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Married (detail removed by moderator) years. Husband has always had a controlling side – right from the off his (detail removed by moderator) wake up calls were non-negotiable (he didn’t need to get up that early – just likes to, although I said I would like more sleep). It’s gradually got worse. He gets jealous if I go out with a (female) friend, or group of friends. He pesters me with sexts and sexual emails, even though I’ve asked him time after time to stop. He demands provocative photos and videos, which he saved on his phone (he’s deleted them (detail removed by moderator), finally). He (grudgingly) cooks my dinner, but leaves it on the worktop so it’s cold when I get home. He does laundry, but doesn’t iron. He has never done cleaning (I pay a cleaner). He can cook two recipes.
I cook, clean, tidy, mend clothes, polish shoes, trim nails, take girls to the hairdresser, put labels on uniform, make packed lunches, provide emotional support, take them camping, take them to galleries and museums, drive them to swimming lessons, I planted and care for the garden, I do DIY (flat packs, minor repairs – detail removed by moderator)…
He says he is the “primary carer” because he does the school run for our youngest (the eldest gets herself to school) and walks the dog twice a day. He also takes them to the dentist and optician if I remind him.
He won’t take “no” for an answer with sex without sulking. When I had PND with our first daughter, through exhaustion (he refused to help with any night feeds, citing his chronic illness as an excuse) he threatened me. “If you ever leave I will take *my* child and you will never see her again.” He quit work due to ill-health without discussing options with me first, leaving me to pick up the pieces. I had PND with our second child and again he threatened me. I was on my knees with exhaustion and a friend invited me to stay for a weekend’s break (she has children too and knows how tiring it can be). He told me I could never “run away” and forbad me going.
I am a well-educated, professional woman, in a very senior job. I support the family financially. (detail removed by moderator) he said he wants to go back to work. At first I was thrilled, but then I thought about the implications of that statement. He is registered disabled. He claims ESA and an ill-health pension. He’s either delusional or has been lying all these years in order to get me to do everything for him.
I have remonstrated with him and he’s furious. He says he will claim I’m an unfit mother because at times I drink quite heavily. He will “get” the girls and the house and kick me out. He says I won’t get custody because I’m never there (because I’m out at work).
I went to see a lawyer last week and she advised me that this won’t happen. I am able-bodied, and I can rearrange my schedule to be there for the girls more.
Is this abuse? Can anyone help me with this awful situation?
Not sure what to do. How do I get out and retain contact with our daughters?
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He abuses you sexually, emotionally, financially.
Ring Rights of Women. They are female lawyers who can advise you.
Get him into work if that is possible.
Then you can get rid of him without paying him a penny. But keep this to yourself.Encourage him to work. As soon as he earns something you can hand in the divorce. He has proven he can care for himself. Otherwise the family court could make you pay him maintenance and part of your pension. They are horrible like that.
Go about it slowly and in a very calculating manner.
Make sure he has no idea what you are doing.
Abusers become worse when they smell that the victim wants to get out.Keep posting here. We are all here for you.
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Hi versoz, your life sound so like mine was. He controlled every aspect of our lives. He was horrendously controlling with our daughter & after a while he started upping the abuse, she couldn’t do anything right. He never hit either of us but he would scream, shout, throw things & get in our faces, this was the most scary! With me….I wasn’t allowed to wear “provocative” clothes. I gradually became more & more isolated from my family & friends, I got to the stage where I never left the house & he liked it that way. As for sex……I know what that’s like! You are not allowed to refuse him, if you do the simmering rage that follows is unbearable. I moved out of his home with our daughter, went into a refuge but stupidly got sucked back in when we got our own place by his promises of change & therapy. A few weeks ago I came on this forum as I was questioning my own sanity….is he really as bad as I think? Am I being dramatic like he says? This forum has been my lifeline. We are now on a break & im putting a plan in place to end this toxic relationship. My daughter a young teen has had a severe breakdown since we moved out, the psychologist says its cos she feels safe to let all that rage she feels go. My biggest regret is that she is the worst hurt in all of this. She is going to get better but has so many issues all because her father was abusive. YOU ARE 100% IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. He will not take your girls away from you, this is his threat to keep you under his control. They are so very clever the way they mess with your head! You are not overreacting, his is an abusive man. Reach out to your local DV support, they will help you to leave him safely. If you have your doubts reach out on here, we’re all here for each other. In a few weeks I’ve found the strength to plan my way out. We deserve to be happy & as your girls get older & start to have their own opinions, he will start on them. Don’t let him fill your head with doubt. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book called “Why does he do that” this is a real eye opener to how abusive men think, I guarantee you will see your husband in every chapter. Once you can see what they really are it makes it easier to think about leaving xx
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Thank you for your replies. I am getting professional help.
