I really need your honesty please.

[nbumblebee]

For the firat time I am not gonna apologise for posting as i really would like some blunt honest advice.
I am feeling really lonley actually pretty sad inside and I dont want to be here posting this same stuff this time nect year ao I need to be brave ask the queations and accept the answers.
You know how hard I struggle to accept its abuse he is mean naaty controlling has hit or pushed me does force me into sex and more but not all the time and I often believe and I mean I really believe that I see it worse than it is maybe I am just lonley and messed up maybe I do make it sound worse than it is as i crave attention? surely all marriages have these problems?
The last year ive not made an effort I just cant I actually hate sex and intamacy maybe thats why he rants on I am cold unfeeling surely thats on me?
With regards to work its new maybe he just needs time to get used to the idea its a big change maybe i should give him some more time there? I have changed and mayne he feels unsure of our marriage?
I have no idea how a normal marriage should be this has been my life for so long if it is abuse why have i not seen it?
If it is abuse how can i sit next to him on the sofa laughing? I feel so full of guilt and self hate when we have had a nice day because herd I am on a site for abused women. I feel so bad when we do have consentual sex ok I dont enjoy it but I do it. I feel bad when the rare occasion he doesnt moan about me working when he rubs my feet when they are sore. Just so full of guilt and self hate I now even struggle to enjoy happy days.
I think you all know what I am aaking and I know I have aaked this time and time again but I am now ready to face it I need to face it doeant mean I have to leave right? Its just one big step foward right?
Many Thanks xxxx

[Marmalade]

Hi nbumblebee,
You are always so kind and supportive to everyone else. You deserve far more than you have got.
Abuse is not the same for everyone. It is not a competition. Some women on this site have suffered horrific abuse, some much less, but it still affects them and the behaviour is still wrong.
You know there are positive times when men behave well, that’s what keeps us in the cycle. We crave those positive highs, so yes there will be good times.
I think WantstoHelp once wrote a post about how to tell the difference between an abusive relationship and a normal breaking down toxic one. I can’t find it now but from memory I think it was about power and control. There can be, and normally are, awful arguments and sulks in a breaking down toxic relationship, but one party is not terrified of the other. There is not a huge imbalance in power.
To be hit and pushed, to be not allowed to work or punished because you dare to work, to be forced into sex by coercion, this is abusive behaviour.
I’m pretty practical so I will give an honest opinion in my posts, not just emotional support by saying what someone wants to hear.
Moving forward though, the thing that stands out for me is you are so miserable and unfulfilled and your unhappiness is increasing. My view is your situation is abusive, but whatever you choose to call it, you deserve better and deserve your chance at happiness.

[nbumblebee]

I needed that Thank you so much.
I have alot to think about I guess I cant fight it anymore.
Step one acceptance. X

[beachhut]

You don’t have to do anything you do not want to do. You know that you are living in an abusive relationship. We can sugar coat it as much as we like, he is not always like that, why not? Because he chooses not to be. He is sorry, why? If what he is doing is not wrong, it will not happen again, until the next time, he makes his choice to behave as he does, believe me we are not in charge of their behaviour or thoughts, they are just controlling, sad people who need to have their own way and do not care how they get it. No amount of presents or nice days out can make up for the bad days, the abuse and the bruises. I have been out a while now, I will not tell you it is easy but it gets less painful as the months go along, you find the woman inside you who has been there all along, hiding and making excuses for a life they do not deserve. You will know in your heart when you are ready to admit what you already know. You to have choices. Hope I have not offended. Take care of you, beachhutXx

[nbumblebee]

No offence taken at all I appreciate your honesty I really do. Its what I need to hear.
Thank you x

[Bananaboat]

I sat on my sofa this morning, in my pj’s watching kids tv having had snacks for breakfast, both kids doing what they fancy and it hit me how different this moment is to last year. Then I came on here and saw your post and it hit me again.

Life is so hard when you’re living in these relationships, you’re surviving and your whole being wants to make it work. It’s scary to leave, what if you’re wrong, he won’t make it easy, how will I cope all go round your head a million times a day. You listen to every noise, watch every movement, know what is coming.

I’ve said to you before the label of whether it’s abuse or not (it is lovely but I know your body doesn’t want to accept it yet) doesn’t matter, what matters is you and your kids are unhappy. Due to one man who will not change no matter how much you want him to or love him. Yes relationships have ups and downs but our relationships have no support, respect or trust. Leaving is a journey and a rollercoaster of its own, so is staying if that’s the decision, but the end result of leaving is sitting on your sofa, in peace, with harmony not fear and smiling when you think it’s Christmas x x x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you this is so special.
You are so right. I see glimmers of hope so many times last night for the first time ever he said to his parents how important my work is, i almost cried.
Today he is being so kind I just think can he change? I want him to so much it hurts. But then theres that voice inside me that says he hurts you he makes you so sad you hurt yourself abuse or not thats not healthy. I need to now face this head on and dig deep work out what i want and make a plan.
Bananaboat Thank you for all your advice and support throughout the year xxxx

