I still live in fear

[Dobedo]

After all that, finally leaving, I still live in fear and shame.
I gave up all my PTSD counselling quite recently, it was far too unbearable. I still live in fear of repercussions from my reporting him to the police.
Nobody tells you that even after you’ve walked the plank and reported him to the police, gone to court, said your piece; its never really going to be ok ever again.

I live in constant fear of intimate pictures of myself appearing online. I don’t want to admit the number of times I’ve googled my name with the word ‘nude’ with the safe search off. He threatened me with publishing pictures of me in the latter part of my relationship and it kept me quiet. My parents were very strict and were outraged that I’d had sex before marriage even, the idea of pictures like that even existing, if they do, absolutely terrifies me, let alone the thought of them being published online.

Things that never even occurred to me to be self-conscious about now absolutely mortify me. I’m so very aware of how many years of my youth are now gone, during and after the relationship. I worry that even if I manage to do well after all this, repair my life and do well in my career, the pictures will make a timely appearance and my life fall apart again, though even more so because I will be shamed completely.

It something I was so angry about, that no one knew and no one cared, my bruises were hidden, but I dread the day anyone sees pictures of me like that.

[Lisa]

Hello Dobedo,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what you’re going through with us. I’m sure many women here on the forum can empathise with that sense of fear and dread that stays with us long after the relationship has ended. It sounds like you’ve been through, and are going through, a lot.

I just wanted to mention an organisation that might be useful for you based on what you’ve described. The Revenge Porn Helpline are a specialist service who offer support and advice to those who have been victim of, or been threatened with, unconsensual intimate image sharing (revenge porn). https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[swanlake]

That sounds a huge mix of emotions. My family have no moral compass at all but I believe now that I was groomed and manipulated into doing all kinds of things by my abuser. I had such low self esteem and little sense of identity that I went along with anything.
Counselling can be a challenging process so it’s good that you’re taking time out.

[StrongLife]

I too years later live with fear of him finding my address and house. This is many years later after him finding me (detail removed by Moderator) time.
Recently it has resurfaced. It is slowly disappearing now.
My confidence hit rock bottom over this.
I too understand the idea of yrs spent dealing with this. Court and moving house and finding a more settled life only to have it interrupted again.

[Author]

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