I still “check up” on my abuser

[purrpurr]

Quite a long time ago, I went no-contact with the person who groomed and coerced me as a young woman. Every year since then they’ve still sent me the occasional email, which I’ve always read but never responded to. I didn’t get a happy Christmas one from them this year, and for some reason I feel disappointed — like I wish I was still special to them, or something?

Every so often I’ll Google their name. I’m not sure what I’m looking for.

They (detail removed by Moderator) a little while ago (they’re not famous, just FYI), which I watched. I didn’t feel much when I saw them, just a sort of mild hatred.

I’m not exactly sure what I’m getting from all this, and I wish I could just forget they existed. It’s like they still have some power over me.

Does anyone else do this kind of thing?

[Lisa]

Hi purrpurr,

I don’t think it’s that unusual to feel this pull to check up on someone in this way. You’re not alone in doing this. I’m not sure what need is being fulfilled by it, but there will be some need that’s being met, perhaps it’s providing a sense of safety or reassurance in some way. It can take a really long time to fully process traumatic experiences and can be scary to move on to a life that’s past them. It’s okay to take as long as you need. It can’t help that they periodically get in touch with you, keeping that connection open even a little bit.

If you’re feeling distressed by the fact you’re doing this and want to change it, you could maybe think of some other activity you could do whenever you get the urge to check up on them. If there’s something new you want to learn or a special interest you have, you could indulge in that instead. You might also like to speak to a counsellor/therapist to help you explore what need is being met here and be supported to find other ways to meet it. You could speak to your GP about available support or, if you’re in England, you can search on the NHS website for a local talking therapies service.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[StrongLife]

No I don’t specifically know anything about them. It took a while. For all I know they moved away. I just would not know.

I went no response a while back on any calls / txt.

I don’t google etc. No idea. It has been some time.

That was end of that.

[Author]

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