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    • #109480
      littledove
      Participant

      Okay a bit lighthearted although on a serious note also.

      Been recently in contact with a man I was quite close with through school.

      Things were going really smoothly. Just been text messaging so far. But he was ticking all the boxes, asking how I was, how work was, to have fun with my friends etc etc.

      But he’s just said he doesn’t cry at anything. And when I was like (removed by moderator) And he said (removed by moderator).

      And now that tiny thing has set alarm bells in my head thinking oh god he doesn’t have emotions, he’s cold etc 🤦🏽‍♀️ And now I’m backing out a little!

      I’ll have better luck getting to know a brick wall at this rate.

      Thinking every man I come into contact with will become abusive. Thinking any nice, genuine behaviour is just put on to draw me in…it’s so draining being so scared, feeling I will be alone forever at this point. 😔

      Feel like I’m the ice queen 🤦🏽‍♀️😂

    • #109483
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      No, no, this is quite normal and to be honest, it takes time to really get to know someone and it’s a bit like (to sketch out an analogy) you have this road that goes to your house, your castle and someone can come down the road as in getting to know you but not giving him the address yet. Then he can come to the gatehouse where there are guards usually close friends and family (not children) and you get their reaction. Then he can come into the yard garden area for more talks just you and him but he goes home after that. Then to the front porch where he’s closer in but he’s still not going in the house. You’re watching him, making him wait because predators don’t like to wait so you make them wait…. watch their reactions. Then okay, into the living room where it’s a bit more cozy but not to the bedroom. Here you get a little closer, talk about your goals, check out each other’s likes and dislikes, what’s important to you, his work, his family, etc. Fireside chats, have a few of those. Then to the kitchen the next time, you can cook for him but he can help. I wouldn’t suggest waiting on him……….then you get to see his response to that. See if he can be a team player? Have a few of those times. Then if at some point you’ve gone out quite a bit and don’t feel hurried or rushed and he’s not sending up red flags then maybe to the bedroom but I wouldn’t rush that one and wouldn’t allow myself to be rushed either. At the very first, you need to do a background check on him. An absolute must and you must get to know his friends, family if they are close and that’s all before the bedroom, don’t get the horse before the cart because once sex has happened our mind gets all fuzzy….Remember here that you are Interviewing Him, not the other way around. If he wants to do the same thing, more power to him but you will definitely be doing it and make him wait, let time be your friend because abusers want a quick sell. And no, I don’t like what he said either. Red flag. Very odd thing to say to you.

      • #109486
        littledove
        Participant

        Thank you braelynn, this makes so much sense, using this method ❤️

        Yes it did bother me, but you just don’t know if something is meant in an innocent/sarcastic way or not…but I should take it as a good thing that my guard is up and trying to make the right choices for me xx

    • #109484
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I meant don’t put the cart before the horse here. LOL!

      • #109487
        littledove
        Participant

        I am way too hard on myself I think

    • #109488
      littledove
      Participant

      I just feel I see my ex in every man I talk to, he’s following me everywhere and I just want it to stop

    • #109493
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It will stop in time but thing is, so many of us never had a template up of what we want in a man, so maybe write it all out, the things you have to have and the things you won’t allow. Keep it with you, and refer to it alot. We have to have standards, that’s a must and we have to have boundaries. The first infraction is a no-no. And what he said was a big “tell” about him. They do drop little hints. On purpose? I think that’s a yes because they are testing you to see what you will allow and then they continue. I’ve read this actually about con men. They see what you will wince at and what you maybe look a little weird about but then you go on like oh it’s okay. That gives them fuel to say, okay then, I will proceed further. I can look back and see sooo many things like that said and done with men I have known. However good men, don’t do that and thus might even seem a bit boring to us. Learn to like boring to a certain degree because you don’t have to have lovebombing and drama/trama all the time. That then employs our addiction to adrenaline and all those hormones. We think it’s not good if we’re not on a rollercoaster. Life doesn’t have to be like at the amusement park for it to be – good for us. We can learn to do the slow wine and slow dance thing. It’s well worth it.

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