I should have known it would start again

[anotherlife]

Sorry I’m posting on here again. I just need to vent as I’m feeling alone. It’s started again (detail removed by moderator), the picking and snapping started. Then (detail removed by moderator) he blew up and stormed out of the house, not even speaking to the kids, then to return in the evening as if nothing has happened. Then up and down since, picking at me. He’s often on at my young daughter.
Today he’s kicked off again (verbally). It’s like we’re back to the worst part of last year and it’s falling apart. In many ways, I don’t want to be with him anymore but I also don’t want to be in the middle of this and the kids to be affected. As usual, as he’s being really horrible to me, he’s started being nice to the kids!
So I’m going to phone Women’s Aid on Monday if I can get through and see if I can get some legal help too. Holiday (detail removed by morator) and he says he’s going to take the kids on his own – I don’t really care but I don’t want them away from me for a week. I can see that it’s going to get nasty, he’s so stubborn and strong willed and I’m so much weaker, I have no job after redundancy and health issues that mean I can’t work fail time and am struggling to find a job. I (detail removed by moderator) live with so much pain, but all he seems to mention is that I’m not physical with him and this makes me cold. I just wish I could fast forward a year and be out of here.
How do single mums cope with little money? I don’t know what I’ll be able to get and where I’ll end up living. I love charity shops etc but it’s the bills I worry about and making sure the children are ok and not torn apart by this. I just hate it being like this. I just don’t even like him anymore. He’s nice to people out of the house and generous and they all think he’s nice, but he’s a bully and controlling and I hate the way he is with us all.

[KIP.]

Nothing ever changes for long with abusers. He’s telling you he will take the kids on his own because he knows this is the best way to upset you. If you told him that it’s a great idea to give you a weeks peace and quiet, he would turn around and change the goal posts. I can’t imagine someone like that would really enjoy being on his own with the kids for a week? It would certainly give you a chance to speak to a solicitor and find your local women’s aid and get help and advice. They can help with housing and advise you on benefits etc. I’m sure if you found out what you were entitled to, it would put your mind at ease. My mental health was a wreck with my abuser. I contemplated suicide many times. We can’t think straight when we are abused. Seriously consider letting him take the kids for a week, obviously if it’s safe to do so. And use that time to get your ducks in a row.

[anotherlife]

Thank you KIP, he seriously messes with my head, part of the controlling behaviour – feeling so nervous before he arrives home sometimes, literally making my arms tingle with nervousness. When a very close neighbour was very ill years ago, he was moody because I was feeling upset and had such a go at me the day she passed away, just before we found out she had died. He speaks to his mother like something off his shoe. Speaks to the kids however he feels. I got so low last year that I thought they might all be better off without me, as I was made to feel such a burden. He dragged me down that low. He drives like an idiot and doesn’t care if we’re being thrown around. If I didn’t have to see him again, I wouldn’t – I just wish the kids didn’t have to either. He’s playing them against me now, being extra nice to them. Only ever does it when he falls out with me.
I want to get an appointment with my local women’s aid, I really need to talk to someone.
It’s ridiculous how things can start out so perfectly when we are young and life turns out like this. We were the perfect couple, he was so genuine and gentle. He’s like a completely different person. I know I’m not a ray of sunshine but I don’t deserve to be treated like this and accused of acting in ways that I don’t and having him talk over me, interrupt me and make me feel this bad. Thank you for your hell KIP

[Ayanna]

You need to find a way to get rid of him.
If you do not work he has to pay you maintenance.
Get all the advice you need and make a plan how to discard of him.
You do not deserve such bad treatment.
When you can think clearly you will have more energy to fight for a better treatment by the health care service.

[Tiffany]

I suffered from continual chronic pain when I was with my abuser. I have a chronic condition that causes pain, so I didn’t think there was a correlation. But when I left the pain gradually decreased to a point where it impacts my day to day life a couple of times a month instead of multiple times every day. I was so worried about how I would manage if I left as a disabled woman only able to work part time. A year on and I am working full time and able to support myself. Obviously your transformation may not be so dramatic, but living with abusers can cause us physical pain even if they aren’t physically abusive. Ring women’s aid and find out what support you can get assuming that your conditions continue as they are, but know also that there is hope when it comes to chronic pain, in leaving.

[KIP.]

My ex used to drive like a maniac to scare me too. It’s very common for them to do this. Even with my son in the back. Sick people. You deserve better.

[anotherlife]

So today: I am a liar, I should shut my mouth, I should get out, he’s going to cancel my (detail removed by moderator)and I can pay for it myself, he’s going on holiday without me b it with the kids (I think they’ll be OK as he’s being extra nice to them), he’s let them on screens nearly all day and told me off for asking them to come off as its a lovely sunny day, both are still in pyjamas and on screens, he’s had a go at me for going for a walk this morning even though I asked them both, moaned because I didn’t ask him and we could have all gone together (hello, was he even speaking to me, ignoring me apart from when he has a go so why would I ask him when he’s slobbing on the sofa watching tv?!), (detail removed by moderator), the list goes on, he’s doing his own tea but I can do the kids, I’ve done some housework and other stuff but he called our house a s***hole (detail removed by moderator)! He doesn’t want us to sit down with someone for a calmer conversation as it’s a waste of time as I don’t love him, I’m selfish, etc, etc
Sorry I just had to vent. I really didn’t think it would get this bad again and so quickly. I’ll call WA tomorrow, I really hope I can get through to them, I can’t take much more of this. I’m

[KIP.]

