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first of all i am so grateful to have found this forum because keeping my issues and what i experienced to myself for over two years now has caused me so many issues and having the courage to find a release feels like a weight is being removed from my shoulders.
i have been out of it for (detail removed by moderator) and i still replay what i endured in my sleep and cry myself to sleep trying to process it or still wake up having panic attacks dreaming about it. it was a slow and almost unnoticeable process of how my relationship got to what it did and the majority of it i did not notice until looking back and i am now in the process of trying to understand and process it.
my boyfriend was incredibly pushy during our relationship and would insist “you’ll enjoy it” “it’ll fine” during times i wasn’t interested having sex or would basically ignore me saying no until it got too embarrassing to the point of declining it that i had to go along with it to basically get it over and done with. over the course of (detail removed) he’d continually try to do things to me when i was asleep and i would “pretend” to be asleep and he would precede with things. if i ever woke up and asked him to stop he would insist his hand was simply comfortable resting there or a stupid response and 20 minutes later it would go back to the same thing.
i think me being a pushover (i am still unsure if i was a pushover or simply unaware someone i love could do this to me) was a slow gradual build until we went on holiday together and he preceded to have sex with me disregarding my pleading not to to the point of my body flying into a panic attack due to being unable to push the weight of him off me and i began to scream and cry whilst it was happening. it only lasted for around 25 seconds which is why my brain downplays or struggles to comprehend if what really happened to me can be classed as sexual assault or if i wasn’t stern enough or forceful enough in maintaining my ground. the holiday also ended with me having to leave the country myself and him insisting that if i ever thought he was capable of what he did to me he would kill himself and that it was a misunderstanding on my part. things were never the same from then and my brain could never understand why. i never told anyone and around (detail removed) later after i broke up with him due to the underlying trauma that i was beginning to take an extreme toll on me from this event and i became extremely scared of him although i wasn’t sure why i was feeling that way until it suddenly clicked one day and i had to get out of the relationship.
i still don’t know if it’s worthwhile talking to someone professionally about this, i often downplay what happened, still think i’m insane and that i’ve painted him out to be this horrible person in my head, or think my situation does not “qualify” as being worthwhile enough to talk to someone about because people have been through so much worse. it is also now carrying onto my new relationships or becoming close with anyone because i am so terrified of being taken advantage of again like that or people going against my consent or my body flying into a panic attack even in a normal intimate situation.
i have held this inside for so long and i just need to vent or ask for advice on how to process what i experienced. thank you so much
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This is definitely rape hun xx can you call rape crisis. Someone pining u down is force. We often read about the brutality of rape and we think of bruised and injuries but rape is rape and it deeply scars emotionally. I’ve always said I’ve never been raped but I have come close a few times and still underplay that. Try to call rape crisis they can offer u the proper support for you x*x love diymum
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thank you so much. i suffered bleeding the next day but from what spiraled afterwards and the continual guilt that he was going to kill himself if he thought i believed he was capable of that made me sweep what i experienced under the rug and somehow want to look out for him instead and protect his reputation. when we broke up and i had mentioned that it was something that i struggled to accept and move on from i just got “really, this again” “i thought we were comfortable with eachother”
Hearing that from an outside perspective with no knowledge on my life whatsoever gives me so much validation on what i went through and somehow makes me feel so much more at peace on how to begin the process of moving on from or it learning to deal with it. i am still trying to work up the courage to seek professional help but you have no idea how much that response has helped me
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Hi there Cupidcore, welcome to the forum. Well done for sharing that with us, we know how difficult it can be to start to disclose the abuse, particularly as you have been dealing with the trauma of what has happened. Diymum is absolutely right, what you describe throughout your post is sexual abuse and rape. I understand that this can be difficult to take in.
From your posts, I can see that you are building up towards accessing some professional support. Don’t underestimate what a big step it is to start posting here.
You can find out more about Rape Crisis and the support they could offer you here
Your local domestic abuse service would be able to offer some ongoing support, you can find their details here
Best wishes
Lisa
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Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. It’s made me realise even more that my husband did rape me.came up with the similar excuses, said the you’ll love it once we get started sh..e😪 I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to accept it was rape even though I know it was, if this makes sense. It’s made me so sad but also more resolute to get him out of my life for good, as soon as I’ve been rehoused. Why do these men do this, why do they think continuing to have sex with someone who obviously doesn’t want them to is okay?
I’m so sorry that you and every other woman has had to endure this type of ‘love’.
IWMB 💞💞 -
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