[Soulster]

Hi girls, I’m new to this and I’ve been reading through the forum. There’s so much stress and hurt we suffer at the behaviour of these men weather they be husbands or partners, boyfriends whatever… I feel we all just made bad choices and there all wrong for us, we fell for the wrong guys and I blame me for liking a bad boy to start with. I’m in a refuge with my just turned (detail removed by moderator) son, been in here now (detail removed by moderator) and over Christmas and new year was the hardest moments… there’s about 8 other families with mums/kids with lots of special needs and not as blissful as you would think, you would think all women would be being supportive and helpful with each other at these times, but I feel it’s a very fake environment and I can’t wait for us to get our own home, financially it’s going to be tuff and I get that but that’s life for everyone no matter what level your at. I’m glad I found the courage to leave after (detail removed by moderator) of control, the abusive n********t would of destroyed my sanity and my son would have grown up thinking that was how a man should be. I know different. And I also knew if I died in that house with him, who would take care of my child? He would be in control of his future and no way does the world need another him! It is really hard to leave and even harder believe me to stay in refuge but will be so worth it when I see and hear my son as his own man, not a mould of what his dad would drag up, he’s being brought up! And happily by me, life’s more precious happy. Gotta keep strong and remember all the bad memories they gave you and smile because once your out… it’s like flushing the toilet after a heavy curry ladies, a breath of fresh air, keep the faith! Keep going… X*x

[Footballfan1]

You don’t want sex and he calls you cold because of it, but you don’t want sex because of his behaviour towards you in the first place.

My ex told me to make more effort, I was cold and unfeeling and I was in the wrong according to him.
I tried to point out that he treats me like a slave as well as me being the main earner, if he supported me somewhere, with the housework, with paying the bills, bringing up the kids, I might get my libido back.
He did not want to hear that as you can imagine.
It wasn’t a fair partnership, he would go on all the time about my faults, what I had to work on.
If I mentioned his weed and gambling addiction, and asked him to work on those, well you can imagine the response.
Tantrums, anger, out of control episode’s.
Just for asking him to change his behaviours.

You are not at fault Nbumblebee, it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. X*x

[twinkletwinklekitty]

I hear you. I am still being accused for not wanting to have sex. The trouble is, how do you open up to someone physically if they rip you to pieces on an emotional level most of the time?

Someone once said to me that intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom. I tried to explain it to my husband, but it is like hitting a wall.

[nbumblebee]

Yeah i get this too he tells me i dont love him if i dont have sex I try and explain but it falls on deaf ears. Last night he said i looked (detail removed by moderator) that i wasnt the woman i used to be then asked for sex and had a strop when i refused!!!
He just cant see what he does/says is wrong x

[Strongenough]

Nbumblebee,

At the start of my journey I found a ladder chart online that explained the process of realising your in an abusive relationship, I can’t remember where I saw it but I copied it down on a scrap piece of paper. It details 5 phases which I imagine like a ladder. Bottom is denial, then acceptance, realisation, flight and lastly recovery.

It sounds to me like your flitting between denial and acceptance at the moment. Accept where you are in your journey today, keep reaching out and keep what support you have around you. Your gut is telling you that something isn’t right, your gut instinct isn’t wrong.

[nbumblebee]

This is really helpful Thank you so much. Yeah I agree with you I know in my heart and head its not right how he treats me I just keep hoping I am wrong but No I know I am not wrong I really do need to step up that ladder.
Thank you xxxx

[nbumblebee]

I knew if I asked this question that many of you would be blunt and honest and I thank you all so much. Its so hard I really want to believe it is abuse the constant thinking of it is or it isnt drives me insane its all i think anout every second of every day it stops me doing so much. To accept it would be such a weight off my mind.
He is being so nice so kind just as how i wish he would be but yet still I worry still I am on edge.
Makes me feel full of guilt for even attempting to believe. But when i think back when i remember last week I do think deep down I believe it I really do I think I have got to face up to it.
I thank all you here who reads reacts posts messages.
Youve held me up this year you really have and I will always be grateful xxxxx

[Strongenough]

And we are grateful to you also. You have held me up this year when I have been down. I’ve left and my name is “Strongenough”. Yes I was strong enough to realise I was in an abusive relationship and strong enough to eventually leave. But I’m weak enough to still need support, weak enough to still have nightmares and weak enough still to need women like you @nbumblebee to support me through this journey. We are all in this together, no matter the stage.