I’ve been where you are. You are doing nothing wrong. He is just picking on anything and using it to have a go at you. It’s getting worse because he senses you’re standing upto him. You are onto his game so he will up the abuse to get you upset. They can change the goal posts and their moods in an instant. Meaning there is no depth to their emotions. It’s all one big act.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs xx

Its a night mare situation for you, abusers make us feel inadequate and unable to survive without them. In truth we can even on a limited income we can survive and without constant criticism we become stronger (its not a smooth journey but one worth taking)

Knowledge is power, start looking into your rights, benefits, everything and anything that will help your future.

Above all you do not deserve the treatment your getting.

FS xx

[Lisa]

Hi Anotherlife,

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry for your situation. You are not to blame for his behaviour and it is unacceptable. It must be a very stressful situation for you and your children. I really hope you can get hold of the helpline tomorrow at a safe time for you and that the helpline can talk you through all your options so you don’t feel so trapped. Please don’t let him know that you are reaching out for support as it may mean that he escalates his abuse. Rights of Women website on http://www.row.org.uk would also be a good place for finding out your options.

We are all here for you so please let us know how you get on after speaking to the helpline. The helpline can be very busy so if you need to then leave them a message with a safe time to call you back (eg. ‘between 10am and 12 noon) and they will return your call and often very quickly as they check their voicemail all the time.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[anotherlife]

Thank you everyone, it really helps to have this safe place and to read your comments. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. It’s unbelievable. He seems to be really trying to get to me which I told him is making me defensive. It’s like he’s trying to rile me to show that I’m in the wrong and he’s all nice to the kids. I wish there was chance to talk without them here as although I don’t want to smooth it over this time (after the things he’s said today, how could he ever say he loves me?! It’s all rubbish), it would be easier to discuss things. He’s removed stuff from the house, trying to upset me, telling me he won’t pay for anything anymore. They have it so easy, they work as normal while we run around trying to do the best for our kids, then start this kind of behaviour knowing our income isn’t like theirs anymore, or ever was. Another abound of power to hold over me.
Thank you everyone & I will put a comment on tomorrow to say how I get on xx

[KIP.]

Don’t waste your time trying to negotiate with him. He will twist and lie and try to break you. My ex cancelled all the direct debits from the account and told me I would have to pay half. When he knew I had a much smaller income. He was prepared to do all this just to try and get me back to the submissive little woman I’d been for years but the fog was clearing and I understood he was trying to destroy me as the abuse got worse and worse. This was financial abuse. He really is escalating and it’s not safe for you. Being nasty to you and nice to the kids is like triangulation with another woman I think. Trying to bring out pangs of jealousy. Hoping in their tiny minds we will want them back. While trying to get the kids on his side. They don’t understand by this stage too much damage has been done. Using the children is a wicked nasty tactic. My ex did the same. Please work on getting out safely.

[anotherlife]

Thank KIP, I can’t and won’t give in this time. He’s so angry because I’m answering back and just trying to defend myself from his nasty outbursts, but in another way, I’m trying not to as I told him, it’s just a waste of time as all we are doing is argue. I know he’s going to get nasty & pretend to be superior. He’s cooking nice food for himself as he knows I’m not a good cook, so it’s just to make a point! I can see what he’s doing and whatever he gets up to now, there’s no way on earth I want this to settle down as I know it will just happen again. I’ve left a message for the helpline to call me back but I’m a bit stuck with times today, I hope I can talk to them. I feel quite string in a way when he’s here and the kids, but as soon as I think of talking about it or try to, I’m breaking down.
I hate that he has this financial hold over me but he’s shown his true colours finally and there is only one way, which is forward. I know I’ll struggle a lot as he’s made me feel so bad over the years and down trodden, I have little confidence but underneath I know I am a kind person and I love my kids and family and that’s all that matters. I will do right for the,, not take it out on them or use them as bait / tactics like him. Sorry to waffle on, it’s just helping me to get this out.
I’m so thankful for this site, on days and nights when I’m feeling lost, I know I can look here for support. I’m just waiting for him to start switching the Internet off from his phone etc, I’ll put nothing past him now. He thinks he’s so clever, asking me if I’ve found a job yet when he knows I haven’t. The list goes on.

