I think I need to end the marriage

[Minniemum]

I think my husband has been verbally and emotional abusing me. He is very quick tempered and I often don’t talk to him about issues as I am worried about his reaction. Although he has never hit me, he often shouts and has thrown things (including a cup of hot tea and a highchair) and this weekend he punched a hole in a door. I’m worried about the example he is setting for our 2 young children.
His unpredictable behaviour gets me down, especially when he tries to blame me or something else (tiredness etc) for things he says or does.
I think I have now realised he won’t change but how do I get out? He owns the house and although I know I have rights to it I’m not sure if it is just better to move out. I don’t really have any money but my parents may be able to help. I don’t really want to make myself homeless (I don’t have anyone nearby I could stay with) and am worried about disrupting my children at school.
Feeling stuck and not sure who to speak to. I’ve called women’s aid before but they weren’t really able to help.
Thanks for reading

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, it is abuse, he has made you feel scared and worried for your safety, please try the helpline, they will be able to give you so much help and advise on what to do next. Its not an easy road to go down, but the rewards are fantastic, I had no friends or family to turn to, I went into a refuge. From there I was given help, im now in my own little flat, I have my friends and family back and live without fear. Children do copy behavior, sadly my youngest sometimes treats me like they witnessed their father doing. Disrupting school is only a temporary measure and easier when they are young, I would say do it now, before you talk yourself out of doing so, I speak fro experience! Abusers always blame something, being tired, work etc, but its no excuse.
Please call the helpline again, good luck and big hugs x*x

[Minniemum]

Thank you. It is so hard admitting that what is hhappening is abuse. And that he won’t/can’t change. He wasn’t like this until I got pregnant.
I’ve just called women’s aid and the lady I spoke to was very nice and helpful. She has arranged for a support worker to call me.
So I just need to try and carry on with every day life for now.

[Sparrow]

Hi Millennium, I really just want to offer you support. Your story reads very much like my own, the verbal and emotional abuse didn’t really start until after our first child but it dud escalate a few times to physical, even though he said he hadn’t punched me (he held his fist firm to my face).

I too am seeing my eldest copying his dad’s tone and lack of patience towards his younger brother and he can sometimes be disrespectful to me too so I know I have to get out for them. He won’t change, I’ve asked do often and he choices not too.

I won’t lie, if feels bad and I feel sick about the whole thing. What has helped me though is keeping a journal, whenever I have a wobble I read it and remember how he’s treated me and our kids badly. If you don’t have one Ivan really recommend it, you’ll probably see a pattern of behaviour.

Take care and good luck x

[Minniemum]

Thanks Sparrow. Sorry you are going through a similar situation. I am coming to realise that the bad times definitely outweigh the good and that I’ve tried my hardest to make things work but that won’t happen if he can’t take responsibility for actions.

I did start a diary last year but stopped for a while but started it again last week. It has been useful to remind myself of all the bad things I have tried to forget – so that even if he is ‘being good’ I can look at it to remember that it is a phase and that the anger will return.

Thinking of you x

[Author]

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