Sending love, strength and hope to all on this forum tonight xx

[Reallyconfused]

It’s all ok. You are enough and everyone is enough. There is no need to explain. This is a difficult journey and there are no easy answers.
However abuse is abuse and we seem to be happy with some crumbs of kindness thrown our way to keep us hooked.
Our brain knows this but our hearts and emotions are something else because we are kind and loving and our self worth has been eroded.
We don’t even know what we are worth anymore. What do we expect from others and how valuable we are ?
Our feelings are SO important. If we like something or don’t like something- that’s so important. Whatever that may be. It’s being in tune with yourself- not looking at Him to see what he’s feeling.
It’s your feeling that matters because YOU are important.
You have a human right to say no – to chocolate cake, to sex , to putting makeup on, to putting certain clothes on.
This is YOUR life.
I know it’s not easy, we are all in the middle of a war but slowly it’s about taking control back of your own self.
I can honestly say in this forum with one hand we give and the other hand we take (support).
We are stronger together.
To be truthful we are amazing but our partners don’t have the eyes to see it.
We are here to be each other’s eyes.
Love to everyone.

[nbumblebee]

I agree i wouldnt be abke to stand without the support here I am very grateful xxxx

[tiredofitall]

All the posts here have said everything. You’ve been supportive of my journey and it shows what a good person you are. This is how they keep us there. I spent a very long time trying to understand why my husband was so mean to me. I always found a reason- pressure at work, no work, struggling with his mental health. He always blamed me. I didn’t show I loved him enough, didn’t want sex enough and always expected him to behave badly so I manifested it.
Of course when I started looking honestly at these things I knew I didn’t show him love or want see with him because of how he treated me. He didn’t show me he loved me. In fact, he showed me how easy he found it to treat me with contempt.
It took me a long time to really see and accept the patterns of behaviour. Because of course, he was nice sometimes too.
And then longer still to accept he was not going to change.
And then I had to get myself comfortable in my conscience that I knew I was right.
Then I was ready to make the step.
Don’t be hard on yourself if you aren’t ready for the next step. Just keep afloat and keep going. And keep posting on here. No-one is judging you – this is a safe space.
Take care. xx

[nbumblebee]

This is really helpful Thank you so much xxxxx

[I.dont.know.]

I haven’t been on this site in a very long time and it pains me to read your post because I can relate to it so much. But it’s all part of abuse the self doubt the low moods that’s all brought on by the way your been treated.

Abuse comes in many forms and I feel the emotional abuse and mind games are one of the hardest forms to accept because your always questioning your own sanity! Blaming yourself etc.

But no it is not you your probably one of the nicest people that everyone knows that would do anything for anyone and you have had that used against you to control you and take over your emotions!

His behaviour is wrong! One day you will realise and find a way to get one it might take weeks, months , years but you will do it!!

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. You are so right I doubt myself all the time doubt what i hear I see I feel what he does etc its just so hard x

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee

I haven’t read the other replies so apologies if I’m just repeating what’s already been said.

Acceptance is a very individual journey and you will come to the right conclusion in your own time.

Your post reminds me of the things I used to tell myself. Now, looking back, I can’t believe that I thought it was normal to be attacked, controlled, coerced and made thoroughly miserable. As you say; don’t all marriages have these problems?

Well no, they don’t. Most marriages do have their ups and downs and most couples argue from time to time but that isn’t what is happening in your marriage. Here’s a list of some other things most couples do:

They support one another in life choices.
Each individual plays to their strengths to share the best of themselves in a cohesive relationship.
They respect eachothers private physical and emotional space.
They still have some independence in their lives so that each can pursue their own interests.

What good couples don’t do is coerce their partners (by whatever means) into intimate relations. They don’t get nasty when they see something making their partner happy. They don’t clip their wings or try to make them be someone or something that they dont want to be.

When abuse is all you’ve ever really known, it is hard to see it as abuse. To the survivor it’s just normal.

Looking back on a past abusive relationship makes it so clear, so easy to see. When you’re in it, it really is a fog that you can’t see through.

No, accepting that your relationship is abusive doesn’t mean you have to leave. But it will empower you, and often, the result of empowerment is eventual freedom.

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh eggshells Thank you so much that is what I needed to hear.
That last paragraph is what I needed Thank you xxxxxx

[StrongLife]

The fact that you are on this site and have googled it is enough. It is not easy to find.

I would suggest to go to domestic violence refuge or elsewhere away and leave that life behind and start creating a new one. Have you considered a path out?