As my eyes are opened I am realising more and more things are/were instances of abuse and control. I can’t believe I let it carry on so long. But I was terrified. Terrified I would lose my daughters because of his lies.
That’s how it works, isn’t it? Fear. Subordination. Control. Manipulation.
Never again.
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Sounds like my ex. To try and to keep the house he fed enough completely false information to a completely naive social worker that they helped try to take the children away. They failed. After all a father who is the main carer (he wasn’t but long story) for the kids was well the sun shone out of his a*s.
The one thing I would say is don’t incriminate yourself. i.e you sometimes drink a bit too much any c***k when they are looking for something is jumped on as “evidence”.I wish I had contacted Women’s aid sooner, I just thought I wasn’t abused enough and not deserving of their help.
If I had then I would have followed their advice and fought the battle with their advice.
I wish I left a lot lot sooner too.When I did leave it was hell and I needed all the legal help I could get and still do.
Outcome he got joint custody. Then lost that, were not out of the woods but the further we get away the healthier the kids are especially emotionally.Good luck but you can do it
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I need to get out. I will get out. My mother has strong objections to the concept of divorce but even she is supportive, which is a huge comfort and relief (but also scary as she recognises how bad the situation is).
Denial. I’ve minimised and denied what was happening to me for so long. (removed by moderator) I found a list he’s made (not going to say where) of all the instances we had been intimate (forced/coerced) over a few weeks. I had no idea he was doing this. I can’t write how he described it, except the words made me shocked and feel sick. I took photos of it as evidence.
Things could so easily slip back. Last night things seemed amicable, normal (I realise now because I keep them that way…)
Then I remembered one of the things he’d written. The phrase will keep me strong through all of this and through all his lies. I can’t write it here but suffice it to say it was hugely derogatory and objectifying – and that’s what he really thinks of me.
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He always has the moral high ground, an ‘out’, because of his illness.
I spoke with someone professional (not the lawyer but trained in women’s issues like this) and I’m now disheartened. Despite the abuse a divonce could take years – and it all depends on the judge on the day. We could end up having to still live together, with a timed plan for sharing the communal areas of the house!
This is simply appalling. I know it’s only one of many possible outcomes, and she was only trying to be realistic, but I feel very fearful again.
I will go back to my lawyer and take it from there…
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A lot has happened since I last posted. I’ve had further advice, and am instructing a lawyer. There is a real risk I could end up in a bedsit while he stays in the house, with me paying the mortgage – but I guess it’s only til our youngest is 18 and then I would get 50%.
I think that’s the worst case scenario. He was looking at flat shares and bedsits for me the other day… so it’s preying on my mind. He’s still at it, isn’t he? Finding my worst fears and playing on them.
Anyway – I’ve lived in all kinds of places. I can make a “home” anywhere. And I will be free.
I need to be brave. I feel horrible. But I will take it a day at a time.
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Hey versoz. I went from a great big house in a very nice area, to a tiny little flat in a not so nice area. Do you know what I’ve found……..I’m so happy being here. It is mine, I can do what I want, I can watch what I want on tv, eat when I want to (he always tried to force me to eat food ) I can stay up or go to bed whenever I want!!! This little flat might be a hovel compared to his house but its all mine. I have my little garden for my dogs & its decorated so girly in every room! It’s not about where you live, it’s about being free from the monster. You’ll feel so happy once you’ve done it….I promise xx
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It’s true, anywhere can be a home. I live in (detail removed by Moderator) and moved out to a ‘but and ben’ a wee tiny hoosie but I love it. It’s mine, to live in as I wish at no-ones beck and call. Worth it, despite moving from ‘my’ house, ( in my name, my mortgage) into rented. Worth it. Good luck, you can do it X
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