I sound so cold… Was it really as bad as I thought

[Starmoon]

After Monday’s events, I’ve got a caf being opened up. I’m going for an initial assessment with a phycolagist next week which I’ve been waiting for since last year. I got the cmht involved last year when i had a brake down and thought this was all me.. My heads been a total mess, broken when he leaves me. Elated when he comes back… Broken the next time he leaves… And feeling less and less. My health visitor has told me to gather what texts or emails I have from him.. As some form of proof of the abuse. I’ve been looking threw a few of them…. And I feel like I was so cold towards him when he left… I blamed him for our relationship ending sometimes… And then sometimes he would send hundreds of messeges asking me to get back with him and I was sending one word replies… I know during those times I was trying to stay strong and not take him back because I believed he would just brake me again… I’m just so confused. If anything those messeges just make me look like I didn’t care at all. But I know I was utterly distraught at the time. Ultimately I always did take him back but he always ended it with me a few months or even weeks later

[Ayanna]

You question yourself too much. See him as what he is.
You tried to get out and kept forgiving him. That is because you are a good person and you never gave up hope.
I hope that you have now realized what kind of person he is and that you focus on your children and yourself and kick him out of your lives. x*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Starmoon

To survive I removed myself emotionally from people, family, friends, pets. I was scared to show any like or carrying from anyone or anything as he would stop me access to them or it.

Don’t punish yourself for what he did to himself.

You and your children deserve better.

FS xx

[Starmoon]

Thank you ladies… Now I’m reading the verbally abusive relationship.. Allot is becoming more clear. For the first time ever. Thank you for saying its because I’m a good person that I did take him back… I hadn’t looked at it like that. I think we are all too nice (not that such a think as being ‘too’ nice should be perceived as a bad thing) and that’s the problem. Now I am able to look back over things and pinpoint even the tiny trickles of abuse that came in. And as my health visitor suggested- I’m righting them all down.
I think it’s going to be a slow slow road to recovering from this but for the first time ever- I am almost 99% sure I do not want him back and that he is evil

[Author]

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