I rang the helpline, I am in a state

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

But I never got through, I feel lost, confused, I don’t recognise myself. It’s a silent meltdown. I won’t allow tears to flow, I have no appetite, I mainly feel confused after rethinking over and over again all that happened in the past and most recently, and today he is playing more mind games by texts and mails. I can’t take it, I look on websites for the definitions of abuse and everywhere it is simply full of the wrong questions, the wrong descriptions, it is too obvious, the abuse at home has been violent albeit rarely, but most of it is emotional, it takes the definite traits of n**********c abuse and nowhere can I find a clearer description of it than on a link given on this forum by one of the ladies.
My dv lady has not rang for weeks and I sent her a text to ask if she still looks after my case and I have no reply. I feel let down and really alone. Yet I won’t go and see anyone, I feel ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.
Because of what he did yesterday and today, I am crumbling.
Why did I even ring the helpline? I wanted to find a local support group, I don’t know anyone locally who suffers domestic abuse/violence. I speak to no one, and the less I speak the more confused I am.
I know some people whom I could call but I feel ashamed of doing so, calling for support and friendship, an ear to listen to me. So I don’t ring anyone.
I thought again the minute I was left alone earlier on today, now I could just finish it all and disappear, kill myself. They are all gone out of the house, now is the opportunity, in silence, quietly. I was so hurt today by my children. I automatically felt I don’t mean anything to anyone, not even them. So what does it matter if I live or die? I won’t ring my parents either. I read this stupid Al Anon book to find serenity and peace and a way to cope and it talks about me, anger, depression, helplessness, the lot, but it is a book. You can write what you want in a book and make it fit any scenario. What I live is my scenario and I find it even harder to not feel frustrated at the counselling sessions I have with a specialist domestic abuse counsellor. It is so so so frustrating I don’t want to go any more. So far it has led me nowhere, it is pure empty talk, so much talking…
I try to stay strong and not loose my family, my home, my job (removed by moderator), my identity, my comfort, my security, I try to find a solution within myself to stay the strong Bridget Jones and feel free from his abuse and his ”ways”. But I have had so many failed attempts recently, I find the world confusing and nasty and people are just ready to jump on you when you are weak, just like these neighbours who took me in their home, (removed by moderator), and you can tell they just want me to join their rank. It’s brainwashing and pressuring me. It is not the solution. It is just another form of abuse. They offered for me to meet some particular people and I could see the manipulation starting to take place. It puts me off, and I say to myself why could I not have found the strength to just ignore my husband when he became angry? I would not have been found in a state on the road. I should have gone home and gone to bed with a book or watching tv, numb the brain, stop feeling, stop thinking, he just won’t change and there is nothing I can do but work on my behaviour to ignore. I lost a long time ago. I depend on him and he knows it. Or I face that hard divorce battle and risk loosing my kids and everything I worked for. I am too old and tired for all this. I am weak. I am a coward and weak.

[KIP.]

Can you go back into the refuge for a while to clear your head. I rang the Samaritans when I was really low. You cannot ignor domestic abuse while you live it every day. You paint a doom and gloom picture of divorce. Has he told you this? What does your solicitor say? A smaller home that you can manage and is all yours. Peace for your children. A new fresh start. He sounds like he has a good job. Half his pension? I think you may be in a much stronger position than you think. What is really stopping you divorcing and setting yourself free. It can’t be worse than suicidal thoughts X

[lover of no contact]

Bridget well done for taking the action to help yourself by posting on here. That’s all you can do at the moment. I recognise your thoughts and feelings. Its a cycle for you. The cycle of abuse. You’re probably just after the ‘red phase’ of the abuse cycle where you have been on the receiving end of an emotional battering and he has used your children as weapons to batter you too. Your children are not bad. They are just manipulated by him and confused and hurting too and you being the ‘safe’ parent will unfortunately get their anger, and he transfers his hostility unto them. My abuser did the same.

‘Analysis is paralysis’ is a saying. Maybe reading too much on the abuse is not helpful for you at the moment. Limit it to reading the posts on here or old posts. I used to find immersing myself in the abuse information can paralyse me.

‘This too will pass’. Keep today simple.

Your thoughts and feelings are normal. You’ve just had an emotional battering (bombarding texts, probably silent treatment with hostility and contempt and hatred emanating from your abuser’s pores). Its impossible to stay upbeat when you’re on the receiving end of that. Their hostility and hatred wounds our souls, goes right through to our hearts.

You say why couldn’t you have just have found the strength to ignore your husband when he was angry. He is emotionally battering you. If he was physically beating you or raping you or had enlisted 5 men to gang rape you, would you say to yourself ‘why couldn’t I have found the strength to ignore the 5 men as they gang-raped me?’.

