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    • #146699
      I-Survived
      Participant

      I’ve been struggling hard this time around. I’m really not sure or truly understand what’s going on. Nights are getting longer, night terrors are getting worse my anxiety is truly through the roof right now.
      I think being in an abusive relationship changes everything you do even when you are safe and free. Still do this day I still watch what say, watch what I dress like. I keep my feeling to myself because I don’t want someone telling me I don’t matter and my feelings aren’t worth anyone’s problem.
      I know I’ve been on a long journey and I have so much more to try and heal and move forward but apart of me feels like that will never happen, and I won’t be able to be happy and to fully live my life without fear. The depression and guilt and fear in feeling is truly unbearable and I honestly feel so alone.

      Does anyone have any tips or just some words of wisdom x

    • #146700
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi I-Survived

      Sorry that you are struggling so bad at the moment.

      Anyone that tells you that you don’t matter, tells you that they don’t matter to you! They shouldn’t matter to you. You do matter, your life is important, just as important as anyone else’s.

      What support do you have available to you? Have you spoken with your GP about this? They may be able to help in many assorted ways by seeing and chatting with you, finding places that can help you manage these anxieties and the hang-over of repeated thoughts you have and negative self-talk. You do matter, you matter so much.

      I am so glad you felt you could share how you are feeling and post about it here, and I hope that this has helped you.

      The women here will know how you feel and can relate to the depression, anxiety and fear you suffer.

      Do you have many interests that you can busy yourself with that will help give some balance to your life? Especially outdoor activities, but indoor ones too. What sort of interests/crafts/activities do you enjoy, this can be something to focus on that can bring relief from the struggles, and bring some much needed enjoyment into your life.

      Do you have any contact with groups in your area, for women in this position?

      Have you been to the Freedom Programme?

      Do keep posting and talking and finding all the supports you can.
      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #146702
      I-Survived
      Participant

      Hey, I’ve spoken to the GP and in currently seeing a therapist. I think being told constantly that no one cares, that I should keep my mouth shut has truly stuck with me.

      I’m happy I worked up enough courage to post on here because so many people can relate and we can help each other, and I’ve needed something like this for so long.

      I have a son so he keeps me busy most of the time but it’s usually when he’s in bed I get all these thoughts.
      I’ve taken up doing gel nails I’m teaching myself how to do them.. but then I always hear his voice in the background “who are you trying to impress”. You know silly things like that.
      I truly hope I can move forward but it has been a really long time and I don’t seem to be getting better.

      • #146708
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Those thoughts of his voice berating you are ones of the things that need to be challenged.

        So pleasd to hear that you have taken up teaching yourself nails, and you are doing this because you want to, and because its something you are interested in. Having these interests that reflect who you are and what you enjoy is vital. Certain types of music can be really helpful to alter the mood to benefit you too, and any other interests you find to pursue.

        You have left him and still have to remove him from your mind. Maybe think about what you might say out loud to someone who was rude to you irl. Come up with some words that you feel would make them realise how rude/nasty they’d been and shut them up! Each time you have these words in your mind that he used to say to you, answer back in your head whatever challenging reply you have thought of, then make it stronger and louder to chase those words out of your head and break free of them.

        He’s living in your head rent free, and you can drive him out 🙂

        I do this with quite rude words simply telling it to shut up, shut up, and then s**u! (if needed). 🙂

        Others can only hear who you are through talking, can only connect with you through your words, so your talking is vital, it served ‘his’ purpose to silence you, because it was a threat to him, he couldn’t cope with someone speaking, but this is your valuable right, to speak and be heard, like you are here, its important and I can hear whats happening for you because of it, never shut that down, it will also be your way of getting out of this and moving on.

        I’m glad you have found a therapist, do you find they are helping with processing what you’ve suffered? Do you feel it helps, they undersand, and provide useful ways of overcoming your challenges? I hope so, but if not it’s vital you let your GP know this. It can take time to find the right one for you, not all counsellors will be the right fit foryou so that the process works to the best.

        warmest wishes

        ts

      • #146722
        I-Survived
        Participant

        Yeah definitely! Back then I did used to in my head think about what I wanted to say to him and stand up for myself..only because the one time I did stand up for myself he got physical.. he’s left a very damaged person (in my eyes anyway) thought-out people have always called Me strong and I can get over anything but I don’t show it bothers me to the point people notice.
        I really would like to say a few things to him and tell him he hasn’t broken me and he didn’t win . I’m truly fed up of letting him be apart of me still and continuing to control everything I do.
        Therapists aren’t really my thing I hate telling people how I feel incase they look at me like I’m going insane I’m trying to open up more to then I just need to give it a chance

      • #146728
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Its no surprise that you find it difficult to open up, and its good that you have managed that here, taken the leap of faith if you like 🙂 Its a huge positive step for someone, who, as you say, has such ground in beliefs that you will be blamed somehow for feelings! or marked as somehow ‘insane’ for feeling the results of abuse.

        I am so glad you have managed to speak as you have, and hope that you are feeling comfortable with your counsellor, and feeling that they are a good enough fit for you, and helping, that you can taking your time, slowly grow your trust. Its expected that this will take time, trust needs to be earned, and you can’t force your trust, go at your own pace, and they will have to work to your pace, maybe just pushing a little here and there to help you onto next stages, etc.

        Being strong is to feel strong enough to air your emotions, to stand by them and believe in them, and/or to manage them quite happily yourself, but not to shy away from.