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much but No this way is not for me I cant do it I just cant see a way out, but I really do appreciate your reply.
Xxxxxx

[tiredofitall]

For what it’s worth, I think Eggshells has hit the nail on the head. I have been in an abusive marriage for a really really long time and I only recognised or accepted it was abusive in the last 3 or 4 years. I had reasons and explanations for everything that happened and always thought I could do more / fix it…all the clichés. Once I acknowledged it was abusive I then had to forgive myself for not doing anything about it. I had to accept that I wasn’t the strong woman I always thought I would be who wouldn’t allow themselves to be treated like that. But then I also had to acknowledge the strength it took to live this god awful existence and be OK and a good mom! Anyway I thought about leaving loads of times, wished for a different life daily, hoped that he’d die in an accident so I’d be free but I never took the final step. And one day after suffering a day long tirade against me (which had happened a million times before) something inside snapped and I thought no more. I didn’t plan for that.
So don’t be hard on yourself about anything you decide to do or not decide to do. Just get through each day doing the best you can right now for yourself and your children. x

[nbumblebee]

Yep youve got it there. I fear acceptance because ive always believed if i accept then surely i should leave him but I just cant. Last week has been so calm i cant say hes been lovely he hasnt but its been hassle free but i sense a storm brewing but then doubt sets in and i think am i wishing a storm to happen because that will help me accept this. During nice times calm times im full of doubt.
Your words help so so much Thank you xxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi nbumblebee ❤️ whether you call your husband’s behaviour abuse (which it is) or not doesn’t matter, you are unhappy, your children have been affected and your husband has no intention of changing…
“for the first time ever he said to his parents how important my work is”. .. nbumblebee, he said that to your mum to make himself look good, supportive, when you know he isn’t actually and makes life harder for you because you work… if he was supportive, proud etc he would show you that consistently, the inconsistencies is what messes your head up… you want to believe he can change and drop being nasty and abusive but he chooses not to… the abuse in your life is real and that will eat away at you, whether you call it abuse or your husband being nasty… I also found it hard to accept my husband was abusive (married similar amount of years you and i) and then I was told if I don’t accept it for abuse then my teenage children might think abuse is someone being nasty and taking it out on me/us is ok… which got me thinking 🤔 I didn’t want my children to accept the behaviours I have suffered and to think it was OK, just dad being moody or off and I also didn’t want my children learning my ways of coping…
Now.fast forward to this year, we had a lovely peaceful Christmas, quiet and calm… my children let out their emotions re their dad on the run up to Christmas (which was hard as both my children have mixed feelings of course).
Keep pushing forward nbumblebee, you have.come so far already … Big hugs ❤️

[nbumblebee]

@Hereforhelp Thank you so much.
After having a really peaceful christmas I am yet again so full of doubt as to why Im even here but when i look back it was peaceful but felt false it felt like we were both putting on a show my heart wasnt there, its not here.
I can feel tension brewing he is again accusing me of not being loving and I am not I am cold and harsh as I cant bare him near me whatever its called its not right not fair on either of us.
I dont want to be here next year writing the same old posts. Xx

[Hereforhelp]

It is like a bad panto, the way they behave, your husband wanted to look good and supportive in front of his mother, I wonder what he would have said if you pulled him up on the spot, a ‘wow, so nice to hear that you now support me with my work as you have made it very difficult for me’ …. I am not suggesting your words, just imagine how he would’ve reacted… when my husband acted (bad panto style also) nice and supportive it used to confuse the s**t out of me as behind closed doors I was useless, mad, cold also as I couldn’t bare him near me in the end…
I really Hope you are in a better place this time next year lovely I really do….
Just know that non of this is your fault nbumblebee, no matter what he says (as of course he will blame you)… you want to be happy, you don’t like living with the ups and downs of his moods, the tensions which build are so draining…
❤️ here for you if you want to vent, I come on here every other day or so
Trust yourself. You do not want to be here this time next year… what would you like Christmas to be like next year?
HFH ❤️

[nbumblebee]

@Hereforhelp. Thank you.
Ive been thinking about this all day and honestly I dont know I really dont know. I have never allowed myself to think about a life without him never.
All I know is I cant be here this time next year not in this state anyway xx

[Camel]

I remember thinking it had been a good day if he hadn’t provoked an argument, pressured me for sex, given me the silent treatment, accused me of doing/not doing something, we’d laughed together. When you’re in the middle of it all, the tiniest crumbs of happiness can persuade you that things aren’t that bad. But if you’re only happy if he’s happy it is that bad.

Maybe you could make a note of what’s made you happy each day. Were you genuinely happy or were you just relieved?

[nbumblebee]

I didnt wanna yet again start another post but I did want to talk things out well type.
Ive done nothing but think today.
New year isnt an easy time for me and i often get very down.
He has been nice really quiet no nastyness at all and has really tried to be loving and i keep pushing him away. I am so lucky to have what I do have there are stories on here that break my heart from such incredable women and I feel like such a fraud.
But I also know its because he is being nice. I also know its a cycle and im sure i will be back on here again telling you how nasty he has been how hurtful he has been. I also know its time to admit whats going on whats been going on for years and after a lifetime of abuse I need to somehow from somewhere find strength to talk to open up and accept help and accept my situation how I dont yet know but I think I have too now or its gonna drive me insane.
Im not saying Im gonna leave Im not even gonna think about that Im gonna take this step by step.
First step accepting this for what it is.
Thank you all so much for all your replies I appreciate it. X

[Darknessallaround]

Hi @nbumblebee
I just wanted to say I can relate when you say you somehow can’t accept his abusive behaviour as being just that. Your mind would rather tell you that it’s you in the wrong, but that is his voice talking.

