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My ex came to take the dogs out. He had emailed me to say when he would arrive. He assumed that I would be up and the door would be open. I wasn’t up and the door wasn’t open so he climbed into the house through a window. He has never done anything like it before and I’m stunned that he had the agility and strength to do it.
I really don’t know what to think. He still owns half the house and I cannot keep him out without an occupation order.
I am shocked that he climbed through a window instead of phoning or making himself known in any way. He has taken no interest in the children. Just this weird behaviour around the dogs.
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Hi maddog,
His behaviour is typical abuser behaviour. Normal to him but not to us. Because we wouldn’t think and behave as they do. In a nutshell he wants to continue contact with you. And if he does weird things then he knows he’ll manage to take up space in your head and this is what he wants. He wants to be the centre of your thoughts. For the moment I would just ignore his behaviour. Abusers just cross our boundaries how and when they like.
He is using his interest in the dogs to be in contact with you. Don’t worry they are actually very typical in their behaviour. Your abuser is very similar to mine. Yawn, yawn, ignore him and his childish pranks. You have a life to live and children to have fun with and lots of self-care to carry out for yourself. He’s an irritation but swat him away as you would an irritating fly that got in your face.
Keep posting for support though as he won’t stop I’m afraid but eventually he will move on if you don’t let him see your reactions/emotions that he craves.
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I don’t have a good feeling when I read about he climbing through the window to get in. I mean isn’t’ that breaking and entering?
Honestly it shocked me to read that and wonder what if he does that at night? Or doesn’t inform you next time? This doesn’t sound right. Can you phone someone…not sure who but someone for advice, women’s aid to start with and Rights for women. He is an abuser and even though his name is still on the house, shouldn’t he be treated as a criminal? Not allowed in the house.
Maybe I am just an anxious one here but I think he showed that he absolutely does not respect your territory, he shouldn’t break in when you are not inviting him through the front door. -
His behaviour is escalating and he is unpredictable and very dangerous. He raped you. That’s the kind of man you’re dealing with. He also agreed via a solicitor to move out of your home. Absolute zero contact is the only safe way forward. Get an occupation order now. Use this behaviour as evidence of his dysfunction. This behaviour is going to continue while you allow contact. He sees your allowing contact as a green light to continue his abuse. You’re very lucky he didn’t hurt you while you slept. Unacceptable frightening behaviour and a taste of what is to come. I know. I’ve been there.
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I’ve had advice from WA and my solicitor and I’ve spoken to the police. He will not be arrested for breaking and entering as he is technically breaking into his own house. He will leave it for me to pay for any breakages. He has never done anything like this before and I find it really hard to imagine him climbing through a window! The children are just as baffled. I bought a security camera. Hopefully we will catch him climbing in find out what on earth he thinks he is doing
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A security camera will only catch him doing what he has already done. Which the police and your solicitor said is not enough for an arrest. You need a non molestation order with a power of arrest. He has already agreed to move out and you have evidence of this from his solicitor. You may just record your own assault or worse.
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When you say he has never done anything like this before. This is a sure sign of his escalation and desperation at losing control. Never underestimate these men. I think it was you who said not so long ago he was scheming with his solicitor. I know of a case like yours where he just turned up one day and moved straight back in. Meaning she and her children had to leave. Get in there first with an occupation order. Make it legal and official or I can see him simply moving back in. Especially since he now knows nothing can be done by the police.
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I am looking into it. Thanks for the warning, KIP. I bet you are bang on. He is a generation older than I am and given his lack of propensity for squeezing through tight (all these things are relative) spaces, the children and I are baffled.
I may have to represent myself if I want an occupation order. I’ll speak to WA in the morning.
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I didn’t sleep last night. The dogs were shouting their heads off at silly o’clock this morning. At least now we all know what happened. He returned them at early o’clock and attempted to get them in how he got them out, again recorded, but only one came in and then went out again. So there were lots of dogs shouting their heads off outside until I let them in. I cannot report my own dogs to the council. I work hard with them to keep them as quiet as possible coming and leaving the house. When he has been with them it becomes harder.
Today, conversations with WA, CAB, Job Centre, solicitor about how the hell to respond. My younger daughter has spent the day with him and is now on a sleepover with him. When he came to pick her up butter wouldn’t melt.
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I find this situation laughably ridiculous. Given his past behaviour, it’s not. He also thinks that I have access to a secret magic money tree which I don’t. He is now assuming that since he is paying rent (for my benefit) I will pay all the children’s costs. He much prefers our younger daughter who is generally rude to me and less so to him. He really is like a recalcitrant 4 year old.
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I have asked him if we can re-negotiate because it was ridiculous him climbing in windows when he has a key. He still thinks he lives here and can have access whenever he chooses. I don’t know how to breach this one. I asked him why he couldn’t get in through a different door. He just started getting angry and expected me to change my habits. I also told him that it was unacceptable for the dogs to be making such a racket at an early hour and that I found it frightening to wake up to them shouting their heads off.
The dogs are family dogs although I am now paying for everything to do with them. They can’t live with him anyway as his property is No Pets. (Detail removed by Moderator).
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Yes, I feel, think and know from experience that there is no negotiation possible with an abusive (Detail removed by Moderator).
There comes a point where you just have to ignore what is coming out of their mouths (not the truth) and decide and uphold what you wish to do to meet your needs and those of the kids. Very difficult. Sorry you are in this situation
ftc
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ve asked him if we can re-negotiate because it was ridiculous him climbing in windows when he has a key. He still thinks he lives here and can have access whenever he chooses. I don’t know how to breach this one. I asked him why he couldn’t get in through a different door. He just started getting angry and expected me to change my habits. I also told him that it was unacceptable for the dogs to be making such a racket at an early hour and that I found it frightening to wake up to them shouting their heads off.
The dogs are family dogs although I am now paying for everything to do with them. They can’t live with him anyway as his property is No Pets. (Detail removed by Moderator)
maddog, the problem is, you are trying to explain and negotiate basic respect to someone with the emotional literacy of s three year old. This is what we, as victims do. I can’t tell you how many years of my life I’ve spent trying to explain basic principles of respect. Haven’t you done this too? It doesn’t work. He doesn’t want to understsnd. You can spend the rest of your life trying to explain or negotiate and you will be wasting your breath. All you’re doing is giving him energy and weakening yourself.
He has done something despicable. It is unacceptable. This has gone way beyond you making a boundary. I have a feeling this man isn’t going to abide by any boundaries you make. You need outside help for this one. Make sure you get it.
While you’re waiting for it, decide what it is that you want and communicate that to him telling him that any deviation from that will result in you contacting the police. And if he arrived again, uninvited, you ring 999 and you tell them that your estranged husband has broken in to the shared house that you have occupancy for and you are in fear. You must take this seriously. There are no excuses for his behaviour.
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Sorry. That was very blunt and to the point and I’m an new member and may be stretching beyond my remit. I do not mean to offend. I have huge compassion for the situation you are in but, following my own revelation about how much time I wasted putting my energy in the wrong place, getting so upset and so emotional that I couldn’t see the wood for the trees and of course that’s EXACTLY how he wants you to be. Angry, sleep deprived scared and confused because somehow even this despicable act was your fault. Take some time to calm. Put the energy back into you and away from him and make a plan and stick to it.
The very best to you.
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