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I am really struggling with my life currently and feel like i am in literal pieces that I can’t put back together. Why is it so hard to leave an abuser I just want to leave him so badly but we keep getting back together despite how much he hurts me and ruins my life. I am really struggling with a personal loss I had recently and found out he had been cheating on me the entire time we were going through it. I know I didn’t want to bring a child into this world with a father so abusive as my partner but I didn’t get the chance to anyway after losing it. I have had such a traumatic past few months with coping and to find out he had been cheating the entire time breaks my heart. This is all so raw for me and I really need help getting over what has happened because I feel like I really really really can’t do it.
He turned violent towards me when I said that I couldn’t get over what he had done and he turned it on me as if it was all my fault. Why do I still love him and how do I get over him and what has happened? I feel torn apart I can’t stop crying. -
Hi chooseyoux. First I’m so sorry about your loss. It’s an incredibly sad and emotional time and one that you need support through – I’m sorry you didn’t get that from the person you’d expect it from x
your partner sadly is a typical abuser and what you are feeling is the pull of trauma bond. There are two great books that explain very well your situation : living with the dominator by pat craven and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Have a read of them, it certainly opened my eyes!
Abusers don’t think about anyone else because they believe they are the most important thing in the world. The fact he cheated on you when you were most vulnerable shows that. He won’t change sadly – abusers are generally for life, so my advice to you would be to get yourself out of this relationship- you deserve so much better x
As he has been violent towards you, please be careful as leaving is the most dangerous time. Get in touch with Women’s Aid they will help you plan and leave safely.
Once out, have absolutely zero contact with him. Block him on all social media and change your phone number. This is going to be incredibly hard but is the only way to truly break the horrible trauma bond. You’ll feel guilty and sad but believe me it passes and you’ll be on your way to a happy life without abuse in it.
Well done for posting, please let us know how you are getting on. Look after yourself xx
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Hi CY, seems you have some helpful words from HD, I can echoe what she has said. You have been going through a difficult time emotionally with the loss and working out what this all means, means you are vulnerable, and thus less able to deal with him. When we feel like you do, often all we want to do is curl up in bed and shut the world out for a bit, feeling the safety of home, feeling the love and support from those around us, no pressures, as this helps us be with our loss until we feel ready to make the adjustment needed.
Only you’re not getting this are you, so you’re already down and feeling lost, then on top of this he comes along. When you have gathered some strength I’m sure the next thing you will deal with is gettng rid of him, but for now, this feels like it’s too much loss for one person to deal with, perfectly understandable x
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I felt like this once so overwhelmed felt like no one understands feel like there’s so much to address. Just overloaded. This is why the first call u need to make is to womens aid and then the GP. The biggest step at this point is following their professional advice as when we’re feeling trauma like this and it’s doubled you won’t be able to think straight. Once ur out u will 🙂let the services guide you. Counselling would be really helpful too. Do the cab practical stuff bit by bit one day do one thing xx
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Everyone is telling me I need to get a restraining order on him but he tends to leave me alone after each huge fight we have and seems completely disinterested in me. I want to know how to break away from this because I hate myself for letting that upset me? Or is it another mind game? Thank you for your support. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I’m going to talk to them and then see about changing my number. I wish he would have left me its so difficult being the one to leave.
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