I really need support

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m going crazy and don’t know what to do.

My partners moods and mental health feels really erratic and I feel like things are getting worse.

I can’t tell what’s going to happen from one day to the next or what he will turn in to an argument. I don’t have anyone to speak to and I can’t take it much more.

I work (detail removed by Moderator) day job and it can be quite overwhelming. My partner is also quite often struggling in recent months but the direction of his anger towards me feels like it’s getting worse.

He’s been telling me recently how badly he’s been doing and usually then following up with how badly he thinks im reacting to him and not being good enough support.

Tonight he told me he was suicidal, had nothing good in his life and when I was trying to sensitively ask him more questions about how he’s doing – he out of nowhere told me I seemed annoyed? Then started shouting at me. I stopped speaking because I felt a bit winded by this… he then continued to get angry asked what’s wrong with me for being upset and followed me into another room to continue berating me for making everything about me (for getting upset). I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. Am I supposed to not be upset?? He’s making me feel like I’m being a monster

I’m so exhausted

[HunkyDory]

Hey I just wanted to show some support. You’re not going crazy, it’s exactly how he wants you to feel. My ex used to be exactly the same. My reaction to anything was wrong – you fall over yourself trying to get the response right. Then it would my face – what’s wrong with it, that
I looked angry / dismissive / whatever reaction he didn’t want. I would work so hard to have my face “in neutral” to not upset him (it would be random, not especially mid argument). It was ridiculous.

Unfortunately there’s no arguing with an abuser because they believe they are always right. And yes, it is exhausting. He’s making you feel like a monster because that’s his aim – you’re not a monster. The following, berating etc escalated to violence with me. Be very careful. Abuse escalates, it never, ever gets better. Threats of suicide more often than not are just that, threats to keep you controlled.

Like you I felt I had no one, to everyone else we were a happily married couple. I told no one of the hell I was living in. Abuse thrives on silence too.

If you feel you want to leave, don’t tell him. Make your exit plans secretly and try to build a support network, find somewhere to go. Speak with your local domestic abuse teams or the online chat about creating a safe exit plan.

Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, or Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Keep posting on here for help and advice, you will get lots of support from like minded ladies.

Good luck
xxHDxx

[Anonymous]

Thank you HD,

I really had that horrible feeling of not knowing who to speak to and how to handle it. I opened up a bit to my best friend earlier in the evening and she got angry (in a kind of well meaning way that I’m putting up with so much). I get her response – but its so lonely and I just end up feeling guilty for making people worry.

Do you mind me asking – how long did it take you to leave that relationship? I’m finding myself feeling so desperate for things to go back to “normal” or for things to be ok after an episode – that when it does I’m so relieved and exhausted that I just can’t even begin to think about getting the energy to make the decision to leave. It feels like a cycle of denial and false hope that doesn’t get any better… a bit like living in two realities?

I really resonate with what you’re saying – not being able to do anything right. He gets so upset with me about such small things and seems to instantly feel better once I react to his behaviour. I feel like an emotional punching bag that he’s finding ways to make me feel shame/guilt and bringing me down in weirdly subtle ways. The crazy making thing is that often the way he says things or puts me down can be deniable? If that makes sense…

It’s a constant rollercoaster of feeling shocked, defensive, upset and angry punctuated by really nice times?

It feels like I’m now at a place where I’m not really allowed to have a bad day because if im slightly moody or irritable- im taken to pieces. If I don’t react to him right – I get a talking to and told I need to change. If I start to crack after a stretch of this I have “anger issues”. The thing is – the way he tells me all of this is quite convincing a lot of the time and I just don’t know if im just massively lacking self awareness??

I just don’t know what’s got to give for me to see straight.

Sorry for the ramble – it’s just so isolating I have nowhere to get my thoughts out

[Hazydayz]

💕

[HunkyDory]

Hi CuriousB

Every relationship is different as are the endings. I was fortunate that he left and I was able to block his return (he is from another country) so in a lot of ways it was “easy” for me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse for nearly a decade.

A lot of what you say resonates with me so much, I could never be in a bad mood or grumpy either, you feel like you have to have your face straight at all times.

People who haven’t been affected by abuse find it difficult to comprehend why we don’t “just leave”. Of course it’s not that easy. Which is why so much of my help and support came from this group rather than my friends and family and even a counsellor, who were like rabbits in headlights – they had no idea how to help me.

I’ve seen other ladies on the forum who’ve made their safe exit plans without their partner knowing and have successfully left the relationship. Sorting out where to go (do you have children together? Can you arrange to stay with family or friends or even arrange a new place to live?) and ideally having someone with you on the day you leave is a good idea.

The trick is staying away, because the attempts to get you back will make your head spin. When you leave, going absolutely zero contact is the way to go. Block him everywhere so he doesn’t get the chance to Hoover you back in.

The relief I felt after he’d gone was immense, but coping with the aftermath of grief and guilt is very hard for some time so be prepared for that.. look after yourself, keep posting and feel free to pm me if you want

XxHDxx

[HunkyDory]

I think eventually you will come out of the exhaustion cycle (absolutely drains you after the horrible rants and I understand it’s hard to get the energy to make a plan) and accept that leaving is the best option for your own mental heaths sake. Just do it safely xx

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