Your gut is telling you how it really is, and one day you will feel strong enough to listen and act on what it’s telling you. Until then, don’t put extra pressure on yourself to do what you think you should, rather than what you feel you can do.

I’ve been in a situation with my marriage for over (detailed removed by Moderator) decades, I’ve left on more than one occasion but have always gone back. Each time a little bit more of me dies inside. Will I ever leave for good? I honestly don’t know. I hope that there may be a different outcome to the one I am expecting, but realistically I think I had my chance and blew it.

I’m not saying this because I want sympathy, but to let you know that you aren’t alone in feeling weak for not being able to take the action you know you need to take. I hope you will be stronger than I was, and when you feel ready, put yourself first. I feel a bit hypocritical in encouraging you to do what I haven’t yet managed myself, but I think you are younger than I, and have a lot more potential for living a happy and fulfilling life.

A life lived full of regret is no life.

[nbumblebee]

@darknessallaround I am so so sorry you are here too I really am and I thank you for taking tine to reach out to me.
I feel just as you do that its too late for me Im so scared of what sort of life i would have without him that uts almost better to remain and live this way. He doesnt even see we have a problem. This last 2 weeks he has been so nice very quiet but no nastiness no moaning he has really tried to show his love which i cant give back it makes me believe that I am the wrong one. I feel like a fraud i feel guilty if i laugh with him if I enjoy a rare hug with him I am so full of guilt i cant bare it.
Hkw do you cope with the nicer times? Do you believe your marriage is abusive? Sorry to ask so many questions I know in order to get myself in a better place I have either got to accept it for what it is or leave this grouo walk away and forget it all happened.
Sending you lots of hugs and support sweetie. Stay safe stay strong xxxx

[Darknessallaround]

@nbumblebee
“How do you cope with the nicer times?”

Sometimes I just try to enjoy them while they last, because I know how quickly he can switch.
Other times I try to stop myself from getting sucked back in, because I know it’s not real. Trouble is, although my brain knows that, my heart doesn’t.

“Do you believe your marriage is abusive?”

On a rational, logical level I think I do, but on an emotional level, it’s really hard to accept. I have trouble believing that it’s planned, deliberate and calculated.

“he only shouted but I fear theres more to come I have that knot in my tummy that we all know so well. Its not right its not right at all.”

Yes I know that knot only too well. Coupled with the sick feeling in the pit of the stomach, the anticipation, waiting for things to kick off. Sometimes I think pre-explosion is worse than the actual thing. They have us so well conditioned, that our brains do half their job for them. At least mine does.

No it’s not right, at all.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much.
I think im the same In my head I know but i just wont allow myself to feel it nor believe it. Makes you feel less crazy less weird hearing someone else feels it too. I feel under so much lressure to leave him it drives me as crazy as he does and i often beat myself up for not leaving. Its so so hard isnt it. I wish this wasnt my life our life makes ne so so sad.
Stay safe sweetie sending hugs x

[Lottieblue]

Hi Nbumblebee,

Like others have said, you are the most incredible support on this forum and it’s obvious that there are many very grateful women.

My Goodness I went through the same scrambled brain as you have, but I think that once I realised he was abusive there was no doubting it. What I couldn’t get my head around was why. I always came back to the fact that I deserved it, but I also “waited” for less stress, older children etc, convinced things would change. The sex thing was particularly horrible as he would punish me with silent treatment for days if I didn’t want it, as well as telling me exactly how long it had been since the last time and calling me all sorts of names.

What I do want to say to you is this: get ready to leave. Get your ducks in a row. You don’t have to do it, just get yourself in a position where you can – apart from anything this will give you an incredible feeling of power. But it also means that if/when that red line is crossed, there’s nothing stopping you.
Finances, phones, somewhere to go. Think of everything, absolutely everything. Have a bag packed (an old pair of pyjamas, a new pack of nickers, a toothbrush) for you and the kids, and just put yourself in the driving seat.

You do not deserve to live like this.
Being nice some of the time is not enough. And especially not when he gets to choose and you just have to buckle up for the ride.

Huge hugs x*x

[nbumblebee]

I love this post thank you.
Yeah i get all you are saying I really do but its just so hard when they are being so nice.
I often wonder why, how could they be so cruel on purpose?
Back to work now so lets see if he turns thats gonna be my point I think. Im telling myself if he turns once im back at work then I really cant hide nor pretend any longer can I.

