11th June 2016 at 9:08 am #18941StarmoonParticipant
What’s the point…
Last week I joyfully posted how I’d been out with friends and they were so lovely when I’d gotten upset. Over the years of being with him I’ve become isolated and scared to talk to people about what’s happened in case they don’t believe me. But also when I was with him I was also happy to have become isolated in a way- I’ve never felt I really fitted in with any particular group of friends, different music tastes and interests.
Recently I visited a friend and his wife (I’ve been friends with them since I was a child). He told me how another friend we’d been out with the previous week was so horrible about me after I’d left. Said that I’d been attention seeking and I was selfish and that I didn’t buy rounds of drinks ever and said she wasn’t the only one who noticed this- I don’t know who she was implying had. I was actually paying for her the whole night- genuinely! She’d told me she was skint and I said I would pay and she could do it next time. So I was hurt allot by this school girl bitchiness. I have so much bigger things to deal with and I could’ve done without hearing that someone els sees me as a bad person.
I’ve tried desperately in recent weeks to rekindle friendships I once had but until recently I hardly spoke to anyone.
I don’t use social media because he would always kick up a fuss about every thing and anything and it was just easier to remove it rather than spend my whole life defending things. But anyway, I’m at a loss as to how I could be seen as an attention seeker. This particular friend, I don’t talk to her about my life.. I didn’t think that I bombarded the few friends I have got with all my problems. The ones I trusted, sometimes I would talk to them about what he’d done and ask advice. I admit there was allot of drama… But I didn’t look for it or enjoy it. I feel everyone is now judging me.
Perhaps this hit me harder than usual because I am already feeling so low about myself. I did try to shrug off the first few things he said she’d said about me but the more he told me- the more upset I felt.Anyway after he’d told me this I felt like I wanted to ask her why she had said those things.
I’m aware how utterly pathetic this sounds… But at the time it just felt like yet more validation that my ex was rite. I don’t need to do anything other than be myself and some how I’m getting things wrong.
But the friend who had told me this then got annoyed/upset that I wanted to talk with her. He said he’d told me in confidence. But the in confidence statement surely doesn’t fit?! That only applies if it’s about someone els.. If it’s about me personally then surely I have a rite to act on what I’m told??
He kept saying he didn’t want to be implicated. I said if hadn’t wanted to get implicated or involved then he shouldn’t have told me at all or perhaps not engaged in a conversation with her about me at all. How can I be responsible for his choice to be involved?! I didn’t jump to any conclusions or make assumptions.. A friend I’d known and trusted since I was a child told me that another one had said unkind and untrue things about me. I know that all ‘friends’ rant about each other especially when drink is involved but I don’t think the rest of us go telling tales like school children unless we really feel it’s needed? So to feel the need to tell me- he must have felt it was bad enough and that I needed to know… So am I wrong for wanting to deal with it? Am I wrong for wanting to defend myself and to speak to her? I’m not an aggressive person at all. Nor am I generally confrontational but I did want to ask if it was true…
Of course I had to tell her he’d told me.
I’d only been so hurt by the comments because I felt if she really had said I didn’t ever buy drinks, it was just so unjust and untrue. Gah I know this sounds so very childish considering the bigger situations I’m dealing with like social services and wondering if my ex will be charged for assaulting me. But I couldn’t help feeling upset. He instantly refused to talk to me again the minute I asked her about it. His reaction is confusing… He didn’t want her having ago at him apparently… But surely he must have known that I would want to talk to her and then she would want to ask him why he told me this…. I would’ve thought about the consequences before I decided to tell someone something that I knew was going to hurt them.
She’s denied she ever said it and upon confronting him, he’s backed down and said that maybe he misunderstood the situation. But he’s not said that to me…. He hasn’t said sorry for opening this can of worms… In fact he’s fuming at me and has said I’m causing a drama over nothing… I didn’t start this drama!
And she has also now said to me that he told her that night that he had cheated on his wife and was intending to meet another girl off a dating site.
