts. And he saw that. That’s why it was his favourite record to play.

[Hetty]

I’m so sorry to read what you went through. Sharing a bed with a predator is such a powerful way to describe the danger yet somehow we go about our lives as if everything is ok and that there is something wrong with us. I used to jump at the slightest sound in the house or if he walked into a room. I couldn’t help it, it was a natural response and that would enrage her too abs he’d go off on one. The projection was horrendous. He’d even liken me to his abusive mother who I can categorically say I’m nothing like. I knew it was rubbish but was powerless to stop the hurt he was inflicting. I contemplated suicide very seriously on two occasions in the relationship yet all the while working in a related field. None of my colleagues knew.

[Pea2020]

I’m so sorry that happened to you.
My husband apologised to me after the first time he raped me and was so normal after, that I also told myself it wasn’t rape. It was a misunderstanding of some kind, where an apology made it all ok again.

I’m really starting to realise how they twist our realities and make everything our problem, even in a really subtle way.

[Author]

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