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    • #84638
      NewWings
      Participant

      Certain things have revealed themselves as they were bound to but I wondered how he knew so much about me especially as I didn’t tell. When he first moved in with me I noticed he had many vinyl records that were exactly the same as mine. Odd because I am quite a bit older. When he first saw my parents home he was very cool but I could almost see the glint in his eye, it was like he knew. He controlled me financially he paid for nothing. Now he is with a woman who owns her home and business she is also the daughter of a wealthy businessman. My father left his money to my brother which made my ex livid. Another of his close friends has married a wealthy woman and retired five years after meeting her. I can think of another of his friends that has done exactly the same. This is a small community so it’s very easy to find out stuff. Am I being overly cynical? Ps if I have asked this before forgive me.

    • #84655
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      I think in many ways abusers always target their victims, presenting themselves as our ideal soulmate for long enough to reel us in and only then do we start to see what’s really going on behind the mask. For some I think it’s not so much about money, but how much control they can exert and they will keep ramping it up. I think he probably did ask around about you to make it seem like you had more in common than perhaps you did. I know my ex did that. And once he had me reeled in, he made sure all my ties to the very sources he had used were cut. I have read stories and watched Dirty John on Netflix, so there are certainly abusers out there who target based on wealth and I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that this might have been what happened to you judging on his reaction to the inheritance and how he made you pay for him. I don’t know the full story but it sounds like you have figured him out and he seems to run in a circle of friends who might be doing the same to other women. I would hope those are loving relationships, but we never know what goes on behind closed doors and I think coming out of an abusive relationship has also made me more cynical than I used to be. Truth is, we aren’t in those relationships so we can’t know for sure unless they speak out and we all know how hard that can be.

    • #84696
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yes, because they always view each new supply as what could be in it for me – he will have been weighing this up at the time of meeting you and it wouldn’t be viewed as unusual for him to gather info from mutual friends either, this is what most of us do, we ask those who already know for any background info don’t we.

      I guess ideally, both people need to be financially independant or maybe struggling through together? I paid for everything and he even dropped his hours! Saw it as it makes more sense you go out to work because you can earn more money. I won’t ever be doing that again, I’d view this as a red flag now, a flag that maybe says I need to know more, say if he has debts and no money – it could be the tip of an iceberg that leads to finding out he’s not very responsible x

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