[Gerbil]

Dear Nbumblebee
You have given so much support to so many of us on here. You are on a journey now ( or a ladder), you have seen the abuse and know the patterns, you just need to get stronger now and go further on that journey. Like yourself, over Christmas and NY, I realised that I too need to really push forward on this journey to get to my end goal…to leave!
Big hug x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi nbumblebee. It sounds to me that you’ve made a subconscious decision to leave. You said at the beginning of your post that you didn’t want to be in this situation this time next year. For all you said you can’t imagine life without him, you’re actually starting to slowly do just that. I was the exact same. Was so scared of not managing financially, yet it was me who dealt with all the finances in the house. Just keep taking your baby steps sweetheart, this is your journey, no one else’s.
You’re going through what is called cognitive dissonance, the brain is trying to make sense of two types of conflicting behaviour, the nice, attentive, saying good things about you man, and the horrible man that you know he can be, a proper Jekyll and Hyde. Just keep posting and learning about toxic behaviour. Is there a local women’s aid group near you? It took me weeks of being on here, before I found the courage to phone my local group, but they can help you see what you already know deep down. They’ll help you through every step of the way and it’ll be on your terms. They sometimes have an in-house solicitor, who will give you advice and peace of mind. It’s frightening choosing the next steps, like crossing a ravine on a wooden slatted rope bridge, but once you start that journey you’ll be amazed at the people who are there to help you. I had two women offer me a bedroom for as long as I needed, total strangers really, I had people on twitter who knew me, offer me help too. It was over whelming. Once you let others know what is going on, once the light starts to shine on the darkness, that cracks gets wider and wider.
He may also be picking up that you’re near your enough is enough moment, that is why he’ll be being nicer to you too.
Best wishes and good luck
IWMB 💞 💞

[nbumblebee]

@Gerbil @Iwantmeback and anyone else reading this, Thank you for all of your comments.
So a little update.
Hes been so nice as I said and actually a part of me thought maybe just maybe this wasnt abuse it was just him getting used to ne changing growing working and now he had. NOPE.
I went back to work and well he moaned and moaned. He has shouted at me as I have a (detail removed by Moderator). He said he was giving up whatever that means and has just been miserable not abusive just mean.
Im thinking he was nice as i was hone we were both home together i was where he wanted me. I promised myself that if he kicked off when i returned to work then that means its not me not ny fault that actually he is and this is so hard to even write I actually feel so so sick but actually hes abusive isnt he? Even writing it makes me feel so full of guilt and im tempted to delete it because Its not bad right now he only shouted but I fear theres more to come I have that knot in my tummy that we all know so well. Its not right its not right at all. Xxxx

[Gerbil]

Oh darling. I really feel for you. Yes it is abuse. Yes it’s not right. You should not feel guilty…you are not the one at fault!

[terribleheadspace]

For me I think a good indicator of the relationship is asking if my best friend or close loved one had my relationship and wanted advice what would I tell them?- give an honest answer.

Also what does your gut tell you, as I feel the amount of knowledge that you know indicates to me anyway your gut is telling you something or you wouldnt be here with such inner conflict.

I was lucky enough to have a friend that I could talk to and tell them, I needed to be honest with her, but what I didnt need was her to tell me to end it as I was not ready to. I expressed this to her and she listened which was invaluable when this situation can leave you so isolated.

I hope you have support like this.

Have you tried an outreach worker?

What you described is abuse. He is abusive. You are in the right place.

Another trap I got into with ‘good days’ was we would have such a nice day BUT he would insult me in a very subtle way, not respect boundaries and I thought that was a good day…. but hang on that’s not a good day, just because it’s not AS bad, doesnt mean its right and it’s totally not acceptable. So try to remember that on good days…. is the day actually a good day? As for me it wasnt, I just had to watch it more closely to realise. It’s scary also how quickly you can become accustomed to someone treating you a certain way that eventually you forget how any decent human being should treat you… with respect…. A good day with an abuser in my experience still entails abuse, it’s just not as loud.

Maybe ask yourself honestly…. have recent days really been good? Or have they just been less abusive?

Dont kick yourself for having feelings. The situation is so complex. Until I was in it, I had absolutely no idea how messed up this situation could be. How the bond is so strong and for me like fighting against myself constantly. Forgive yourself for feeling conflicted, you have done nothing wrong by feeling emotions… my advice is to keep feeding yourself with information and reaching out for support.

[nbumblebee]

@terribleheadspace Ive thought about what you said about if this was a friend of mine. Know what, Id tell her to run, run as fast and as far away as she could.
Id tell her to fight him at every turn to claw back a life that she deserved. Easier to say harder to believe its you that needs to hear this. I dont feel I deserve a better life I struggle with the good opportunities that have come my way at work lately Im so lucky and I feel like one day it will all come crashing down.
And yeab i also thought about good days and were they good? Nope he just didnt start thats all but I still watch my step watch what I say I guess I still cant be me whoever she may be.
Thank you for making me think I really appreciate it xxxx

[terribleheadspace]

I’m not sure if you feel the same way I felt, what I found and couldnt explain to people properly, I was 2 different people, the person in love and the person scared all at the same time. It felt like a constant inner conflict with myself, it’s what made me feel stuck, if fear was ruling through logic, I couldnt leave without a safety plan and the enormity of what that entails, so I was stuck… then enough time passed that my feelings for him got stronger again and then I was excusing his behaviour, still deep down feeling fear and knowing it was not right but just trying to push past it and that made me feel ill also.

