i still think, was i happier with him?

[pasta]

I’m really missing being in a relationship. Maybe because it was the only one I’ve had.

I know all the horrible things he’s done like emotional manipulation, abuse, hurt my neck, restrained me, hurt my hands, my nose ‘by accident’ (is that physical abuse?). silent treatment but telling me he still wanted to be with me and never wated to break up over the course of a month. got back together and borke up with me on the phine for good and not really spoke since.

It’s been months. I can’t talk to him cos he never replied to messages so I went no contact. Recently blocked him off social media after staying off it for months and he hadn’t even tried to message me in all that time.

He makes me feel like I was discarded like a piece of s**t. What did I do that was that bad? He still hasn’t told me. This isn’t a normal break up. It isn’t how someone with decency would ever behave.

I have had counselling, but not specifically for the abuse and I feel like I would benefit from it but don’t know where to get it from.

I know I am free ect and I should be happier. But I still think maybe I was happier with him? I stayed with him despite all the abuse. So I must have been happier with him than on my own. He was the one that ditched me not me him so I must have been bad to be with.

He made me feel like any emotions I have are invalid and that I used him as an emotional crutch. So now I feel like I can’t confide in anyone without being called psycho. I cant have a normal wobble.

He’s done me so much damage.

Despite all that I just want to be with someone. I miss being with someone. I can’t even miss the sex because it’s all tainted by how bad he’d treated me.

Please help if you can by cheering me up or giving me words of wisdom as I’m feeling lost. Days off are the worst as I need to be with someone.

[KIP.]

Hey there, come on here and have a wobble anytime you feel like it. We all understand what you’re going through. It will take time to recover from the awful head games these men play. Perhaps phone the helpline on here and speak to someone who understands. Next time you have a day off, plan something really nice for yourself. Try to fill those days with something until this feeling passes. There is a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. It might help to read up a little about abusive behaviour. To understand that it was nothing you did wrong. You just met a dysfunctional individual who is not wired correctly. A real lucky escape. It took me decades to work it out. Stay strong and focussed on moving forward X it does become easier.

[pasta]

thanks 🙂 I’ve tried phoning them but they are always busy. I’ve got two weeks off coming up but I get daunted trying to find things to fill my days. i’m always trying to plan things, but my friends cant be around all the time. sometimes it hurts just being in my own brain. when really myself should be my most cherished thing. I dunno if that makes sense. when will these feelings ever go away forever? I get that it was a lucky escape but it it taking so long for my brain to accept it fully. thanks. I just wish he’d told me why he ditched me?

[FightingTheDarkness]

Hello lovey.

I read you or post and it made me feel so sad for you. Believe when I say you didn’t do anything wrong. They play a disgusting mind game with you that makes you feel like you’re the bad one who cannot do anything right, that you’re the reason they’re acting up, when really it’s them and their incomplete lives which they secretly hate.

A positive step you’ve taken is to block him on social media. This is a good way to not have a form of contact with him. I completely understand what you’re going through. I am at the start of a divorce after I put up with a ridiculous amount of bullying and mental and physical torture from my husband and mother in law. They make you feel ps**hotic just for having feelings and emotions. There is nothing wrong in wanting to lean on your significant other for a shoulder to cry on. Emotions are real, they’re not drama. You said it yourself, it isn’t how someone with decency would behave.

Sometimes we never get closure. But the best way to move on is to focus on yourself. Do your hair, nails, makeup, wear clothes that make you feel good and face the world and people. Be around family and friends, ones that love you and get back to feeling that you deserve love and support. More importantly, love yourself​, love being in your own company. Nights for me are bad, but I try my hardest to think of good things in my life, and try to look at the positive aspects of that day.

I also doubt you were happier with him. Yes you may have had happy moments, but there is no excuse for mental and physical abuse. You may miss the good times, and that’s perfectly normal. But also focus on what he put you through, accept why you need to move on, that you need to live life and not just survive it, why you don’t need closure from a poor excuse of a human being, and why you actually deserve to be loved without being made to feel this way by anyone else again. I hope you find something peace soon. And when you feel low, just post again on here!xx

[pasta]

hiya.

thanks sorry for being a pity party! i’m not always this low but yesterday was a bad afternoon. why do they hate their own lives?

why do I feel so sad that ive blocked him though? its put me in another spiral where I’m sad he never tried to message me. yepp he made me feel horrible for being upset, stressed, worried. would give me silent treatment for brining up anything he didn’t want to hear. I don’t think he had the capacity to understand why his actions would cause me such distress. I told him I was distressed and he said to sop using that word and to stop crying at him. I told him if a child was crying you wouldn’t leave it as that is emotional abuse/neglect and that he was doing the same to me and he dumped me for it. for sticking up for myself. he said f this relationship over and turned up at my door half an hour later with all my stuff. what the hell. after the day before telling me he never wanted to break up. such an emotional rollercoaster it took me ages to comprehend what was going on I was numb.

thanks. sorry for venting its just hard.

thank you your wordsare so helpful they are what I needed to hear xx

[KIP.]