You are being abused and you are in the cycle of abuse with your husband. That’s why you feel as you do, suicidal etc. Your body and mind are sending huge signals to you to get away from him. Your body, mind and feelings are reacting to his toxicity. You are actually feeling normal feelings for someone being abused. I had them too. And I couldn’t leave because of my children. But luckily a door opened for me to escape my abusive relationship when he decided to discard me and he initiated legal separation proceedings. Hopefully a door will open for you too.

But your kids are not young are they? If I had stayed with my abuser I’d have lost my teen kids emotionally to him. So if you stay there is no guarantee your relationship with your adult/teen kids is going to improve. If you leave the abusive relationship, you will regain yourself and your relationship with your children can’t help but improve away from him. With you away from him and healthy, and emotions calm they will notice his dysfunction.

At the moment his dysfunction is being covered up by your mind and emotions in a mess and your life unmanageable.

All you can do at the moment Bridget is be really gentle on yourself. Do something nice for yourself today and keep posting and reading the posts so you can get the strength to get out of your merry-go-round of abuse.

[SaharaD]

Dear Bridget

Let go.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

You do realise that you and the kids are being slowly poisoned. He will get you Bridget and the kids for sure if you don’t leave. He will harm you or make you harm yourself all of you.

Bridget, just leave. you know you have to. yes give up the job. yes give up the home. All good things must come to an end. you retire, you have to get a smaller more manageable home as you become less feeble. do it now Bridget. only you can do it. we can say it but it is you who has to do it. unfortunately everything done while still living with an abuser is pretty pointless. no counsellor or support worker can help you until you stop living with him and receiving his text and emails. how long ha e you been doing this? months years going around in circles. this isn’t living..

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Sending u hug out, dont feel like coward, they drain us out totally,maybe refugee would be best, just have a clean break and cut them all off

[Confused123]

Go to your gp , let him know how u feel, u really need a lot of support around u

[Serenity]

Bridget, I stayed with my ex so long because I thought I had to.

Unless the marriage is loving, I don’t think
we need stay. I hope you find a way of getting away from him. X*x

[Lisa]

Hi BJIF,

You are certainly not weak, you are incredibly strong for coping with this, as all survivors of abuse are. You are coping everyday with extremely serious coercive control, psychological abuse and threatening behaviour and this has devastating effects; Women’s Aid take this type of abuse just as seriously as physical abuse.

It sounds as though you have reached a crisis point; his abuse is understandably having a very negative effect on your well-being. It sounds like you have been trying to manage the situation by adapting your behaviour and your responses, but this is not going to work because you are not the problem, he is.

Please consider calling the helpline again when it is safe for you to do so. If you can leave a voicemail with a safe time for a callback. Talking to a support worker can really help to work through your thoughts. You can talk to them about your individual concerns and fears about leaving. They can also signpost you to your local service so you can access some group programmes.

Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Starmoon]

Hi, everyone has given you such brilliant advice already, I can’t add much more other than to say you are not a coward. You’re strong!! I can relate to all you’ve said. Keep talking on here xxxx

[Ayanna]

Big hugs, Bridget!
Please think about the advice given.
Divorce is a word full of hope in a horrible marriage.
You are never too old to start afresh.
Life out there is better.
The ex abuser tried to brainwash me that I am unable to live on my own. Being on my own is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[SaharaD]

Dear Bridget

I saw this quote and thought of you:

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth.”

please don’t beat yourself up for not being able to ignore him. please don’t punish yourswlf for having emotions. please don’t kill yourself, that’s letting him win and leaving your children with a monster and none of you ray of sunshine hope. it will devastate them and they may never recover.

you have a chance of leaving him or making him leave and getting a place where the children feel safe, they can recover from the years of abuse and so can you.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Bridget, I agree with all of the women on here, you need to leave and do it soon. Its really not as hard as you think it is. Or he needs to leave. I stayed in my marriage for years because I wasn’t fully aware of my options. I found them out one day and that was it. X*X

[Serenity]

I thought marriage was everything.

It isn’t, if it is harming you and others. It is a prison.

I thought I would get all kinds of judgement by society for being divorced and a single mum. I haven’t at all. I thought my kids would be crucified if we spilt up. In fact,they begged me to not let him back.

[Healthyarchive]

I’m sorry to say it but I think that everybody in your household is being damaged by the toxic atmosphere, this would all be so much healthier for children included if you just went your separate ways. You and he would more than likely be able to buy your own properties and your children would be much better off.

[Author]

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