I think I’m ready

[Whatislove]

I’ve already posted my story before on ‘is it abuse’ titled ‘utterly bewildered’.

I think I’m finally ready to leave for good. This will be my sixth time. Like others I ‘forgot’ the abuse after leaving before & regardless of the stalking, harassment, triangulation (his other woman), his secret life & the huge crushing lies, I kept taking him back. When in the relationship I’m anxious so much that I can’t sleep. When things are good they are great & our children are happy. When things are bad or I’m not acting how he would like me to (usually after verbal or sometimes physical abuse I feel numb around him) then the stress builds & he is a bully.

After the last physical thing happened I feel like I have finally woken up. It’s been a few weeks since & I can’t act the same anymore. I’m burying myself in reading as an escape and pretending all’s ok, when he can tell it isn’t. He’s done the over the top “sorrys”, he’s been lovely around the house, affectionate, then annoyed with me, accusing me of seeing someone else, angry that I can’t sleep, then back to speeches about appreciating me.

The thing is, since I last left him I have kept the fact we’re getting back together a secret from friends & family. Iv been ashamed. Of myself mostly. I don’t think they’ll trust that I’m truly done. Plus this time he has nowhere to go. Friends & family he previously stayed with have moved & he has no one to take him in. I can’t leave. The house is in my name & my children, pets, etc are here. I have to ask him to go. It’s on the tip of my tongue all the time but Im afraid to say it because I have no support & his reaction is likely to be awful. He won’t care about whether the children hear/see or not as when he’s like that it’s all about him. I could get a solicitors letter, but I don’t own the house, I rent. He isn’t on the tenancy. I was too scared to ask my landlord, yet again, to put him on as I think I knew in my heart he’d only be the same & it wouldn’t last & id have to ask for him to be taken off. I’m afraid that I’ve screwed my self over in my fear. That I should’ve been stronger when he was out before. I 150% want want him to go. I don’t know how I’ll feel after as I know it will be horrible for everyone. But I don’t love him now. But I can’t live with a bully anymore. Please help.

[Coolbreeze]

Hi I am also very new and I’m sure the other ladies will give you the proper advice. I just wanted to say that you can get your landlord and yourself in trouble by him being there. The most important thing is that the safety of your children and yourself so I think you need some particular advice/support from a local adviser to prepare before you tell him to go.
Do not waste time thinking about him not having anywhere to go, please save your time and energy thinking about your children and yourself. He does not deserve any consideration.
Also the advisers may refer a solicitor to you and you may qualify for legal aid, it may not matter that you rent.
We’re here for you.

[Shaz]

Hi whatislove

I have not posted on here for a very long time but your situation struck me. I remember how I left around 12 months ago. I had left once and then got back with him, despite other’s advice. I then found myself in a new house with him feeling even worse than the first time. I honestly did not know how I would have the strength to do it all again. Well 12 months on I am out, I feel freer by the day despite still being married to him. The ladies’ advice on here helped me greatly. They told me visualize how you see yourself in the future, what you are working towards, and take baby steps to get there. Little by little you will do. It is really hard and I know the feeling as I went back too but you have to work towards your safe, free future because you will get there.

Shaz x

[Hetty]

Can you have someone with him when you tell him to leave and do it when the kids are not home? I know this is easier said than done and it’ll be hurting you but deal with the emotions afterwards. Be clear and matter of fact. Tell him you’ll call the police if he starts any trouble. Speak with women’s aid.
Could do take his stuff out of the house when he’s not home and change the locks? Then it would be a case of zero contact after telling him that you will alert the police if there are any issues. Have you looked into Claire’s law? It’s really quick and easy and the police cab alert you to any risks. You could perhaps speak with the police about any necessary safety measures you’ll need to get this man out and to keep him out. You can do this. It’s yours and your children’s home and you all deserve a safe and peaceful life ❤️

[Whatislove]

Thank you so much ladies. It all came out to him. Not that I want him to go. Just that I can’t forgive him for the last physical thing that happened. I matter of factory said that I feel traumatised. He went between the very emotional, crying, “it’ll never happen again & im sorry”, “if u ask me to leave you may as well kill me” (I’m paraphrasing for the sake of the forum but it was heavier on emotion & pressure). I couldn’t even react. I feel numb. I think he’s gotten the picture though I’m loathed to pull my big girl pants up and straight out say it. This time I truly cannot forgive him. He’s now moping, interrupting my time with the kids (reading, bedtime, etc) to tell me in so many words- “please, forgive me” and I’m trying to deflect so as it isn’t fair on them to be part of this. I feel strong. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel & my head keeps telling me that this relationship has to end even if I have to go through misery & pain (the urge to go back basically) to get there. I haven’t been ready for that as the last time he basically tortured me with another woman, stealing my stuff to give to her (I found out), massive tantrum in front of the children, about 50 phone calls a day & if I didn’t answer on any other platform he could, even go my office, I could go on. But I’m ready for it as much, if not more, than before. I REFUSE to be with a man who can do this to someone. I was so stupid to let myself go back again & again to only end up like this.
This forum is a godsend. Thank you all. I will be firm about the police. I wish I could have someone here but that means owning up to lying to my family & them possibly not trusting that this is the last time. They’re fraught, worried & frustrated with it all
I changed the locks the last time he left so he only has a spare key now to the back door. I’ll have to change it again I guess.
I know I’m going to miss the good bits & my heart aches at that thought. But I did it before under huge emotional strain from him. I was almost there. I have to believe I can get there again, properly this time.
Again, thank you

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