        Its the old voice that he has ingrained into your mind that you can challenge by answering it back 🙂

        You will win this if you focus on your and how important you are, listen to yourself and support yourself in all ways that you can.

        warmest wishes

        ts

      • #146732
        I-Survived
        Participant

        I do feel comfortable talking here as so many of us has been through the same kind of situation.
        I just hope I can finally said I made it

    • #146715
      Auriel
      Participant

      You’ve been brainwashed by him systematically for so long his words have stayed in your mind (I know what that’s like) but if you think about how many times did he lie to you during the relationship you’ll realise his lies were pathological and for a reason (to keep you vulnerable, confused and isolated) abusers are liars his psychological training has obviously had an effect but they were “lies” people do care, we care, your son cares “you” care so that’s part of what he’s said quashed, your dr cares your therapist cares (as they took that role on for a reason) think about it this way you must have been very special for someone to try so hard so regularly to keep you in place, if we weren’t any good why would they go out of their way and use so many tactics to try and keep us in place and be so threatened at the thought of losing us as to keep us down so bad, see it as a cult leaders brainwash to try and stop you leaving cos that’s all the reasons they said those things to us, people care it’s just attempts at trying to ruin our self esteem, we need to build it back up bit by bit till that “voice” doesn’t even count anymore 🤗💗🤗

    • #146723
      I-Survived
      Participant

      Yeah definitely I understand were you are coming from.
      He’s definitely made an impact in how I am today and that I will never be able to forgive him..
      He always made me feel like no one cared, that I didn’t deserve to even have a life. And part of me back then believed him as we all do during the time of the abuse. It drove me to (detail removed by Moderator) failed Susi*e attempts and I don’t want to get to that point again. Im more scared than anything else I need to be strong for my son.
      He definitely didn’t brainwash Me and so far he is still in winning that makes me so angry.

      • #146747
        Auriel
        Participant

        Don’t allow him to win anymore, imagine him shrunk down far away to a troll
        size saying all these horrible things and you thinking (oh your just a weird little troll go away) I do these these exercise (I made them up) completely understand what their words and actions can drive you to (been there (detail removed by Moderator)) but we’re still here so I’m believing there must be a plan and future for us, when you disconnect entirely from them and anyone connected to them you eventually see everything for the facts they were and how truly ugly inside these people are to get enjoyment to intentionally and regularly do and say those things (they’re dark inside) it takes a while to get out of (in your mind) but when you realise the truth it does get easier (I hope your therapist can help you unlearn/question what he’s said thats still having an impact, just because we hear their self limiting down putting comments and statements imprinted in our mind doesn’t mean we have to believe them (we’ve already picked apart 1 of his evil lies) hope you keep posting, see how your going along in the journey 🤗💕💖

    • #146775
      I-Survived
      Participant

      Thank you for your lovely comment.
      I have tried to do some exercises as you’ve suggested so far I don’t see much helping me but that’s just the way I am and the way I cope I guess..
      I do truly hope we can all heal but I understand it is going to be a long journey

      • #146788
        Auriel
        Participant

        It takes time things don’t happen overnight, maybe different things work for different people but I had to visually imagine my abusers shrunk down tiny size cos they were really intimidating and the smear campaign and character assassination they caused was horrendous also when you think about things he said to you to you write it down with an opposite statement at the side as to why it isn’t true it takes practice to actually believe things as we have been brainwashed and it’s got “stuck” in there but we have to brainwash ourselves back with good statements regularly 🧡💛💚

      • #146845
        I-Survived
        Participant

        Yeah, I used to ages ago write everything on a bit of paper and I burned them I was doing good for so long and all of a sudden it’s hut me maybe worse than before and I truly don’t understand why

      • #146851
        Auriel
        Participant

        Aw we all have a crash sometimes but they do pass (like everything else), maybe go to the beach (I find it clearing when I’m by water) or have a walk in the forest (if you like them) try and remember things that made you happy get creative with something, listen to music you like or haven’t listened to in a while + remember “you” sometimes we get lost after things like this + lose our identity + self + forget who we are? remember you or make a new you, your already a new you cos you’ve obviously got a huge resilient, you gained knowledge and chose yourself instead of someone who tried to change you to suit themselves and that’s a “huge” thing write a gratitude list it helps to remember what you’ve got, what you’ve achieved and what you’ve let go of, have a laugh with something (it helps) but yeah we do crash sometimes (I crash too) it’s just the process that’s going on from it
        🤗🤗💕

    • #146905
      Genericusername
      Participant

      Hey hun, hope you had a better day. I think it’s good practice to say (quickly) in your head the response you would give now you are away or write it down. I get conscious about how much time I ruminate on things or ideas, or words etc. I think it’s coming from a place of being on egg shells and strategically planning everything I said or did.
      My point is don’t let it take up too much of your time or focus, shift the energy into doing something positive for you guys. I hear simply cleaning out 1 drawer can have a crazy psychologically benefit. Little things x

      • #148123
        I-Survived
        Participant

        Yes definitely sorry for late reply.
        I’m trying to channel the energy somewhere else instead of being in my head all the time, I’ve shouted I’ve screamed but I’m calm

    • #148127
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi my lovely

      Shouting and screaming get an up vote from me! They really can help.

      I’m wondering if you are accessing the right type of therapy? Night terrors can be a symptom of PTSD and talk therapy can sometimes make that worse.

      EMDR was the only thing that really helped me with PTSD. It might be worth having another chat with your GP. Xx

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