26th June 2016 at 8:48 am #20119betterdaysParticipant
Why I were missing him anyway. He were nothing but miserable most the time. I couldn’t really get into a conversation with him. He had every ache and pain he used to keep saying he were sure he had something underllining but could fly to the pub. And still is doing. Outings well more often than not it be f.ing and blinding. Same when he were driving every other ffkers fault oh and he used to say f.ing women drivers u couldn’t win an aurgument at no cost ways starting. I have a memory of going to the seaside all of us and my youngest son left his pop in the fish shop he said to him go get it you thick bstrd. Then the seagulls flew down and stole his fish and chips he went totally mad he said if I had a f.ing air rifle I’d shoot the bstrds people were horrified. How could I have possibly missed an (detail removed by Moderator) like that????? X
26th June 2016 at 9:31 am #20127
Dear Better Days, No Contact is the best thing, it gives you time and space and your thoughts change to how they were when you were together. When you are together, I dont’ think your thinking is really you thinking. I think that you are either responding to things, don’t forget that we are scared so we try to keep them happy. Or you are keeping your mouth shut. So when we are with them we are not being ourselves. But when we are free, or breaking free we start to see things in another more natural way. Things come back to you about the relationship and you start to think for yourself. I have asked myself lately what I actually liked about being with him and I was honest with myself.
I liked some companionship occasionally, once a month going out or going on holidays would have been enough for me
I liked the “you know what!”
I liked a cuddle and to receive text messages
I liked how he welcomed me into his family
Most of the time he was an inconvenience to me, that sounds awful i know. He would want to see me a lot and I just didn’t want that. He would be there and I didn’t want him there. He was not easy to get along with and needed to dominate everything. I didn’t trust him at all, he lied all of the time. There are many many more things…
A book I got hold of, How to Mend a Broken Heart is a good read. It gives lists where you list exactly and truthfully what you liked and what you didn’t like about the relationship. It seems that what I liked were things that could have applied to anybody and not him personally. XXXX
26th June 2016 at 11:16 am #20134SerenityParticipant
I could pay a lot of money and prepare a great deal for nice days out and holidays, and he would still wreck it. I remember sitting in a fish and chip restaurant with tears pouring down my cheeks because he was being so unkind. I couldn’t even hide it, though I was in public- I was too distraught. He just sat there with a cruel smile across his lips.
He always made us feel we weren’t entitled to enjoy ourselves.
Remember, Betterdays, all of our abusers have rotten souls. Some abusers hide it better than others. It’s a bit like an iceberg:
With some abusers, a lot of ugliness is visible and above the surface. They don’t know how to suppress it.
Others disguise their ugliness by manipulating, blaming and gas lighting others. This takes a bit of mental work to do this.
Other abusers- like the Water Torturer and Head Worker- might have such self-control that they manage to appear to others to be cool and calm, but really they are being very calculating.
Whatever type of abuser you have ( and I think abusers might be all three at times- the Water Torturer sometimes loses control of himself etc), the fact remains that the horrible behaviour we see- the selfishness, the aggression, the hostile language, the cruelty- is just an expression of the ugliness within them.
It is normal for us to mourn what we never had. It is the most natural thing in the world for a woman with children to want a loving and supportive partner.
26th June 2016 at 11:20 am #20135SerenityParticipant
Abusers are often very good or ‘tactical’ lovers. They hone their sexual skills to keep you trapped.
However, you still feel hollow after having sex with them. You are aware, on some level, that you’ve been used or duped in some way.
26th June 2016 at 11:41 am #20137
Yes, so much more has come to me today. For me certainly, when you are out and thinking more for yourself you see things completely differently, more fairly, in your favour. When he & I were together, i was not me or thinking normally, because I wasn’t allowed to, it was frowned upon or i felt that I couldn’t. As yesterdays’ discussion highlighted, if i had said to him in a lighthearted jokey way “oh shut up you fool”, the consequences would have been severe. I remember times in the past where I’ve had boyfriends and we’ve had a laugh, ribbed and teased each other, it was all lighthearted and normal. It came to me today that during our time together my thoughts were controlled and manpipulated during the duration of our relationship. I was like him and his friends puppet, they played me like a fiddle, but it was discreet. I’m out now and free and my thinking is completely different, back to normal. Plus I have received the extra benefit of learning some powerful lessons. I would like to thank my ex for opening these doors for me.
26th June 2016 at 2:28 pm #20143
Dear Serenity, that made me so sad when your ex made you cry then had a cruel smile at seeing your pain. How I like to think of this sort of thing is that you have and continue to have the last laugh. Maybe you don’t feel it now, or feel it inside due to the abuse. But in the longer term you have had the last night. This is because he is left with his internal anger and issues, that is him. You, once you have continued to heal will be left with your bright, positive, happy life with your sons, your kind and decent heart and all of your natural goodness. Your career on the up and you continuing to thrive. Your ex doesn’t have that and only seems to be able to feel inner completeness when he is being cruel. I hope that this helps you in some way. Although I realize on reflection it was a mistake me contacting him 3 weeks ago as i gave away a bit of power. Part of me is pleased about this he could see from the words that i wrote, my tone and the photo that i attached that I was doing ok, even happy and not missing him or wanting him back. I have had the last laugh with my ex in a way. XXXXX
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