I think the hardest part is realising that it’s all from the same person,it’s all the same relationship. Think when you realise you are living with abuse you cannot unsee it. You can pretend its not there but you know it is. So it feels like mess after mess after mess, nothing is clear, nothing is black and white as much as we try to segregate it to cope.

I think that’s where the downward spiral is. Well it was for me.

I came to the realisation that I was waiting to be 100% sure. 100% sure that my feelings were dead and that there was no hope and that I’d waited long enough to see if his behaviour would stop- this is impossible. You can never be 100% sure.

I say this though, my support took me out of the situation and I kicked back against part of that initially. If I had not had it, I think I would still be in the relationship.

I hope you have a better day today

[nbumblebee]

Gosh wow yes yes thats me it really is. Cabt thank you enough i really cant just feel like im crazy cause of how it always seemed like i am 2 people im so stuck.
Thank you helps to know im not actually crazy xxxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

nbumblebee you’ve had so many wonderful replies to your post, I cannot add much albeit I really see your mindset change and believe you will break free x

I relate to what you say about the good things in your life and that it’s temporary and won’t last.

My mindset is the same, I believe it’s because you have an uncertainty in your marriage you never know how long the good times will last. These good times get taken away by our abusers. It’s a pattern our brains recognise and to protect ourselves put this in place in other situations too. Just my take on it, might be how it’s working for you too. Add to this you doubting yourself too, feeling that you don’t deserve these good things as you’ve probably been told this too?

I’m really pleased work has helped you feel stronger, and giving you something that makes you feel good. From my own b experience when working with other people they spotted the abuse (not my husband, former partner) which helped me as I had a perspective from people who knew right from wrong.

Keep going you deserve this, you really do.

Hugs CB X

[nbumblebee]

Thank you xxxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi nbumblebee

There are probably words that all of us on the forum struggle to write, vocalise or realise. You don’t have to say them and you don’t have to feel awkward if you do say them.

To be honest, you don’t have to call it abuse if you struggle with the word. The word is really just a label. What is important is that you understand that his pattern of behaviour is damaging for you and I think that you do understand that. It is damaging you. His behaviour is harmful to you. That is the bottom line honey. You don’t have to lable it. xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much yes you are right I do understand he is hurting me most definatly yes.
Thanks for that I needed that today xxxx

[Lottieblue]

That’s a really good point from @Eggshells, about not using the actual word “abuse”. I knew that my husband’s behaviour was abusive, but out loud I used the word bully, as I felt people could relate to that better. It’s a word that throws quite a punch, and certainly describes part of how he behaved, but it doesn’t go anywhere near the manipulation, undermining, gaslighting… all those subtle things that gradually destroy you without you realising it’s happening.
But it was enough, actually, because married to a billy was justification enough to leave. To heal, I had to face (and am still trying to do so) all the other stuff and make sense of it.

Also, you referred to the guilt that you feel… remember about the FOG of abuse. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That was me. I acted out of one or the other of these three, always. They defined my every day.

And also, remember to go back to those diagrams of The Cycle of Abuse. Google it. I remember the very first time I posted on here, and KIP said “Google the Cycle of Abuse” and I did and I was really shaken. I also had been doing that “but he’s not nasty all the time” to try to justify his behaviour, and then I realise that it was all part of it. I realised that there was only so long (and for me it was a long time!) that I could go on telling myself that it wasn’t really that bad. It was.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Know what hes not been all that nice this weekend its been really tough but at the same time its reminded me how nasty he can be. Its not been violent hes just been mean ignoring me snapoing and just horrid then touching wanting sex its like he forgets how horrible he is and that Im just suplksed to forget too. Ive havent googled FOG im just too afraid of what I might read. Silly isnt it? If i dont read it I guess it cant apply to me. Xx

[Camel]

I agree with Eggshells – we don’t need to label it as abuse. I’m sure I’m not the only one who didn’t realise I was being abused until years after I got out. You don’t need to read everything there is about abuse and abusers, especially if doing so makes you feel worse, not better or stronger.

I remember how scared I was at the thought of living without him and I wonder now how I got to be that frightened little mouse. After all, I’d managed very well before I met him.

Maybe stop thinking about why he does what he does, whether or not it’s deliberate.

Maybe you should think solely about how you feel and what you want. Maybe picture coming home from work without your stomach in knots?

