I see it happening to someone else

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I left my husband a few years ago and my new partner is now having problems with his sister who has anxiety and depression. I see parallels in her behaviour and my ex husband’s and I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to react to her behaviour. My partner explained to his sister, how hard he was finding her behaviour and she responded by saying, “so I’m a monster” which is exactly what my husband used to say to me, to make me feel guilty for expressing myself. When my partner struggles to cope with her hypochondria, her response is to say that her life isn’t worth living. Similarly, my husband used to threaten to leave me whenever I tried to express my feelings or jump off a cliff. I now find it hard to sympathise with her and this is impacting on my relationship with my partner. Should I be more sympathetic towards her?

[minimeerkat]

this will naturally be very triggering for you. but i wonder if it would help you to tell yourself that you are now ‘safe’ so that the behaviour you are seeing in this other person does not affect you as severely? its also possible that if you care deeply about your partner you will probably be wanting to protect him as well knowing how much damage these particular people can cause
is your partner aware of how much this is troubling you & why, because being open & honest about your feelings might just make a difference in some way if he knows – especially if you are bottling any of this up
it sounds as if your partner is having a hard time dealing with this, so if he means a lot to you it might help your relationship if you could support him with what he is going through – but only you know whether you are able to actually do this x

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for your reply. He has now opened up to her about how difficult he is finding things. I have decided that sometimes I just need to take a step back and be honest to him that I don’t want to be involved, then other times I will listen and try not to interject too much. I do think my experiences with my husband have helped him to see things in a different way and he no longer blames himself for things which is positive. He’s far more likely to stand up for himself. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Just wanted to add that I did finally pluck up the courage to watch back the meeting. It was in fact fine, and a few things he’d said I did were, in fact a different person. It made me realise that for some reason he is pergaps feeling threatened by me. Be it more qualifications, I’m (detail removed by moderator) older, experience, I don’t know… but I finished watching the meeting with my confidence back and head held high again. I also arranged a meeting with him and my union rep.

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