[Anonymous]

Hi anotherlife.. regards him driving wrecklessly this is typical of an abuser. My ex once drove wrecklessly with his autistic son in the car and me. On this occassion my son were only pre school age and we were on our way to hospital he said he were going to kill us all. At this time we wernt together again but i needed him to transport us as at that time i couldnt drive. He wanted to punish us for kicking him out. It seemed to be one of his specialities driving like a maniac.. thank god i cut him out of our lifes for good. They dont change ever… they just cause mayhem wherever they go… no contact all the way x*x

[anotherlife]

I’ve spoken to a lovely advisor from Women’s Aid today and will be calling our nearest branch tomorrow to book an appointment as soon as possible. She was so lovely and reassuring. I’ve also made an appointment with my GP after talking to one of the doctors on the phone, he said I should definitely go and see them. I was feeling quite strong at the weekend, even though he was trying to break me down, but I’m feeling so shaky today as I have time to think and keep worrying what will be next. I’ll keep looking in the posts on this site to remind me to stay strong. Also, thank you Icandothis and everyone else x

[KIP.]

The more the fog cleared and the more I realised he was actually a dangerous p********h, the more terrified I became. My anxiety went off the scale. We live in denial and survivor mode.

[anotherlife]

I’m really anxious today. I’ve spoken to another lovely WA advisor and am seeing solicitor soon. But I’m worried about his temper at the moment and how it will affect the kids when they find out that he doesn’t want me on holiday with them. I feel they’re safe to go as he’s being super nice to them but I had to tell my mum what was going in today and she said there’s no way she would let them go and now I’m in a panic! I’m sure he’ll look after them as he needs to prove he can be a nice dad and likes to show off anyway. I’m just worried that when I tell them or ask him to sit and discuss is with them, he’ll flip out and try to turn it round on me. I felt quite strong yesterday but really not today, but I think that’s because of the flash of reality. I have a lovely neighbour (lady a bit younger than me) who definitely ‘wears the trousers’ at home, as the old saying goes. I wish I was like her and there’s no way he could walk over me. But I’m going to tell her what’s going on so I have someone close by incase it gets bad or I need to leave the children with her for a bit. I feel like I’m creeping around and walking on eggshells but he can take the blame for all of this. No one should ever be made to feel like this. No matter how hard it gets, I’ve got to hang in there and keep him away from me as much as possible and in the end, we can move on. He’ll probably get a new car, a new house and a new woman but I don’t care. I just want to be away from him.

[anotherlife]

PS I clear my browsing history after every use, but is there any way he could access what I look on / at?

[Lisa]

Hi anotherlife,

With regards to covering your tracks online this information might be helpful:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Best wishes,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Hang in there. Tell as many people as you can. Abusers thrive on silence. I actually cancelled a weekend away towards the end because I couldn’t bare to be away with him when it was just him and I as I knew he would take that opportunity when I couldn’t escape to abuse me further. Don’t go. Tell the kids that you do not wish to go and see what they say. I suspect they may not want to go anyway without you. Even if they do, he’s cutting his nose off to spite his face and I wonder if he will cancel it all together. He will want to keep an eye on you which is what my ex did. If you have to make an excuse, just tell the kids your are too unwell. Which isn’t a lie.

[anotherlife]

I don’t believe it, but actually I do as I can see it’s a cycle. I dreaded him coming home tonight and me trying to get him to be civil so we (well , I) could talk to the children about the holiday. He’s arrived home and decided to be reasonable before I asked the above. Initially he told me that we should call it a day and he’d book a solicitor. To which I said go ahead. Then he backtracked and tried to explain all his behaviour and the fact (calmly for a change) that he felt unloved etc etc. I can see some sides of what he’s said but I’ve said over and over tonight about his temper and how it makes me feel. I can see him panicking now and feeling upset but I had my life thrown it in the air at the weekend and he didn’t care how I felt. Now he says they won’t go without me. I don’t want him touching me. He’s trying to lay the decision with me about our relationship but I thought it was over and I wanted it to be. I don’t know how we could get over all these episodes.
We’ve given up for now as it’s late and it’s going nowhere. I don’t want him even to hug me anymore, not that he really did. He knows I don’t quite know what to say. He’s realised this could be over and I think he thought I’d just give in like the last times. I’m not trying to be awkward or cruel but he’s so unfair to have been like this and then try to justify it all and then it’ll be my fault if the family falls apart. I just wanted out. I can see how women are manipulated and change their minds. That’s where I am at the moment. I’m feeling weak even though I don’t want to be with him. I just wanted it to end, have whatever we have to go through and get a new little home for me and the kids. It seems impossible right now. I can’t believe I worried all day (really really anxious) and he’s come home to try all this.

[KIP.]

Exactly what mine did when I called his bluff and ended it. When he couldn’t beg, manipulate, threaten, bully, buy, promise, blackmail, plead, cry or twist his way out of it. He became violent. Be very careful. He’s going nowhere. It’s upto you to get a solicitor and get things moving because he won’t. And he will make it as difficult as he can. My ex tried to justify his behaviour and blame me. Don’t fall for it. It’s confusing and exhausting trying to deal with an abuser. They are liars.

[Author]

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