I shouldn't have said anything

[Serenity]

I was so good for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years, not saying a word against my ex to the kids. I wanted them to find out their own truth. I didn’t want to control their minds and stoop to his level.

Then last week, both my kids were upset about a contact. I sensed that he was up to his old tricks and causing competition between the boys. My heart sank. He was back to his old method of abuse.

I did not say anything to my youngest, but my eldest was acting all bolshy ( dad’s influence) and I needed to call a spade a spade. He is legally of the age where he could move out, so I needed to tell him that the behaviours his dad’s as encouraging was wrong.

Stupid thing to do. I sense that he relayed it to my ex, because this week my eldest has been very rude to me, saying things to me that sound like my ex’s words- horrible and disrespectful- and on the other hand he is acting guilty, bringing me cups of tea.

Now I feel so, so guilty. My so. Is getting drawn into a battle ( my ex wants a battle- I don’t) and of course it is upsetting him. What I said was says out of concern and exasperation- I asked if his dad was causing problems between him and his brother.

Now I feel like I have stooped to his level. My eldest had much more respect for me whilst I acted like I was above it all. I had the moral high ground. I only said it in a split second- but that’s all it took.

I think I’ve encouraged my ex to stir things.

I want to return to being above it all.

Have I been stupid? On the other hand, if I don’t intervene in the abuse, the kids will be victimised by him. I wanted to warn my eldest.

Oh, it’s so hard.

Maybe to punish me he is taking the kids abroad.

I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth.

[Healthyarchive]

don’t be so hard on yourself Serenity you are mainly dignified and keep your cool with your boys regardless of what the ex is doing. Everybody has slips up, it would be robotic to not have one or two slip ups. All from what you have said you are bringing up your sons very well. Did you give any more thought to the holiday he is planning to take them on and what if any action you plan to take beforehand concerning their safety?

[Serenity]

Thanks, HA,

Yes, I do manage to keep dignified virtually all the time, hard though it is. I think it needed saying- but I won’t be mentioning his name again if I can help it- it works best to just carry on trying to be a good mum, but sometimes you are pushed to explode.

I can’t prevent the kids going on holiday with him as it would be seen as parental alienation, but I am will take all precautions. I will take copies of their passports, I am going to look up the advice from the Home Office and I will be looking up Reunite’s pages. Thank you for asking about that. Spending two weeks with him could go one of two ways: it could help the eldest see him for who he is, or he could be negatively influenced. Xx

[Healthyarchive]

I wonder if your ex will ever soften towards you, not want to get back together with you, but realize how great you have brought up your boys & develop more respect for you? This is likely to require being decent & normal, do you think he has any of that in him at all? Him spending two weeks with them on holiday will be an opportunity for him to get to know them more too, see how great they are.

[Serenity]

I am afraid not. I have realised that he thinks being decent and honest is stupid: it’s far cleverer to manipulate and cheat people and cut corners, in his eyes. He would be more likely to try to lead the boys astray and to become like him.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

NO he wont ever stop going easy, this is where they get the kicks, please hold on to how strong u r, i know sometimes we dont feel it but others can see it more than ourselves, u r very strong minded , so what if u had blipp and told the kids he was evil or whatever comment u made, reflect on this and think how u will deal with it next time, use this as an opportunity to see how your kids reacted. Yes next tiem u need to use another techniqure, but dont feel bad abotu preparing them i would say for what to expect from there dad, we just have to do indirectly, so if i sound rude, byt carry on ignoring (detail removed by Moderator), u doing a brill job with your kids, he would never recognise that as he is too busy doing opposite. Sending hugs out to u, will send u motivation quotes later via whats app . Have a great day sweetie

[Ayanna]

Hmm, I think your kids need to know the truth. If they do not like it they have to deal with it anyway.
I would tell them what kind of a monster that man is and have no regrets.
I would stand up to them if they misbehaved.

[Serenity]

Thank you, Confused. Yes, we all have our off days. I think it’s good to let the kids know I am worried about them. I just don’t want to get caught up in his war.

Ayanna- thing about my ex is, if I am direct, he uses it against me. It works better Ido encourage my kids to be aware of bullring in general and to learn to stand up for themselves. However, I think
Sometimes I need to remind hem of hatchet dad might be capable of X

[Peaceful Pig]

I agree that you’re being way too hard on yourself. I would rather teach my children to have open, questioning minds and be sure they don’t internalise their father’s treatment of them, thinking it must be their fault. It’s a delicate balance, but I don’t believe saying nothing is the answer. I try to stick to questions rather than judgements where possible but I’m a rubbish liar and they’re intelligent kids so I guess they know I’m not impressed by their dad’s behaviour but I’m glad they know I’ll stand up for them and that they’re worthy of protection. Something I never experienced. You are doing just fine. Back to self-compassion now! X

[Serenity]

Thank you, all.

Now the dust has settled, I am glad in a way that I expressed my concern, though I agree with you PP- the best way is to ask the kids questions – not come out with judgements.

That way, they can develop their own awareness.

Thank you very much for all your help X

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