[nbumblebee]

Your last words there imagine coming homw without knots gosh how amazing would that be. As i drive up to my drive i hold my breath in case he has beaten me home. Ive not done wrong ive been to work but if i dare not to be home when he is well he is fowl.
99% its just words moaning shouting nasty comments but they cut deep dont they.
Id love to drive home looking foward to getting home putting my feet up having a rest but i fear this wont ever be me.
Thank you for giving me something to think about.

[StrongLife]

Imagine where you want to be in 5 yrs time, then 10 yrs.

Is it with this guy or elsewhere?

This was my thoughts on getting out – there was no way I was going to be for the rest of my life in this situation. I finally (it did take time) left – no way was I going to have that misery regardless of what it took.

[nbumblebee]

Trouble is for me im too scared to look ahead I dont wanna see because I dont believe I will ever leave and that just fills me with dread.
Its almost like Im too scared to dream x*x

[Camel]

I do hope you know that your experiences are just as valid as everyone else’s on the forum. You are not a fraud. We have all been where you are, in one way or another. Some of us are still there. You are under no pressure to do anything you don’t want to. The forum is a safe place where you can express yourself honestly. No one here is judging you so try not to judge yourself so harshly. Keep posting – nobody will mind if you’re saying the same things a year, or five years, down the line. x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much this I needed to hear. Xxxx

[Eggshells]

Very well said @Camel.

I think it can be very difficult to imagine anything outside of the bubble that your are in at the moment. I didn’t look ahead or imagine a free future. I don’t think women really leave because they’re dreaming of a better future. I suspect most just leave because they can’t take the abuse anymore or because they fear for their lives.

If you ever reach the point where you just break, so that you can’t handle it anymore, then you may want to leave. If you never reach that point then you may just stay forever. You just have to do what feels right for you in each moment.

I would recommend that you do get risk assessed on a regular basis though. You’re risk level can change very quickly without you realising it but a professional, on the outside, will be able to see if your situation has become dangerous and advise you accordingly.

[nbumblebee]

The more I do work wise the nastier he gets my counsellor says he is getting worse his anger seems to be growing at times. I am guessing this is what you mean by risk assessment?
As Ive said b4 apart from my counsellor and PT who I have for self harm nobody knows and I dont want to tell anyone including womans aid I cant still even now believe it myself so cant explain it to anyone. I dont believe he will harm me will he hit me? Yep but not beat me he wont do that so I think im safe.
Maybe thats it maybe thats why I dont leave as I dont fear for my life? I just carry on I know when he starts ranting that eventually it will stop the cycle will continue and he will eventually give me a rest. Gosh as i write that it sounds so sad. I put up with the bad for the hope of the good. Wow. Thats something to think about isnt it.
Many thanks eggshells your words as always have helped.
Sending hugs your way x*x

[Camel]

You don’t need to admit anything to women’s aid. It seems to me that you’ve already told your counsellor (and PT?) what he’s doing to you. They have warned you that he’s escalating. You know this too – you expect him to hit you but you’re hoping he’s willing to stop short of beating you. (detail removed by Moderator). But you should know that the calm after the storm cannot be called ‘good times.’ They’re just ‘not as bad times.’ And they don’t last. You recognise the cycle. You should record the cycle in a secret calendar. If the time between explosions is getting shorter it means he’s escalating.

[nbumblebee]

Yeah they are deffo getting shorter for sure I can see that already. Thank you Camel.
I need to stop denying this s**t.
Xxxxxx

[Eggshells]

A risk assessment is a set of questions designed to help professionals determine if you are in immediate danger. Most use a DASH risk assessment. You can Google the questions but to understand how to use them to make an accurate assessment you need to be properly trained so please don’t try to assess yourself.

I’m not sure that I necessarily see a difference between hitting and beating hon. I’m wondering where the line is, where it stops being hitting and becomes beating? I’m not trying to challenge you, I’m just genuinely wondering. xx

[nbumblebee]

@eggshells I knew as I wrote it how stupid it sounded. Its just an occasional shove push elbow or a grab so I always tell myself its nothing. I do think if he could he would go further if he could get away with it he definatly would. I think i jist want to tell myself its not that bad just another way to deny it all I guess I didnt mean to caise offence sorry sweetie you are of course right none of it is right none of it. Thank you xxxxxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi hon.

No, you didn’t cause offence, honestly that wasn’t why I asked. We all have different ideas on the forum and I just wondered where the boundaries were between a hit and a beating were.

I think my boundaries were very off kilter. Even repeated rapes didn’t register as abuse for me!

We tell ourselves whatever we need to tell ourselves to help us cope. There’s no judgement or offence, just curiosity and hugs for you. 😘

[nbumblebee]

🩷 Me either eggshells no matter how many people say it I wont.
Thank you you made me think about that myself about how far hes gotta go before I do. Ive never thought about that before.
Much love n hugs to you 🩷

[Author]

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