You won’t get closure from an abuser. If he ever told you why he ditched you (as you put it), he would probably lie and tell you what you want to hear so that he could continue his abuse. I once read that splitting from an abuser is like a death. He walks away or you walk away and you have to learn that it ends there. There will be no explanation from him as going back there would just make things worse. It takes time to rebuild the self esteem and confidence that abusers strip from us. I once thought I’d die without my abuser and I would give my life for him. Now I see him as a nasty selfish self serving abuser who sucked the life force from me to the point where I contemplated suicide. He’s overweight, middle aged, and so arrogant that he has brought so much trouble on himself. No compassion or empathy or acceptance of blame. So don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it’s hard to motivate yourself when all your motivation has been spent on keeping him happy. It’s your time now to spend on yourself. Try to arrange one thing each day. Put it in your diary or pre book something. Even if it’s a trip to the library or a coffee with a friend on their lunch break. Getting back to normality. To socialising is hard but the more you do it, the easier it becomes X

[pasta]

I’ve been trying to keep busy everyday but it sometimes is exhausting planning stuff for every day. like I slightly resent that I should have to? its hard work trying to plan stuff all the time.

the one time I spoke to him in person after it ended he said loads of stuff to make himself feel better I think. like I was a good girl and should find someone else and how it is so hard for him and he cried at work ect ect. why cant he just tell me why though that’s what gets me.

I had the option to meet up with him in person for closure but he wasn’t forthcoming with it and I decided not to go as I didn’t want any more torture. I dunno if I regret this now. maybe it would have helped?

I think I need to do the diary thing. I did that before and it really helped so I always had something planned ahead of time.

i’m so sorry yous did that to you. i’m glad you are free.

I just want a nice normal relationship why is that so hard to get

[KIP.]

Don’t worry about getting a new relationship. I haven’t had one for a while and I’m loving being single. Concentrating on myself. I’m never going to settle for second best. All the muddles thoughts will sort themselves out. It just takes time X I think meeting up with him would leave you in a worse state. Remember these abusers are good liars too.

[pasta]

thanks I feel bad but I just do miss having someone! I think I deserve someone who is just nice to me now.

that’s why originally I didn’t meet up with him because I thought it would mess me up more and put him even more in a position of power. I don’t get how he seemed so nice but he would have done such horrible things. why would he want to lie aswell I don’t get. he is a good liar though.

I still wonder if I made thr right decision not meeting him though. I don’t know how i’m sposed to act when I see him. smile and wave? but why should I pretend i’m fine with him?

I have an overwhelming urge to tell him how abusive he is but I my fear is he will never realise it.

I also wonder if I should go to the police about him. what if he ends up being violent and killing a spouse in future and I have done nothing?

[EeyoreNoMore]

Can you get yourself a project to keep your brain busy; a studying course, new language or your family tree. That thing you’ve always been interested in but not done anything about … now is the time for YOU.

PS, Women’s Aid recommend a period of at least 2 years to heal before getting into a new relationship.

[pasta]

do you know why they recommend 2 years? people keep saying that to me but I haven’t seen that anywhere on here. isn’t that quite a long time? maybe my abuse wasn’t that bad I dunno?

thank you i’m gonna see if I can find more things to do as the stuff I have started doing helps a lot.

[Bubblegum]

It’s been quite a few years since I split up with my Ex and I even haven’t been in a date .Few men have tried asking me out but Ive turned them down gently .I am at a stage there is a part of me would like to have Make company but even now I can feel my barriers going up straight away .Finding it hard to trust fell comfortable with other men still .So with my own experience especially first two years after we split I was so insecure depressed etc there would of been no way I would of been ready to have a relationship with another man .I could of easily fallen for another abusive man or carried my own problems I was going through on to new relationship.The good thing about being on your own for a bit .You can concentrate on your own recovery learn to manage life life by yourself .Its been a huge learning curve for me and I feel better for it .So when I do finally meet someone I won’t feel so insecure and my emotions won’t be So up down X*x

[pasta]

thank you. yeah. there is someone (a friend that has turned into a bit more but no sex). and my emotions are all over the place. and insecurities. he has said stuff to put me down and that has made me feel insecure. maybe it is not fair on the new lad. I am not with him though I just see him a lot. I think he thinks (detail removed by moderator)months would be a long time for me not to be over it but I am over it I just need to heal from the abuse still.

see I am the opposite and I feel like I want to be with someone and my barriers are down but probably not in a good way more a desperate way haha.

I just miss the emotional support too of having someone there. he was constantly there on the end of the phone. even if he was just checking up on me.

[Author]

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