It’s crossed my mind that perhaps he was trying to make my friend look bad so that if she told me what she has now told me- I wouldn’t believe her. Only I know what he’s like and I do believe he probably has. I’m now in a s**t situation because his wife is also my best friend. She deserves better than that but I can’t go and be the one that destroys their marriage purely on what someone els has told me. I I would really rather not be involved in another drama. I am so exhausted…. And it’s at times like this that I feel so very weak. If he were here or I was able to contact him, he mite comfort me and tell me it’s ok as long as I’ve got him. I know he’d revel in me needing him and wanting to be away from my so called friends. But rite now I do feel I need him. I want to run away to a cave and be away from all this twisted rubbish.
11th June 2016 at 11:12 am #18948godschildParticipant
Hi starmoon, you really dont need all of these extra stresses from people, in future if anyone tries to “gossip ” to you tell them you are under stress and dont want anymore.
I fully understand how you feel about needing the comfort, I have had a few situations in the past 6 months where I have longed for comfort and a hug but have resisted as I know its not genuine and wont be for my best in thelong run but i came very close when very low a couple of weeks ago but then the next day mine was horrible and i was so so glad I had not gone near him.
They should be our comforters but i think it was lundy bancroft that said they are our comforters and out terrorists, do undersatand how you feel, I spoke to mine the other night about something that had really hurt me done by another person and ended up even more hurt as he cannot see anything from my side sending you hug of understanding x*x
11th June 2016 at 2:16 pm #18955SerenityParticipant
You don’t fit in with him. The opposite.
I think the only way you are going to set yourself healthy boundaries with him – physically and in your own head- is to face the fact that he is the enemy in terms of your health and wellbeing.
For whatever reason, he is destructive, like all our abusers are. It is not you, it is him. He will destroy everything in his path.
I can see a pattern with your responses, Starmoon. And I’m not judging at all, since my responses up until now have always been the same. Whenever bad things happen, my automatic response has always been to blame myself, and not even consider that others might be wrong or have their own issues.
That is why I stayed with my abuser for years. I was programmed to magnify my own faults and to minimise others’.
Unfortunately, we have had to learn that not everyone in this world is supportive and nice. Not everyone has strong morals. Not every adult has learned to control their jealousy and anger.
My own mother seemed jealous when I was going through my worst time of the help and support I was getting. She likes to be the centre of attention. Whilst I was shaking and being sick every day, she told me my situation wasn’t that bad, to get a grip. It was heartbreaking to see that my own mother’s ego got in the way of her relating to her own daughter at a time of need.
Don’t assume that these people who are saying negative things are correct and thinking purely and objectively. At times of trouble, you find out who your friends are. Sometimes, the ones who are most supportive are the ones you’d least expect to be.
People are unable to be supportive and act in an unkind manner for so many reasons. Maybe they’ve cut off their emotions as a self-protection mechanism; maybe they feel, like my mum, jealous that they aren’t centre of attention in a situation; maybe the abuse you describe makes them feel bad about themselves, because maybe they are guilty of some of those things towards their partner, and rather than face the truth of this, they try to make out you are attention-seeking, etc. Just as abusers do- minimise their own behaviour, magnify others’ faults, because they don’t possess the courage to face themselves squarely.
What I hope for you is that you break this pattern of prizing other people’s ( often faulty and tainted) opinions above your own. You will believe your own truth. You will hopefully reach a point where you are strong in following your gut instinct and won’t be so destined by others’ bad behaviours.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of cruelty and dishonesty and cowardice in this world. But there is also a lot of courage, integrity and honesty with some people, and I hope that your abuse experience will encourage you to see that you deserve to surround yourself only with positive people, and hold others at arm’s length. 💛
11th June 2016 at 6:50 pm #18966Confused123Participant
I just had my first night out last night and as brill as it was I think that inner voice always comes out what were people thinking or sayin about me. Who cares, u were your lovely self, and for some one to say insenstitive comments like that, well that is there loss as they don’t deserve a friend like u and take it as a hint to keep away from these people. U r better of without your ex, what is good about that he kept u isolated, nothing…. u sound like a lovely person with a bubbly personality who has been restricted to going out and mixing in with others, prove everyone wrong and go out and socialaize, u will meet better people out there. Never think that tw*t that messed your head was good for u
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